Let’s Talk About… Self Compassion

By Jeremy Godwin

What is self compassion? What role does self compassion play in improving your mental health and wellbeing? And how can you be more compassionate towards yourself? That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 30 October, 2022.

Hello and welcome to Episode 153, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about self compassion and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share simple ideas for better mental health. 

I spent most of the 2010’s dealing with severe anxiety and depression, after a breakdown in late 2011, which led me to want to learn more about my mental health… so I went back to school and studied psychology and sociology, and now I share simple mental health tips for how to improve your wellbeing, from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through mental health challenges. 

Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. In this episode I’ll be talking about what self compassion is, why self compassion matters, and how to show yourself greater self compassion every day. 

Before I begin, I’m very excited to announce that I’m now offering even more benefits for my supporters on Patreon! My General Supporters will receive an exclusive monthly update from me where I answer your questions about mental health and I also share what’s coming up on the podcast in the following month, and my Official Supporters receive all of that plus they will have access to my podcast episodes a full week before they’re released to the general public, as well as an exclusive worksheet for each episode that will help you to explore how you can apply the topic to your own life to improve your wellbeing. Becoming a supporter doesn’t cost a lot — General Supporters pay just $3 AUD per month (which is roughly $2.50 USD or £2 GBP, depending on the exchange rate), and Official Supporters pay only $8 AUD per month (which is about $6.50 USD or £5 GBP [Sterling]). Plus all of my supporters are listed in the transcript at the end of every episode as my way of saying thanks for helping me to keep on doing the work I do… it costs a lot of money behind the scenes to keep my podcast going! So, if you enjoy what I do and find it helpful then please become a supporter at patreon.com/jeremygodwin (and it’s linked in the episode description and the transcript). 

So, with all of that covered, let’s talk about self compassion!

Introduction

I have been doing a lot of work on self compassion lately. Like, a lot a lot! It’s been a big focus of my weekly conversations with my therapist for the past few months, mainly because I put an enormous number of expectations on myself and it’s a big part of what led me to feeling so exhausted that I needed to take two weeks off from producing podcast episodes (and a big thank you, by the way, to all of you who sent me messages of support and encouraged me to feel good about taking some time for myself — your messages were definitely appreciated!).

Funnily enough, this whole ‘self compassion’ topic is, yet again, one that I had selected quite a few months ago and, yet again, it’s been highly relevant during the week I’ve gone to work on it. I’ve had to make some decisions about the way forward which are based on being a lot kinder to myself; by the time this episode goes out, I’ll have announced on social media and on YouTube that I’m taking a break from my YouTube channel until at least the middle of February 2023 so that I can focus on this podcast plus the two books I’m currently working on. That was a really tough choice to make, because it almost felt like admitting defeat in a way, but something had to give and when I created my list of priorities I realised that YouTube was sitting all the way down at number seven on the list (and as I say often in this podcast, we should ideally be limiting ourselves to our top three to five priorities so that we’re not taking on too much and exhausting ourselves). So, for once I decided to take my own advice and I made the decision to take a break from YouTube so that I can show myself the kind of self-compassion that I need. So, with that in mind let’s talk through some definitions and let’s talk about…

What is self compassion?

And, at its core, self compassion is about treating yourself with kindness, understanding and empathy, especially if and when you fail or make a mistake. I will note that the dictionary defines ‘compassion’ as your ability to show “sympathetic pity and concern” which kind-of infuriates me; as I said in Episode 151 about empathy, sympathy and pity are quite negatively-focused and they can even be a bit condescending (whether intentionally or unintentionally), whereas empathy is more positive and it’s focused on showing understanding. 

I say all of that for two reasons: one, I enjoy a good rant, and two, self-pity is the opposite of self-compassion, and so I really want to make the point up-front that feeling sorry for yourself has no constructive value in your life because all it does is keep you stuck in negativity. Instead of pitying yourself, learning how to show yourself self-compassion is going to allow you to pick yourself up when you fall, dust yourself off, and then move forward with your head held high (and I’ll talk about how to do that in a little bit). 

