Let’s Talk About… Validation

Why do we seek validation from others? What is validation, and how does wanting approval affect your mental health? And can you learn how to validate yourself (and why is that helpful)? 

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that helps you look after your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 11 June, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 183, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about validation and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011 that completely changed my life. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what validation is, why we need approval and validation, and how to approach validation in a healthy way. So, let’s talk about validation!

Introduction

It just so happens to be a complete coincidence that I scheduled in an episode all about seeking validation for the week after I just did one about social media, also known as ‘the land of give me validation immediately, if not sooner!’ 

I didn’t even realise I’d done it until I started writing this episode; it didn’t even really click in the ‘coming up next week’ blurb at the end of last week’s episode because I was tired and in a rush to finish off the episode, so I think I must have gone into auto-pilot mode!

This is the kind of seemingly-random coincidence that I absolutely love, mainly because I don’t really believe in coincidences and I feel like when something like this happens, it’s a push for us to sit up and pay attention. So while I’m not going to massively focus on social media this week, since that would just be a boring repetition of last week’s episode (Episode 182, by the way), what I will say is that the whole social media thing is probably going to loom large over this week’s topic since there’s an entire culture built around vanity metrics such as likes and followers… and so, of course, I’m going to challenge you to challenge your relationship with anything that encourages you to prioritise anything other than your peace of mind first and foremost (because, news flash, social media isn’t real and getting likes won’t fill that hole in your soul… sorry, but you know I’m right!).

So before I get on my soapbox any further, let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about…

What is validation?

And thanks to my trusty old resource the Oxford Dictionary, I can tell you that ‘validation’ is defined as “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile” — and what a dry and complicated definition that was, so let’s unpack it a bit!

I think the easiest way to look at it is that we all, deep down, want to feel valid and seen — by others, and by ourselves — and validation, whether it comes from within you or from an external source, is a tangible way of feeling worthy; it means you matter, that your life means something, whether that’s in a big way or a small way. It could be feeling seen or understood by someone you care about, or it could be you feeling that you are worthy (which, by the way, you absolutely are just by virtue of your existence alone!). 

In psychological terms, validation is essentially the process of acknowledging and accepting someone’s feelings, thoughts, behaviours, personal experiences, and general identity. We’re all human, and we have a deep-rooted need to feel seen, heard, and understood. Validation fulfils that need. It’s a kind of “emotional green light,” if you will, that says, “Hey, I get you. Your feelings matter. Your perspective is important.” 

Validation doesn’t necessarily mean agreement — for example, you may not see eye-to-eye with someone you’re validating — but it does mean showing respect for their perspective and experience.

There are two types of validation: self-validation and external validation, and I’m going to be talking about both today. Let’s start with external validation, which is when someone else acknowledges and accepts your feelings and experiences, or when you do the same for another person. External validation can come in many different forms, such as: 

• Emotional validation: Which is when someone acknowledges your emotions and empathises with you; for example, let’s say you’re feeling anxious about having to do some public speaking and your friend says to you, “I understand why you’re nervous, public speaking can be really scary” — that’s emotional validation. Then there’s… 
• Intellectual validation: And that’s when someone acknowledges your thoughts or ideas; for example, during a discussion, someone might say, “That’s a really interesting perspective, I hadn’t thought of it that way before.” And then there’s… 
• Behavioural validation: Which is when someone acknowledges and understands your actions. For instance, a work colleague might comment on the task you’ve been handling and say something about how well they think you’re doing. And then another form of validation is… 
• Identity validation: And that’s when someone acknowledges and respects your personal identity, including different elements like your gender identity, cultural background, or values.

So that’s external validation, which I’ll come back to later, and then there’s self-validation, and that’s about acknowledging and accepting your own feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. It means understanding that your feelings are valid, even if they’re uncomfortable or maybe don’t make immediate sense. An example could be feeling upset after a difficult meeting at work, even though the outcome wasn’t as bad as you expected; instead of brushing off those feelings or criticising yourself for feeling the way you do, self-validation might involve telling yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way, that was a stressful situation!” (although I will suggest to do that either in your head or when you’re on your own, so you don’t get a reputation for being that crazy person who stands in the middle of the office talking to themselves!).

Generally-speaking, validation can be incredibly healing. When people feel validated, they’re much more likely to communicate freely and honestly, and to engage in life in a more meaningful way. Validation can also help reduce feelings of isolation and invalidation, which are closely linked to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. 

