Let’s Talk About… Drama

What is drama? How does being surrounded by drama affect your mental health? And how can you live a more satisfying life by reducing the amount of drama you’re exposed to?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that helps you improve your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 21 May, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 180, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about drama and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011 that completely changed my life. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what drama is, why minimising drama matters, and how to reduce drama in your life. So, let’s talk about drama!

Introduction

I have a confession to make. It’s something that’s hard to admit out loud, and at the moment I’m feeling quite raw and vulnerable because, quite frankly, I don’t know if you’ll ever look at me the same ever again once I say this: back in the first few years of the 2010’s, I was addicted to the Real Housewives of New Jersey and the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, not to mention Mob Wives and its spin-off Big Ang (may she rest in peace). Now, if you’ve ever gone within a mile of any of those shows then you’d be well aware that they’re hardly the calmest programs in the world — frankly, they make Gordon Ramsay look like a meek and mild choirboy by comparison — and it took me a long time to fully realise that I wasn’t really helping myself find mental stability during my difficult times by being a fly on the wall for the never-ending feud between Kyle and Camille or watching Teresa scream at people and flip tables (and, just so we’re clear, table-flipping is never a healthy choice to make!).

Anyway, my point is that I — like many people — found myself sucked into the drama-filled world of reality television and for a time it seemed like a great escape from the harsh realities of daily life, but for me it just ended up being one of many ways in which I was allowing drama to follow me around like a bad smell. Let me be very clear and say that I’m not judging anyone who enjoys watching these shows — you do you — but my piece here is that when something you’re watching, or anything you’re involved in in your real life, is full of drama then it’s going to be a little bit challenging to find a sense of calm in your life; like I said recently in Episode 174, about peace of mind, “don’t tell me that you want peace of mind, and then run, arms wide open, towards drama!”

So let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions, and let’s talk about…

What is drama?

And no, I’m not talking about the telenovela type of drama here! 

You know how sometimes we can find ourselves caught up in those unnecessary, emotionally-charged situations and conflicts with the people around us? Yep, that’s drama! It’s often filled with gossip, manipulation, and over-the-top emotions, and it can really bring stress and negativity into our lives.

In the context of mental health, ‘drama’ refers to incidents and situations that are usually quite emotional and conflict-focused, like someone who gossips a lot about other peoples’ choices or a family member who seems to thrive on conflict or who likes to try and control others. Drama can cause a lot of problems in terms of creating relationship issues and arguments, and it can just feel really draining to be around. 

Now, if you’re someone who is maybe exposed to drama sometimes (or a lot of the time) then it’s possible you don’t even realise just how much it’s affecting you, because you’re just so used to it that you just put up with it or maybe you feel obligated to tolerate it (like with certain people or situations, such as with your family or at your work), but it’s important to understand that (a) it can really do a lot of harm to your mental health, and (b) you are under absolutely no obligation to put up with crap (and nor should you!). 

Healthy relationships should be built on open communication, understanding, and mutual respect — not constant conflict and emotional chaos.

Look, not all emotional situations are examples of ‘drama’ and the fact is that life is always going to throw random stuff our way because that’s just what happens. For example, just the other week, sadly we lost one of our chickens when a fox took her — one of the unfortunate side-effects of living in the country next to a creek — and we had to spend the rest of the day trying to sort out the safety of our remaining chickens and our ducks, so of course that was highly emotional. But the type of drama I’m talking about — and which I’m going to be strongly encouraging you to reduce your exposure to — is the messy stuff that’s just unnecessary; nobody needs to gossip or backstab or constantly moan about things they have no intention of ever doing anything about, and all that stuff does is bring you down and surround you with bad juju or toxic energy. 

Some of the more common types of drama include: 

• Spreading rumours or gossip, or discussing other peoples’ personal lives in a negative and judgmental way
• Getting other people involved in a conflict, instead of addressing the issue directly with the person concerned
• Being passive-aggressive and communicating in an indirect or hostile way to express negative feelings, like being sarcastic or using the silent treatment
• Exaggerating emotions or overreacting to minor issues, playing the victim, or expressing excessive anger or sadness that’s significantly out of proportion to the situation
• Being manipulative by using guilt, coercion, or deception to control other people or to gain sympathy
• Frequent bouts of jealousy and constantly comparing themselves to others, or feeling threatened by other peoples’ success or happiness 
• Attention-seeking by deliberately creating problems or crises to gain attention or sympathy from others 
• Being overly competitive and turning every interaction into a contest of some sort, always trying to outdo others or prove themselves to be superior
• Overanalysing and reading too much into someone’s words or actions, often with a negative interpretation
• Having unresolved conflicts and continuously bringing up past issues without trying to resolve them 
• Being excessively critical of other peoples’ actions or decisions, often with a harsh tone or without providing any constructive feedback
• Gaslighting or manipulating someone’s perception of reality by denying or distorting facts, leading the person to question their own memory or sanity
• Intentionally depriving someone of emotional support or affection as a means of control or punishment
• Being unwilling or unable to compromise, and insisting on having things done their way or refusing to consider the perspectives of other people
• Regularly issuing ultimatums, like “If you don’t do this, I’ll leave” or “Not under my roof” which can all lead to a dramatic and unstable atmosphere within a relationship

