Let’s Talk About… Bullying

This episode talks about bullying and abuse. Listener discretion is advised.

Have you ever been bullied? What are the effects of bullying on your mental health, and how can you recover from being bullied?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that helps you look after your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 18 June, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 184, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about bullying and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011 that completely changed my life. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what bullying is, why it has such an impact on our mental health, and how to deal with and recover from being bullied. So, let’s talk about bullying!

Introduction

If you’ve ever been bullied at any point in your life, either when you were younger or as an adult, then you know how horrible it can feel, and just how long the after-effects linger around for, eating away at your self-confidence and self-worth. 

I was bullied throughout nearly all of high school and I’ve also copped it a few times in the workplace, and every single time it made me feel like absolute rubbish… however, with a lot of time and effort I’ve been able to work through all that and now I make a point of talking very openly about what I experienced and, more importantly, how I was able to heal from some fairly traumatic stuff, and I do that because I genuinely feel like we just don’t talk about how to heal from bullying enough — so that’s what I’m covering today, and I’m hoping that by the end of this episode you’ll feel ready and able to take on the world and start your own healing process!

I’m just going to say this upfront so you know a little bit of what to expect today: in my life I have never come across a single bully who was the type of person that I would even remotely respect if they weren’t bullying me… in fact, quite the opposite! Every single bully I’ve ever dealt with has been mean, nasty, self-absorbed and hateful, and those are not qualities I want anywhere near me; in fact, I would happily go out of my way to avoid anyone displaying those behaviours!  

And, I mean, this is a massive generalisation but basically every bully I’ve ever encountered seemed to be barely a single line of DNA away from being a Neanderthal, and usually with much worse teeth!

Now that’s the sort of thing that you don’t actually say to a bully if you want to live; as tempting as it may be to point out their losing ticket in life’s lottery of intelligence, usually all that will do is piss them off and make things worse…!

Realistically though, we can’t just avoid bullies because they’re everywhere — both in real life and online, where they seem to thrive — and so it’s necessary to have a bunch of tools and techniques up your sleeve that you can pull out when you need to dodge some nonsense from someone with the IQ of a houseplant. And if you’re worried that I might be bullying the bullies by making fun of their shortcomings, then let me just say that I feel like there’s a line between bullying and calling out other peoples’ crappy behaviour, and anyone who chooses to actively do harm to another human being is going to find themselves being called out by me over and over again!

Before we get into all the good stuff around how to tackle these types of people, let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions; so, let’s talk about… 

What is bullying?

Bullying is a repeated, intentional behaviour that involves some sort of power imbalance, whether that’s real or perceived (which I’ll come back to in a second). The aim of bullying is to actively cause harm to another person, whether that’s physical harm, emotional harm, social harm, or a combination of some or all of those types. 

When we talk about bullying, it can pop up in all sorts of ways like:

• Physical bullying: which is anything that harms a person’s body or their possessions, so it could involve hitting, kicking, tripping, theft, or damaging property
• Verbal bullying: which involves using spoken words to do harm, usually through insults, teasing, threatening, or making inappropriate or nasty comments about someone.
• Social or relational bullying: this type is all about hurting someone’s reputation or relationships; it can be as simple as spreading nasty rumours or deliberately leaving someone out of activities or a group, or even intentionally trying to embarrass someone in public.
• Cyberbullying: This one happens via digital devices — mobile phones, computers, tablets, you name it. It might happen through text messages, social media, forums, or online games. This is where someone sends, posts, or shares harmful, mean, or outright false content about someone else.

So that’s not an exhaustive list, and bullies will find endless different ways to bully (because that’s what bullies do), but hopefully you’ll see that what those examples all have in common is that they’re focused on either putting someone down or actively doing some type of harm to them (or both), and it’s a very power-driven type of behaviour. 

So I’m just going to say this really bluntly, especially since it seems some people in the media and online have trouble understanding it: all forms of bullying are harmful and wrong. 

I rarely ever do the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ thing here in this podcast, but this is the sort of the subject where there can be absolutely no ambiguity and where it needs to be made very clear that these types of behaviours do a lot of harm to other peoples’ mental health, and that’s just not on. Just because someone is different, or because one person doesn’t like what another person does or does not do, or because someone wants to feel better about themselves by causing harm to someone else… none of that ever provides a justification for bullying. Ever. 