Neither form of validation is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and one is not better or worse than the other, however like all things in life it’s about finding a healthy balance and it’s also about ensuring we’re not massively dependent on things outside of our control to find our sense of satisfaction in life; if you’re reliant on the approval of others to feel good about yourself, then it’s going to create a lot of issues if and when that approval either isn’t given to the level you crave or if it’s removed entirely.

So that leads to the next part of this topic; now, let’s talk about… 

Why we need validation

And I touched on it earlier but the fact is that we are human beings who have been craving attention, approval and connection with other people since the dawn of time; from a basic sociological ‘survival of the species’ perspective, we’re hardwired to want to avoid rejection because, in prehistoric times, approval and acceptance meant life and rejection meant death (probably with a grisly end as a meal for a lion, a tiger or a bear!).  

We’re social creatures by nature, and one of the core aspects of being human is the need to feel understood, accepted, and connected to others. A few of the main reasons why we need validation include:

• Connection and Belonging: When our thoughts and feelings are validated, we feel connected and accepted, which creates a sense of belonging. This goes back to our primal need to belong to a tribe for survival, which has evolved into a psychological need in the modern context. 
• Emotional Understanding and Regulation: Validation helps us to understand and process our emotions better. When we feel understood, we’re better able to manage our feelings and respond to them in a healthy way.
• Self-Identity and Self-Worth: By having our experiences and feelings acknowledged, we understand that our perspectives matter, which reinforces our sense of self and helps us to feel more positively about ourselves.
• Psychological Growth: Validation, particularly self-validation, helps to foster greater personal growth, in the sense that by acknowledging and accepting our feelings, even the difficult ones, we then learn how to handle life’s ups and downs with resilience and grace.
• Healthier Relationships: Validation fosters mutual respect and understanding in our relationships, and it helps to encourage open and honest communication, which results in deeper connections with others.

So, to cut a long story short, validation addresses our basic fundamental human needs for acceptance, understanding, and connection, contributing to our overall emotional, psychological, and relational wellbeing. Which is a very textbook way of saying that it makes us feel good about ourselves! 

So I mentioned earlier that there are two main types of validation: self-validation and external validation. Self-validation is about recognising and accepting your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours internally, and it’s essentially an empowering form of validation because it doesn’t rely on the approval or understanding of others. External validation, however, is entirely about external acknowledgement and acceptance from others. That can be powerful and validating as well, but it can also be a bit tricky. Relying heavily on extrinsic validation can sometimes lead to a lack of self-confidence and self-worth, especially if you’re not getting the validation you expect or crave, or if what you are getting is based on superficial or changeable aspects of ourselves. For example, you may feel good when your boss praises you for a job well done (and that’s great!), but if you’re solely relying on that external praise to feel accomplished or competent, then you might struggle when you face criticism or when the praise doesn’t come. 

I think it’s really important to consciously strike a healthy balance between self-validation and external validation. Of course it’s completely normal and healthy to desire recognition from other people, and we talked earlier about the fact that this is something that’s hardwired into all of us as human beings, but it’s equally important to be able to cultivate a strong sense of self-validation because, that way, you’re not entirely dependent on others for your sense of self-worth, and that means you’re going to be much more resilient when faced with criticism or a lack of external acknowledgement. 

There are a whole bunch of really fundamental life skills that we all need to learn over and over again, and one of them is that you’re never going to be able to please everyone all the time and, beyond that, not everyone will agree with you all the time… so you have to be able to learn how to be self-reliant and also how to not stress out if someone else isn’t giving you the validation you crave. Why? Because it’s so easy to compromise yourself and wind up saying and doing things that aren’t in line with your true self just because you’re trying to get someone’s attention or approval, and that’s just not a healthy strategy for your wellbeing! 