And I’m sure there are many more, but frankly I’m exhausted just from all those ones! 

Here’s the thing: drama can show up in our lives and our relationships in lots of different ways, and it can really do a lot of damage. If you want to have healthy relationships, and a more balanced and peaceful life, then recognising and addressing these types of behaviours is absolutely crucial.

I made a conscious choice a few years back to step away from drama, and frankly I didn’t realise just how tough that choice was going to be because drama is everywhere sometimes! 

It has definitely meant changing the nature of certain relationships, being a lot more conscious of what I read and watch, and also being much stricter with myself about what accounts I follow on social media; I ended up abandoning Facebook and Twitter because they just seem like an absolute magnet for messiness and drama. 

I’m not going to pretend that walking away from all that has been easy because it hasn’t. But oh boy, has it been worth it! I don’t find myself being drawn into conversations and situations that feel icky anymore, and I feel like I have a greater level of control over who has access to me and what that access looks and feels like. After a lifetime that was heavily influenced by growing up in a drama-filled home, where nothing was the same from one minute to the next and where I had to serve as an emotional dumping ground for an erratic mother who had major beef with basically anyone and everyone, there’s now a level of calm and tranquility in my life that I’ve just never really had before and that’s played a huge role in helping me to manage my anxiety.

So with all of that in mind, now let’s talk about…

Why minimising drama matters

And I feel like I probably just covered this, but let me say it anyway: drama sucks, and drama will suck the life out of you! Being involved in or exposed to drama, whether it’s at home or at work (or both), can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and a generally-negative outlook on life. Constant exposure to drama can be emotionally draining and it can make it virtually impossible to maintain a balanced and peaceful life (I mean, ‘drama’ is the polar opposite of ‘peace’… just so we’re clear!). 

Minimising the amount of drama you’re exposed to or involved in matters for quite a few reasons. 

First off, when you minimise drama in your life, you’re reducing the amount of stress and negativity that you’re exposed to. We all know how draining those emotionally-charged situations can be, right? Well, by cutting down on drama, you’re giving yourself the chance to focus on more positive aspects of your life. Plus, less stress equals better mental health and overall wellbeing… so, it’s a win-win!

Another reason why minimising drama is essential for better mental health is that it helps you establish and maintain healthier relationships. When you’re not caught up in constant conflict and emotional turmoil, you can build connections based on trust, open communication, and mutual respect… all the things that form the foundation of healthy relationships. And let’s be honest — who wouldn’t want to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships in their lives, rather than ones that make you feel terrible about yourself or second-guess your choices?! And by letting go of unhealthy relationships you can create space for new, positive connections with like-minded individuals who share your values and interests, and who are genuinely supportive of who you are and what you do, which can lead to a much more fulfilling social life or work life, depending on what the context is.

Next, reducing drama also means that you’re setting boundaries for yourself and being assertive, and that’s important because it helps you prioritise your own mental and emotional wellbeing. When you set boundaries, you’re sending a clear message that you value yourself and your mental health. Plus, it teaches others how they can treat you with respect and understanding (and it also role-models for other people that you don’t have to put up with crap or toxic nonsense!).