First let’s talk about some fundamental aspects of self compassion that we all need to wrap our heads around, starting with the inevitable fact that you are an imperfect human being who has made many mistakes in their life and is going to make many, many more mistakes in the future. That, my friends, is precisely what it means to be human, because life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and so we learn through trial and error; when we’re children, we don’t just suddenly begin walking perfectly one day… we struggle to find our way to our feet and we fall down a lot as we stumble around on our chubby little toddler legs. But, eventually, we get the hang of it and we learn how to control our bodies in order to walk successfully and without assistance… however that doesn’t mean that you won’t stumble or fall over every now and then, because you will. Your entire life is the same; you stumble around for a while with new things and you make plenty of mistakes, and bit by bit you learn how to do things better and better. 

Only, here’s the second thing about self compassion that I want to say: the learning never ends. You can be 98 and still be learning… and that’s OK. Because it’s the constant process of learning, and re-learning, and then learning some more, that defines our humanity; it is physically impossible to be perfect at everything, because ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist (not even in nature), and so each time you make a mistake you’re actually taking a necessary step on the path towards learning… and so, since mistakes are part of how we learn, why on earth would you be unkind to yourself when you make one?! Because you are going to make plenty of mistakes throughout your life, so you can either criticise yourself every time you do (in which case you’re going to be spending an awfully large amount of time criticising yourself!) or you can choose to embrace your imperfect nature and focus more on your ability to learn from your failures… because that is what matters most. 

Every single person in this world has made many mistakes and nobody is immune from failure; if we all choose to be a little kinder to ourselves (and to others) when mistakes are made, you’ll be helping to create a much nicer world for yourself and for the rest of us, instead of holding yourself and others to impossibly-high standards. Plus there’s also a line by the writer Elbert Hubbard that I think sums it up beautifully: “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”

So that leads to the next part of this episode; now, let’s talk about…    

Why self compassion matters

And it matters because how you treat yourself directly shapes your mental health and wellbeing. If you’re unkind and demanding towards yourself then you’re probably going to feel insecure, fearful, worried, and dissatisfied with yourself, or even potentially your life in general, and you may have low self esteem (which was the subject of Episode 43). On the other hand, if you show yourself kindness, compassion and understanding then you’re more likely to feel like you’re in control of your own destiny and to feel more secure in who you are (and who you are not) as a person, all of which leads to greater life satisfaction (and I covered satisfaction in Episode 110). And, by the way, audio and transcripts for all of my past episodes can be found at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes and you’ll find that linked in the episode description).    

Here’s the other reason why self compassion matters: if you can’t be kind and understanding towards yourself then how can you expect other people to be?! And, further to that, nobody can make you feel better about yourself, because it’s an inside job. This is one of those things I see a lot in my work as a coach and counsellor; I can guide you and help you to see things about yourself that maybe you hadn’t considered, but I can’t force you to believe them because that’s completely and totally up to you to do… if you don’t believe it, no amount of pointing these things out is going to make one bit of difference and you’re probably going to keep on feeling a bit crap about yourself! Which, of course, is the opposite of self compassion; when you show yourself compassion and understanding, you are choosing to be kind to yourself in spite of your perceived flaws and instead you’re choosing to accept who you are in order to find greater peace of mind.

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of this episode and let’s talk about… 

How to show yourself greater self compassion every day

OK, so I’m going to start with a tip that might sound really obvious but it’s a challenging one, and it is choose to be kinder to yourself — because, again, if you don’t, then who will?! This is something I discussed in Episode 41 about kindness and I know it can be a lot of work to start being kinder to yourself if your default is to be overly self-critical, but you can begin by simply choosing to list a few things about yourself that you like and then slowly build on that list over time. Why do I suggest that? Because this is about actively choosing to turn your attention to the positives instead of the negative, because what you focus on is what you focus on (and I discussed that in more detail in Episode 90 about positivity and Episode 86 about focus). Another way to be kinder to yourself is with my next point…