Bullying can have severe and long-lasting impacts on the individuals involved, including the person being bullied, the person doing the bullying, and those who witness bullying. It can lead to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy, and in severe cases, suicidal thoughts and feelings. It can also impact physical health and academic performance and participation. Bullying needs to be addressed quickly and effectively to minimise the chance of these sorts of long-term impacts.

So, I talked about power imbalances earlier and I just want to circle back and talk you through the two types you may encounter: real power imbalances, and perceived power imbalances. Let me explain what they mean. 

First, when we talk about real power imbalances, we’re usually looking at clear and concrete differences that you can actually see or measure, like when someone is in a more powerful position in the workplace or when they’re physically bigger than the other person. On the other hand, perceived power imbalances are more about how things seem or feel; they’re based on personal beliefs or opinions, rather than solid facts. For example, that could be popularity at school (where someone uses their perceived popularity to wield influence over how another person is treated) or it could be perceived financial status (where how much money someone may or may not have could influence the way they treat others or the types of behaviour they think they can get away with). Being part of a majority group has a perceived social advantage, depending on where you live and what’s considered ‘mainstream’; whether it’s about race, religion, sexuality, or another characteristic, people in the majority can be seen as more powerful than those in the minority, even if there’s no actual imbalance in a specific situation.

Ideally, the goal for all of us is to create spaces where everyone feels valued and respected, regardless of any real or perceived power imbalances. 

So, why do bullies bully? I think that, generally speaking, often it comes down to a bully focusing on someone’s difference or their perceived weakness (or both).

Look, we’re all unique and complex creatures so of course the reasons can be varied, but often the reason for bullying can involve some common factors such as:

• Power and control: Bullies often seek to exert their influence over others, either to compensate for their own feelings of powerlessness or to create a social hierarchy where they’re at the top.
• Lack of empathy: Some individuals may lack the necessary understanding of the harm they’re causing others, and may not perceive their actions as hurtful or damaging.
• Peer pressure and group dynamics: In some cases, individuals may bully others in order to fit in with a group or to avoid becoming targets of bullying themselves.
• Personal issues or insecurities: Some people may bully others as a way of dealing with their own problems or feelings of inadequacy. They may target others who they perceive as having qualities, abilities, or possessions that they envy or which they find confronting.
• Poor impulse control: Some bullies may have difficulties controlling their emotions and actions, which could be related to various factors including their personal circumstances, diagnosed or undiagnosed psychological conditions, or lack of appropriate emotional management skills.
• Environment and upbringing: If individuals grow up in an environment where bullying behaviour is normalised, like in a family where there’s abuse, or in a school where bullying is ignored, they might learn these behaviours and adopt them themselves. And… 
• Media influence: Media and popular culture often glorify power dynamics, aggression, and disrespect; just take a look at the types of people many news media outlets give attention to. Some individuals might be influenced by these portrayals and replicate such behaviours in their own interactions.
• Or, just maybe, the person bullies because they’re a dick and they think they’re better or more entitled!

Here’s the thing: these types of factors do not excuse bullying behaviour. Understanding these reasons can help in developing strategies to prevent and address bullying. Intervention, education, empathy training, and creating supportive environments can all be part of a comprehensive approach to stop bullying. However I will say that understanding is important but victims of bullying must be protected and cared for first and foremost; that is very likely a personal opinion, rather than a purely professional one, and I say that because I’m well aware of the fact that it’s impossible for me to be purely objective on this subject; I know what it’s like to feel terrified and worthless from constant physical, verbal and emotional bullying, and I copped it at home from my mother as well as at school, so there was a period of about four or five years when I was a teenager where I didn’t feel safe anywhere, and frankly I’m surprised I made it through. 

So, now let me talk about…

Why bullying has such a big impact on your mental health

When we’re talking about being bullied, it’s important to remember just how much harm it can do to your mental health, like I said earlier, and there are loads of different reasons for that.

Firstly, it’s about feeling safe. Bullying can shake up this sense of safety that is so fundamental to our needs as human beings, especially when it’s happening somewhere that should be a safe space, like school or home. That kind of continuous stress and fear can lead to issues like anxiety.