So, reducing the amount of drama in your life has a range of benefits for your mental health and it helps you to set yourself up for a much happier and more peaceful life. And that’s something we all deserve, don’t you think? So then I guess the question now is “well how do I do all of that?” and that’s an excellent question! So let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to reduce drama in your life

And let’s start with be honest with yourself — and by that I mean to be honest about those relationships and situations in your life that are so full of drama they make the Kardashians look like quiet farmers by comparison! I think most (if not all) of us know when something’s not quite right or when it’s outright dysfunctional, but we might turn a blind eye or just go out of our way to avoid admitting the truth to ourselves… but those relationships and situations are doing harm to you, and so you need to listen to your instincts and acknowledge that fact. I covered instinct in Episode 156 and dysfunctional relationships in Episode 168, so both of those will be helpful. OK, next… 

Be self-aware — and if you’ve ever listened to an episode of my show before then you’ll know that I’m fairly direct, which might help to explain why I’m pointing out the fact that in any relationship there are two people involved… and many of us tend to give as good as we get, especially if we feel attacked or triggered; I mentioned my mother earlier and that woman still knows how to push my buttons to get a reaction, even when I’m working hard to bite my tongue, and once I’ve been activated I tend to be just as bad as she is when it comes to the drama… which is why I go out of my way to avoid her, because I don’t want to be that person. So, reflect on your own behaviour and emotions, and consider whether you may be contributing to the drama as well (even a little). Take responsibility for your actions and work on your personal growth to minimise any unintentional drama and to figure out ways to remove yourself from drama if and when it happens. Speaking of that, my next tip is… 

Practice emotional distancing — so emotional distancing, which is sometimes called emotional detachment or self-regulation, is all about keeping your cool in tough situations. It’s a way to avoid getting too caught up in negative emotions or letting other people’s feelings get the best of you. So, how can you practice emotional distancing? Start by being mindful; for example, by meditating, taking a few deep breaths, or finding other ways to stay present and self-aware. Observe your thoughts and emotions without judging them, and recognise your triggers so you know when you need to be extra careful with your emotions. You might want to visualise a protective barrier around yourself, or turn your attention to actively setting boundaries with others. The point here is about giving yourself time to pause and breathe so that you don’t just react from a place that’s full of emotions; you need to give yourself some time for your rational brain to catch up with your emotional brain. So, take a breather before responding to intense situations, and if you can lean on your support network or just step away for a bit, great! You don’t have to respond immediately, so take your time if you need it. OK, next…

Set boundaries — which I mentioned in the last point, but they’re fairly important so I’m calling it out again. Take some time to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with other people, both emotionally and physically, and also consider your own personal boundaries with yourself (like what you will or will not accept). Be clear about your limits and communicate them assertively but respectfully. I covered how to do that in Episode 53 about boundaries and I also talked about assertiveness in Episode 45. OK, next… 

Reflect on your values — and then focus on sticking to them! I’m a firm believer that we should all stand for something and that those principles should guide what we do and say, as well as what we accept or don’t accept from the people around us. You can do that in a way that’s flexible and open to change and growth, but realistically-speaking your core values and priorities in life are hopefully the things that push you to make better choices… and I’m hoping that one of those choices is to reduce the amount of drama in your life! And, by the way, I covered values in Episode 138 if you’d like to explore that topic further. So, my next tip is… 

Focus on what you can control — you need to accept that you cannot ever control other people’s actions or their emotions, and instead focus on your own reactions and choices… because that’s all you have any control over. For everything else, you just have to rest assured that sooner or later karma will do its thing; I once had the pleasure of watching the nastiest girl in my class get crapped on by a horse on a school excursion, just minutes after she’d said something really mean to me, so there’s a good reason why I believe in the whole ‘you get back what you put out’ thing! However it’s also up to you to make smart choices about how much you allow those sort of people to affect you and to have access to you. I’ve had so many conversations with people who have said things like, “yes but we’re related so I can’t avoid them!” and I’m like, “ummm… yes, you can! Or you can at least limit your contact with them!” You are always in control of who has access to you and what that access looks and feels like. OK, next… 

Focus on what really matters — because the majority of the stuff that goes on in life just doesn’t matter. Who cares who’s dating who in the celebrity world? Who cares what this person said about that person in that show that nobody’s going to remember in a decade? Who cares that your neighbour went and put a bag of rubbish in your bin when it was out on the street? Side note: my mother’s neighbour did that once and she went on about it for five years. Five years! Honestly, I just don’t get it! Anyway… when you consciously remind yourself every day of what actually matters in your life it makes it that much easier to let go of the stuff that just doesn’t matter. And guess what? Most of it just doesn’t matter! OK, next… 

Be proactive — and by that I mean anticipating potential sources of drama and developing strategies in advance to address them before they escalate. For example, that could involve creating a plan for gracefully and tactfully removing yourself from any drama-filled situations or conversations as they arise. For yourself, it could mean developing a ‘drama filter’ where you stop before sharing any information or opinions and ask yourself if what you’re about to say is true, necessary, and kind, which can then help you avoid contributing to drama or gossip. Alright, next… 