So then how do you do all that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…

How to approach validation in a healthy way

OK, so I’m going to be mainly talking about how to approach the way you seek out and receive validation… however, I do want to touch on how you can validate other people in a thoughtful and considered way because I’m a firm believer in the whole ‘what you put out comes back to you’ thing, so by treating people the way you want to be treated you’ll find it comes back to you (plus it’s just nice to be consciously kinder to people, because it leads to healthier relationships in the long term which then also brings you peace of mind!). So, here are a few tips to bear in mind when you’re validating others (before we talk about you in a lot more detail):

• Focus on understanding: Remember that validation isn’t about agreeing with the other person; it’s about understanding them and accepting their feelings. It’s also not about trying to rescue someone from their feelings, but instead just providing them with a space where they feel safe to express and explore their emotions. Next… 
• Listen to them: Which means showing genuine interest and focusing on the other person.
• Acknowledge their feelings: Which lets the other person know that you recognise what they’re feeling; maybe you might say something like, “That sounds really tough, I can understand why you’re upset.”
• Avoid judgement or advice-giving: Unless they’re explicitly asking for advice, avoid jumping in with solutions; sometimes, people just need to feel heard and understood.
• Show empathy: Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. And… 
• Be patient: Let them express themselves fully before you respond, which shows that you respect their feelings and experiences.

OK, so now I’m going to turn my focus back onto you — as it should be! — and I’ll talk about how to manage your own need for validation. Like I said earlier, validation can come from within and it can come from other people, so I’ll start by discussing internal validation and then I’ll finish up with external.

So, I’m sure you’re well aware that a huge part of having a good sense of self-confidence and self-esteem involves being able to give yourself the approval and validation you desire rather than feeling like it has to come from other people (and if you’re not then you are now, because I just said it… and, by the way, I covered self-confidence back in Episode 166 and self-esteem in Episode 43 so those will be helpful for you as well; after you’ve finished this episode, of course!). 

So some of the ways you can improve your self-validation include:

• Celebrating your strengths — because when you consciously take a look at all the things you’re good at (and I’m sure there are lots!), you’ll find yourself better able to feel good about your capabilities rather than feeling like a fraud or not good enough (which is something I covered in Episode 181 about imposter syndrome). Next…
• Speak to yourself kindly — because the way you treat yourself has a big impact on the way you think about yourself; instead of doing harm to yourself and being your own bully, choose to be kind to yourself and be your biggest cheerleader. If you’re feeling angry or upset with yourself over something you did or didn’t do, try talking to yourself like you would a friend and consciously show yourself compassion (and I covered self-compassion in Episode 153). Next…
• Let go of judgement — and that means looking at your emotions objectively and compassionately, rather than punishing yourself for feeling what you feel. Instead of judging the emotion, step back and label what you’re feeling and then ask yourself why you’re feeling that way; often it’s because some need isn’t being fulfilled, and so we need to address the root cause rather than judging ourselves harshly and unfairly. Remember that all emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, are a part of the human experience. And another way you can validate yourself is by… 
• Sitting with your emotions — and that means letting yourself feel what you need to feel, and understanding that it’s OK to not feel OK sometimes; all too often we rush to push away negative emotions or to pretend they’re not there, but they serve an important purpose which is to show us how we really feel about things, which can then push us to take action to change things. Next…
• Give yourself permission to make mistakes — because nobody’s perfect and we all make mistakes from time to time; in fact, trial and error is how we learn! Be kind to yourself, especially during times of stress or when you make mistakes. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, and it’s OK to have flaws and shortcomings. Another way to work on your self-validation is…
• Journalling and reflection — and I know it’s not the most comfortable process for everybody, but frankly it doesn’t matter whether you’re comfortable or not because it’s a really powerful way to help you understand and acknowledge your emotions, so I highly recommend it (and the more you do it, the more you’ll find over time that you begin to see patterns and develop deeper insights into why you do and say the things you do and say); if you’re after a really simple reflection process that will improve your mental health in just 10-15 minutes a day then I have a digital Reflection Tool and Self Care Planner available for sale, and it only costs the price of two coffees… you’ll find it linked in the episode description or just head to my website at ltamh.com. And then another way to help you work on your validation is with…
• Talking to someone — and by that I mean someone you’re close with or, better yet, a professional like a counsellor, therapist or coach who can help you to look at things objectively; as I often say in this podcast, the more we talk about it the easier it gets!