Re-assess the standards you set for yourself — because it’s fairly common for many of us to have a ridiculously-long list of standards and expectations that make it hard for us to feel good about ourselves because we’re too busy trying to achieve all of these things that we demand from ourselves. A few weeks ago my therapist and I did an exercise where she had me spend just a few minutes listing some of the standards I expect from myself, and in the space of about three minutes I came up with 36 things. 36! It’s no wonder I’ve been so damn tired lately! She sent me the list afterwards and it was quite confronting to see them all (and to know that I had only really just scratched the surface, since we only spent a short time on creating that list). Since that exercise I’ve found myself doing more research on why I do that, and if you happen to follow @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram — it’s Dr. Nicole LePera and she has over 5 million followers — she’s been talking a lot lately about how people who were emotionally neglected by their parents often have those types of traits in adulthood, and it’s been like a light bulb going off over my head and has helped me to be more compassionate towards myself; previously I saw me being hard on myself as a failure or that something was wrong with me, whereas now I understand that it’s a common response to childhood trauma and that means I’m able to show myself much more kindness if and when I default into particular behaviours. Anyway, my point is that when you do that exercise for yourself and see all the things that you expect from yourself, you begin to realise that being kind to yourself makes an enormous difference. OK, next…  

Give yourself permission to make things easier for yourself — because we often overcomplicate things when, really, the simplest approach is often the best (which I discussed in Episode 63 about simplicity). For example, I recently went to send out my mid-October update to my Patreon supporters and discovered technical issues with the video that would have meant needing to completely re-film; not an easy task because I’m in the middle of doing some rearranging in my office and it looks like a bomb has hit it. So that meant I needed to think about how I could make things easier, and instead of stressing myself out with a reshoot (and then having to edit) I sent out a written update covering the same information. Most of the time we set really high standards and expectations for ourselves (and lots of them as well, like I said earlier!), and realistically very few people are really going to care — or even pay much attention — if you choose to keep things as simple as possible. Make life as easy as you can for yourself, which then frees up your headspace to do the next thing I’m going to suggest which is…

Make time for yourself — because you need regular time to rest, recharge and regroup in order to be able to show up for yourself and for the people you care about the most. Here come all of my favourite clichés about looking after yourself: you can’t fill from an empty cup, fit your own oxygen mask before trying to help others, your phone needs to be recharged and so do you, and if you don’t look after yourself then nobody is going to do it for you! Set aside regular time for yourself at least several times a week (if not daily) that is just for yourself, without the pressure of getting things done, and do things just for you that you enjoy; my go-to is reading or watching something on YouTube (I’m really into the Curator’s Corner series by the British Museum at the moment; I know, what a nerd!). Figure out what works for you and do as much of it as possible, because it’s the simplest way to show yourself kindness (and I covered self care all the way back in Episode 6). Another way is with my next point, which is… 

Improve the way you talk to yourself — look, most of us talk to ourselves (even if we might not admit it to others)… the thoughts that run through our heads are a stream of consciousness about anything and everything that we’re exposed to both internally and externally, and one of the things that often happens is that the voice can be quite judgemental; it’s that critical voice that says things like, “I can’t believe I did that, I’m so stupid” or “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I get this right?” and the thing is that the more you listen to that voice the harder it becomes to focus on the positives, because that nagging little voice will draw your attention to everything it thinks is wrong with you. Here’s the thing: that voice is not a positive one and those thoughts are not true. It is simply your brain trying to protect yourself from your fears and insecurities; it’s just going a really messed-up way about it. Thoughts are not facts, and so when you choose to challenge your thoughts (and that voice in your head) you can begin to look at things more objectively in order to understand where the thoughts are coming from and how to turn your attention from the negative towards the positive instead. I’ve covered some topics in past episodes that you’ll find helpful for improving your self-talk: thoughts in Episode 123 and self talk in Episode 9, plus beliefs in Episode 141. OK, next… 