Then there’s self-esteem and self-worth. If someone’s constantly being criticised, embarrassed, or left out of things, then logic would suggest that they might eventually start thinking there’s something wrong with them or even believe they deserve this kind of treatment, which can lead to feelings of depression and loneliness. I know that, for myself, as an adult I have found it very challenging to deal with the emotional impacts of rejection of any kind, so much so that it’s an ongoing topic of conversation with my therapist, and I know that a huge part of why that happens is because of everything I experienced throughout high school.

Bullying can also lead to social isolation. Sometimes, the person being bullied starts avoiding social situations to try and escape more bullying. Or, like I said earlier, they might be purposely left out by others, which in turn creates more social isolation. We’re all social beings, so this can make feelings of loneliness and depression even worse.

Beyond that, the ongoing fear of being bullied also creates an enormous amount of stress; over the long term that can lead to mental health problems like anxiety and depression, and it can even have an impact on physical health, causing things like sleep problems and lower immunity.

In some serious cases, bullying can be traumatic. This is especially true when it involves physical or sexual harm, and it can lead to something called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or other mental health issues related to trauma (and I covered trauma back in Episode 118).

Lastly, even though bullying can happen to anyone at any age, let’s take a moment to specifically talk about children and young people who are still growing mentally and emotionally. For them, bullying can be particularly damaging. The stress and emotional upset caused by bullying can affect their brain development, learning, and even their ability to form healthy relationships long after the bullying has finished and well into adulthood.

What I do want to say, and maybe this is a bit of me getting on my soapbox (and so be it!), is that ‘bullying’ isn’t a term that should be used lightly and it’s certainly not OK to use it just because you don’t like what someone is saying to you; there’s a real ‘intentional harm’ thing that underpins bullying, and so when the term gets misused I feel like it almost diminishes what people who have been really bullied have to go through.

I have talked in past episodes about how I went through a whole bunch of crap at one of my past employers because one of the team leaders who worked for me lodged a bullying claim against me. It happened because I discovered that she was falsifying records and not doing her job, and when I confronted her about it she then lodged a bullying claim, which was eventually overturned and I was proven to be innocent, but it dragged on and on for more than six months and left such a bad taste in my mouth that I ended up leaving that company because I was just so disgusted by how little they had supported me, to the point where I was being bullied by her and other people and that was completely ignored… and if I sound a little angry 10-plus years later, that’s because I am! I’ve made my peace with it now, and it’s in the past, but accepting something doesn’t mean you have to forget about it, or stop being angry about it, and so I choose to talk out about my experiences, both there and in other jobs, and also when I was severely bullied in high school, because speaking out robs those events of any power they might have once held over me. I am not reduced by what happened; I am empowered by speaking openly about it and ensuring that others don’t go through what I went through.

So, getting back to my original point, bullying can lead to some very serious and long-lasting mental health issues, and that’s why it’s absolutely crucial to deal with things quickly if you’re being bullied (as well as why it’s important to work on the after-effects so that you can heal, instead of just pretending everything’s fine and then having your trauma bite you on the butt one day when you least expect it).

So how do you do all that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…

How to deal with and recover from being bullied

OK, so I’m going to talk about how to deal with bullying when it’s happening and then I’ll spend some time going over how to recover longer-term.

If and when you’re faced with bullying:

• First, stay calm — because often what a bully wants is an emotional reaction, which feeds into the whole ‘power’ thing, so by not showing fear or anger you just might deprive the bully of the reaction they’re hoping for.
• If you feel safe enough, be assertive and tell them that their actions are not acceptable; for example, you might say, “I feel upset when you say those things to me and I would like you to stop.” Next… 
• Avoid retaliation — because responding aggressively or trying to fight back will probably just escalate the situation; it’s better to avoid giving the bully an excuse to continue their behaviour. And that leads to my next point…
• Get away from the situation — and by that I mean to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can, if at all possible; go to a safe place where you can be with supportive friends or trustworthy people. Next… 
• Tell someone you trust — and this is probably the most important thing: you may feel like you shouldn’t talk about it, or you might feel embarrassed or ashamed, but you need to talk to someone; I know now that if I had have told people about how emotionally and physically abusive my mother was, things would have turned out quite differently and I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long… so talk about the incident with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, or work colleague. They can provide support, advice, and may be able to intervene on your behalf or help you report the matter. Next…
• Keep a record of any bullying incidents, including dates, times, locations, what was said or done, and who was involved. If the bullying happens online, take screenshots. This documentation can be helpful later if you decide to report the bullying or if things become worse. Next… 
• Formally report the bullying — by informing a responsible adult or workplace supervisor about the situation. If the bullying is happening at school, tell a teacher, school counsellor, or head teacher; in a work environment, report it to a manager, human resources, or follow your workplace’s procedure for reporting harassment. And next… 
• Seek professional help — because a counsellor or psychologist can provide emotional support, teach you coping strategies, and help you to rebuild your self-esteem and resilience.