Improve your communication — and you do that by practicing open, honest, and direct communication with other people. Address conflicts or misunderstandings quickly and calmly, so that they don’t fester and escalate, and focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame or complaining. I talked about how to develop healthy communication skills in Episode 134 about communication, so you’ll find that helpful. OK, next… 

Limit your exposure to drama and gossip — and often in this show I like to state the obvious, and this is one of those times: if you get involved in drama and gossip, then it’s going to be a bit hard to avoid it isn’t it?! Choose not to participate in gossip or surround yourself with people who frequently gossip or stir up drama. Instead, engage in positive, uplifting conversations that foster connection and mutual support and surround yourself with positive influences by building relationships with people who encourage and inspire you, and distance yourself from those who constantly create or thrive on drama or negativity. Next… 

Choose your battles wisely — recognise that not every disagreement or issue is worth engaging in. Sometimes, it’s better to let go and move on, so that you can preserve your mental and emotional energy for more important matters. Speaking of that, my next tip is… 

Practice forgiveness — because holding onto resentment and grudges can actually end up prolonging drama. Learn to forgive yourself and others, allowing yourself to move forward and release negative emotions (and I talked about how to do that back in Episode 44 about forgiveness). Next… 

Walk away if you need to — because there’s a big difference between supporting someone through a rough patch versus getting sucked into a never-ending cycle of drama. It’s their drama, so let them star in it; you don’t need to sign on to be a supporting actor! By setting healthy boundaries for yourself, and taking a step back from people who seem to thrive on drama, you can protect your mental health while still being there for the people who truly matter to you and who respect you.

Seek support — because you don’t have to go through difficult situations or relationships on your own, and sometimes an external perspective can be just what you need in order to see things more clearly. Reach out to friends, family, a trusted colleague or manager, or a professional counsellor or therapist and ask them for their guidance and support in dealing with the situation.

OK, so I want to wrap up today by specifically exploring some tips on how to have a drama-free conversation with a difficult person. This can be challenging, especially if there’s a lot of history or pre-existing conflict, but it’s possible to do by using the following strategies:

• Stay calm and approach the conversation in an even-tempered way, taking deep breaths if you need to; if you can’t be calm, then you’re not ready to talk yet and you need to give time for your emotions to settle down so you can have a constructive discussion
• Give the person your full attention and listen carefully to what they have to say, and make your points in a calm and rational way
• Try to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it; acknowledge their feelings and validate their emotions, showing that you’re truly trying to understand their point of view
• Speak from your own experience, using “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings without placing blame or making accusations; doing this can help prevent defensiveness
• Be fair and respectful by avoiding accusations or insults, as well as sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments, which can just escalate tension and provoke more drama
• Focus on solutions instead of dwelling on past issues or assigning blame
• Respectfully assert your boundaries and be clear about what you’re willing to discuss versus what is off-limits
• Keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand, and avoid bringing up unrelated or past grievances
• Be willing to consider alternative perspectives and options, and try to find a middle ground
• Know when to disengage; if the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, recognise when it’s time to step back and take a break… you can always revisit the discussion later when emotions have cooled down

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to drama and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: reducing the amount of drama in your life is essential for your mental health and overall wellbeing. It’s about realising how much drama robs you of your peace of mind and then taking action to minimise the hold it has on you which can lead to healthier relationships. Drama is exhausting, it’s draining, and it’s toxic, and so breaking free from drama will lead to a much more peaceful and fulfilling life. It’s okay to step back from situations and relationships that consistently bring negativity and stress, even if they involve family members. By adopting strategies like emotional distancing and setting boundaries, you can cultivate a drama-free environment and pave the way for a happier, healthier version of yourself. It’s time to take control and make the changes you need to make in order to live your best life — free from unnecessary drama and strife.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Mandy Hale, and it is:

“Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. Fumigate.”

Mandy Hale

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about imposter syndrome. Do you ever feel like a fraud in your own life, constantly doubting your achievements and worrying you’ll be exposed as a fake? You’re not alone. Imposter syndrome affects so many of us, so next time I’ll be exploring imposter syndrome and mental health and how to tackle it head-on so you can reclaim your confidence. I’ll be talking about what imposter syndrome is, why it affects us, and how to deal with and overcome imposter syndrome.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 28th of May, 2023. Make sure you hit ‘follow’ on your preferred podcast platform to stay up-to-date with new episodes.

You can watch a mini video version of this episode, focused on how to remove yourself from drama, on Spotify and YouTube.

And if you’d like more tips to help you look after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. And become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra content plus early access to episodes. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.