Confront your fears and insecurities — because in order to understand why you can be unkind to yourself you need to do the work to truly understand why you’re unkind to yourself. Most of the things we’re afraid of will never happen, and we spend a huge amount of time worrying about a future that is very unlikely to unfold the way we fear it will… so instead of allowing those fears and insecurities to control you, shine a light on them and begin to strip away their power. I talked about how to deal with fear in Episode 10 and insecurity in Episode 35 plus I covered worry in Episode 95 and the future in Episode 100. OK, next…

Focus on your strengths — remember how I said earlier that “what you focus on is what you focus on”? Aside from being one of those catchy little bits of advice that I really enjoy incorporating into my work, it’s a good way to remember that whether you look for the positive or the negative you will find whatever you look for. So, instead of focusing on your negative aspects (and we all have them, even if we might not admit it to ourselves or to others) choose to turn your attention to the things you do well or that you’re good at in order to help build your self confidence and self belief (and I covered self belief in Episode 125). And a quick word here about ‘weaknesses’: I hate that term! I don’t believe anything is a weakness; instead, it’s simply a development opportunity… because with the right attitude and with enough time, effort and perseverance, you can learn to improve almost anything (sure, there will always be some limitations around that, which is why I say ‘almost’ anything!). To call something a ‘weakness’ almost feels like giving up a bit; it’s the equivalent of putting your hands up in the air and saying “oh well!” and I’m not really a fan of that, because there’s an enormous difference between gracefully finding acceptance with the things you’re not great at versus just giving up. OK, moving on, my next point is…

Set and maintain clear boundaries — and by that I mean with other people and with yourself, and I say this because you get to decide who has access to you and what that access looks and feels like, and when you choose to be proactive about protecting yourself from negative influences you are showing yourself true kindness, compassion and respect (and if you don’t set boundaries then it’s more likely that other people will take and take and take from you, which will make it harder and harder to feel positively about yourself). And, please, remember that boundaries are great but they need to be maintained to be effective; a boundary is just an imaginary line if it isn’t enforced. I talked about how to do that in Episode 53 about boundaries, plus I covered energy in Episode 67 and self respect in Episode 96 so you might find those helpful as well. Alright, next… 

Get support — and this is about asking for support if and when you need it, and also (ideally) being proactive about seeking help to learn how to be more compassionate with yourself; I have said many times that I work with a therapist myself, even with the work I do as a counsellor, because it allows me to continue to build on the progress I’ve already made and find new ways to feel better about who I am and what I have to offer to the world, and I encourage you to find support too (especially if you find it challenging to show yourself kindness and compassion).

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to self compassion and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: You are an amazing and unique individual, and when you choose to show yourself greater kindness and respect you can see more and more of the wonderful things about yourself that the people who care for you recognise and love. Compassion is simply kindness and understanding in action, and when you treat others with kindness it leads to healthier relationships with them… just like treating yourself with kindness leads to a healthier relationship with yourself. You are going to spend the rest of your life with yourself, so choose to treat yourself with positivity and respect in order to find greater satisfaction and peace of mind. 

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by the writer Jack Kornfield, and it is:

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”  

Jack Kornfield

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about self acceptance. Next week is the conclusion of my series of four episodes about how you choose to treat yourself, and I’m finishing up the conversation by diving in to the most important aspect of all: self acceptance. While self compassion involves being kinder and more understanding to yourself, self acceptance takes that mindset many steps further to help you to fully embrace who you are in order to find peace of mind and a sense of inner calm. So, next time I’ll be talking about what self acceptance is (and what it isn’t), why self acceptance matters, and how to build your self acceptance. 

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 6th of November, 2022. 

You can find many more practical mental health tips in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), which is available from Amazon and Apple Books, and visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au where you can sign up to my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts for a weekly dose of inspiration.

Become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra benefits, and follow my podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth plus check out my other account, @jeremygodwinofficial, where I post daily tips sharing Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck — and those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2022 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.