Remember, it’s absolutely crucial not to blame yourself for the bullying. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and kindness; if you’re being bullied, it’s a reflection of the bully’s character, not yours.

OK, so now let’s talk about about some practical ways you can help yourself recover mentally and emotionally after experiencing bullying.

First, set boundaries for yourself — which means knowing what you’re OK with and what you’re not, and then clearly communicating those boundaries to other people. It’s about protecting your space, both physically and emotionally, which is part of building your confidence back up (and I covered boundaries in Episode 53). Next…

Show yourself compassion — because it’s all too easy to be hard on yourself, especially after something like bullying… but you are not responsible for the choices somebody else made, and the fact that they’re a dick who likes to bully people bears no reflection on just what a wonderful human being you are. So treat yourself with kindness, don’t blame yourself for what happened, and give yourself the space you need to heal (and I covered self-compassion back in Episode 153 which you’ll find helpful). OK, next…

Shift your mindset — and by that I mean to consciously view the bullying as a life challenge that you’ve overcome, rather than a personal failure… because it’s not a failure, and like I said before you are not responsible for the decisions other people make to behave like idiots. Instead of beating yourself up, remind yourself that you made it through a very tough time and that shows strength and resilience; recognising this can change your perspective and help you to heal, and help you to find your own closure (which I covered in Episode 178). Next…

Challenge negative self-talk — if you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, stop and question those thoughts. Are they actually true or just fears and insecurities brought on by the bullying? Counter these negative thoughts with positive affirmations and self-praise. Next…

Practice forgiveness — which might seem like a tall order, but it can be a powerful tool for healing. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or excusing the bully, but rather releasing the hold that this negative experience has over you. One way to do that is with my next point…

Journal — because writing is an excellent way to release your thoughts and feelings. It can help you process the bullying experience and track your healing. Plus, it’s a safe space to vent, which can be incredibly therapeutic. Next…

Develop your coping skills — that might mean learning relaxation techniques, like deep breathing or meditation, or finding creative outlets, like drawing or playing an instrument, which can all help you handle emotional distress. Everyone’s different, so it’s about finding what works for you (and I talked about healthy coping mechanisms in Episode 179).

And if you’re dealing with bullying at work then you’ll find even more practical tips in the short video version of this episode, available on YouTube and Spotify.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to bullying and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Being bullied sucks. It sucks when it’s happening, and it will keep on sucking days, weeks, months and even years later. One of the hardest things to accept for victims of bullying is the randomness of it; the way that one person decides that they’re better or more powerful than someone else, and so decides to make the other person’s life hell… sometimes for no reason other than the fact that they can. It’s not personal. It feels personal, but it’s actually not and you are not responsible for the fact that the bully is a complete piece of trash who doesn’t know how to behave like a decent human being. Protect yourself, ask for help, focus on your wellbeing, and give yourself time to heal. You will be OK, with time, effort and perseverance.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“A healthy mind does not speak ill of others.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about ageing. Whether we like it or not, every day we grow a little older… not necessarily wiser, but definitely older! A lot of people struggle with that fact, either consciously or subconsciously, and I’ve personally found that in my 40’s my attitude towards ageing has changed and evolved significantly (probably because I’m reminded of it on a daily basis when I look into the mirror!). So, how can you age in a mentally-healthy way? Well, that’s what I’ll be talking about next week! I’ll be covering what ageing is (and what it isn’t), why a healthy attitude towards ageing matters, and how to age well for the sake of your mental health.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 25th of June, 2023. Make sure you hit ‘follow’ on your preferred podcast platform to stay up-to-date with new episodes.

You can watch a mini video version of this episode, full of tips for how to deal with bullying at work, on Spotify and YouTube.

And if you’d like even more tips to help you look after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. Plus if you become a supporter on my Patreon you’ll receive exclusive extra content as well as early access to episodes. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at ltamh.com. 

And if you’d like more tips to help you look after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. And become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra content plus early access to episodes. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.