OK, so now let’s shift focus and turn our attention to how to be thoughtful about the way you approach your desire for validation from others, starting by… 

• Thinking about what you want or need and why: because when we crave feedback or approval from people around us (like wanting someone to affirm your feelings, compliment your appearance, or acknowledge your hard work), it’s coming from somewhere; you know as well as I do that you don’t actually need it, and you can live perfectly well without it, and so then the question becomes “Well, what’s really going on here?” This is the time to be completely honest with yourself and consider where the perceived need is coming from; like I said earlier, usually this stuff is happening because some sort of deeper need isn’t being fulfilled — perhaps we don’t feel secure in our job or our relationship, or we worry that we’re not good enough or that the rug might be pulled out from under us at any moment. When you know the source, you can then work on that which will, in turn, help you to let go of the desire for external validation and have it be just something that is nice to have but not necessary; for example, obviously the work I do here in this show and on my YouTube channel involves putting content out there for other people, and it’s very easy to get caught up in the numbers or in a sense of approval or disapproval from others, and so I work really hard — and it’s a conscious thing — to make sure that I’m focusing on the internal, intrinsic rewards that I get from doing the kind of work I do, from the opportunity for creative expression and having fun through to the chance to work for myself, instead of having to answer to someone else, which means I give myself flexibility and freedom. And speaking of, my next tip is about… 
• Putting things into context — I mean, honestly, I know that the work I do helps people but it’s not rocket science and it’s also not the be-all and end-all; if everything stopped tomorrow, I’d be fine and life would go on. When you look at the bigger picture — like when you realise that social media isn’t real life, which I said about 47 times in last week’s episode! — then you can reduce your desire for approval and acceptance from other people. Next… 
• Be selective about the people you engage with — and that means choosing to seek validation only from people who are supportive, understanding, and capable of providing the validation you need; I have a general rule in life that if I don’t respect the person or want to be like them, then I could care less about what they think or whether or not they approve of me… I know that’s fairly blunt, however everybody’s got an opinion but very few have opinions that are worth actually listening to! I had someone leave a negative comment on one of my YouTube videos a while ago about my delivery style and they had released like two videos in the space of a year, and honestly I just laughed and thought, “Get back to me when you can put your money where your mouth is!” — you’re never going to please everyone, so don’t try… just be kind and be true to yourself, and to hell with what other people think! And just bear in mind that often what people say is a direct reflection of them and their wants and needs, which means often they can project their own insecurities or expectations onto us… so you need to be objective, and don’t take things personally. OK, next…
• Ask for what you need — if you’re in need of validation, it’s perfectly OK to express it! I once told my boss I was struggling because I wasn’t sure if she was happy with my work, since every time I finished a project she immediately focused on the next thing, and that led to a really great conversation about how happy she was with the job I was doing. It’s all about communicating your feelings openly and honestly; for example, you could say, “I’m feeling really anxious about this presentation, it would be helpful if you could let me know if I’m on the right track.” Next… 
• Ask for constructive feedback — Look, compliments are nice but constructive feedback can be much more beneficial in the long term, so instead of just looking for feedback on what you’ve done well or what your strengths are, ask for fair and balanced suggestions of what you could do differently or where you could improve, and listen to the feedback with an open mind and an open heart. Next…
• Recognise the limits — understand that nobody can provide you with the perfect amount of validation all the time; other people have their own emotions, biases, and experiences that can influence their responses, so focus on meeting your own needs (like I covered earlier) and also consider how you can tap into a wider network of people for validation, rather than just one person or group, so that you’re not overly reliant on one specific source of feedback.

And you’ll find even more practical tips for how to stop seeking validation from others in the quick video version of this episode, available on YouTube and Spotify.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to validation and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Seeking external validation is natural, but it should complement, not replace, your self-validation. You are the ultimate judge of your own worth and your abilities, and so choosing to consciously work on creating a sense of validation for yourself will help you navigate life’s challenges with greater confidence and resilience. 

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Never allow yourself to be defined by someone else’s opinion of you.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about bullying. Whether it’s in our school years or into adulthood, sometimes it can seem like the world is full of bullies; just take a look at the media at the moment, where hatred and discrimination seem to be running rampant. We often talk about the need to stamp out bullying, but how often do we talk about how to cope with the effects — and after-effects — of being bullied? Not often enough, and I say that as someone who has dealt with being bullied firsthand, and so next time I’m going to be talking about what bullying is, why it has such an impact on our mental health, and how to deal with and recover from being bullied.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 18th of June, 2023. Make sure you hit ‘follow’ on your preferred podcast platform to stay up-to-date with new episodes.

You can watch a mini video version of this episode, full of tips for how to manage validation more thoughtfully, on Spotify and YouTube.

And if you’d like even more tips to help you look after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. Plus if you become a supporter on my Patreon you’ll receive exclusive extra content as well as early access to episodes. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at ltamh.com. 

And if you’d like more tips to help you look after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. And become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra content plus early access to episodes. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.