Let’s Talk About… Dysfunctional Relationships

By Jeremy Godwin

What are dysfunctional relationships? Why are some relationships dysfunctional? And how can you build healthier relationships in all areas of your life?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 26 February, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 168, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about dysfunctional relationships and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I help you improve your mental health, with  simple tips you can put into practice immediately. All of my episodes are based on both quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what dysfunctional relationships are (and what they are not), why addressing them matters, and how to manage these type of relationships in a healthy way. So, let’s talk about dysfunctional relationships!

Introduction

Back in 2011, an up-and-coming singer named Beyoncé released a song called Start Over which featured the line, “Let’s start over, stop fighting ’bout the same old things…” (I hear she’s a pretty good singer, by the way, so keep an eye on her because I’m sure she’ll be big one of these days!). I’m sharing that because (a) there’s always an opportunity to work a Beyoncé lyric into a conversation, and (b) that song is a great example of being in a relationship where you know that things have to change, and yet you can find yourself feeling stuck and clinging on in spite of all the unpleasantness because change feels terrifying (even if it’s the best thing for you).

Now, today I’m talking about all types of relationships: romantic, family, friends, work colleagues, etc. The unavoidable truth of being a human is that it’s fairly difficult to avoid interaction with other people — I mean, they’re everywhere! — and from time to time we can find ourselves in relationships that are messy, complicated, difficult, unpleasant or even downright toxic.

I think it’s fair to say that I entered my “zero tolerance for nonsense” era a few years ago, and so when it comes to dysfunctional relationships of any type my message is fairly blunt: do not put up with rubbish, foolishness, poor behaviour, shenanigans or crap of any kind. Zero. Nada. Zilch. I don’t do tolerance — it’s either acceptance or nothing for me (and I’ll explain why in a minute) — and so if it’s not something you’re willing to accept (and frankly I think we all know that shenanigans of any kind should not be accepted!) then you have to take a firm stance on it and shut that crap down the minute it rears its head. I do a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ thing (which is about as close to playing sport as I’ll ever get): first time I call it out, second time I call out that I’m having to call it out again, and third time we are done. 

Anyway, I’m probably getting a bit ahead of myself (I do that sometimes), so before I continue let’s go through some definitions and let’s talk about…

What are dysfunctional relationships?

And if you find yourself in the mood to go and look up the word ‘dysfunctional’ in the Oxford Dictionary (because that’s a totally fun and exciting thing to do), you’ll see it defined as: “not operating normally or properly” and “unable to deal adequately with normal social relations”… and those are certainly some fairly dry and boring definitions, so here’s mine: it’s any relationship that is not healthy. Like I said before that could be any type of relationship, both at home and at work, and in general, a dysfunctional relationship is one where things just don’t work in a healthy and mutually-beneficial way. 

A functional relationship — whether we’re talking about a romantic relationship, family, friend or professional relationship — is one that has mutual trust, lots of support for one another, honesty, transparency, a healthy balance of give and take, and, most importantly, mutual respect. That doesn’t mean that a functional relationship is perfect or that it never involves having disagreements or arguments, because they do, but the point here is that functional relationships are ones that remain healthy in spite of those inevitable challenges that will occur from time to time (since we can never and will never agree on everything, because we’re all unique human beings with our own wants and needs). 

On the other hand, a dysfunctional relationship will also be prone to disagreements and arguments however in these types of relationships they tend to be (a) destructive rather than constructive, (b) very much focused on winning rather than trying to find solutions, and (c) so common that it’s a case of “if we’re fighting then it must be a day of the week ending in ‘y’” (and even though that joke isn’t going to work in the Spanish and Portuguese versions of my transcript, which are available on my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes along with the English version, the joke does work in English so I’m sticking with it!). 

So, in dysfunctional relationships there might be frequent issues with miscommunication and total communication breakdowns, there could be a lack of trust and respect, and often one or both people in the relationship will display negative patterns of behaviour (which is just a nice and polite way of saying that they will be mean, cruel or even unkind to one another). 

Some of the most common signs of a dysfunctional relationship include: frequent arguing, feeling emotionally or physically drained when you’re around the other person, and a sense of hopelessness about the future of the relationship. At the worst end of the scale, these types of relationships can be emotionally or even physically abusive; let me state very clearly once and for all that it’s important to seek help if you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind as it can have a very serious impact on your mental health and overall wellbeing.

Here’s what dysfunctional relationships are not: they’re not a failure, and they’re not your fault (especially if you’re on the receiving end of toxic behaviour). We can quite often look to blame ourselves for a failing or unhealthy relationship, but this is one of those cases where it most definitely takes two to tango; there are two people in a relationship and we are each accountable for our own words and actions. Nothing makes me sadder than when I hear people blame themselves for the crappy way someone else treats them; no, you are not responsible for the choices anybody else makes. You are responsible for what you do and say, and that’s it, and if someone is treating you like crap then that is 100% on them.

And so, with that in mind, now let’s talk about… 

Why addressing dysfunctional relationships matters

And it matters because anything less than a healthy and functional relationship is inevitably going to do harm to your mental health. 

These kinds of relationships just aren’t good for you, and I know that’s really blunt and often there are lots of emotions involved (especially when it’s a personal relationship) but I’m not going to sit here and pretend that a dysfunctional relationship isn’t doing you harm… because it is. And so that means that either something has to change or you’ll find yourself stuck in the same cycles that will repeat over and over again; as I often say in this podcast, nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Think about dysfunctional relationships for a moment. They tend to be full of really unpleasant stuff like constant criticism, negativity, manipulation, and just a general lack of support and consideration. I mean, honestly, I feel emotionally drained just talking about it! I think I’ve mentioned in an earlier episode — don’t ask me which one, I’ve lost track by this point — that I had a friend who tended not to be great with the whole give-and-take thing, and I slowly realised over time just how one-sided our friendship was; the last time I saw her, we were together for 45 minutes and she didn’t ask me how I was. Not once! She made the entire discussion about her and I walked away feeling like the life had been sucked out of me. I mean, that’s pretty messed up… right?! 

Here’s the thing: if you find yourself feeling drained after interacting with someone, or even totally emotionally exhausted, or if you’re constantly on-edge because you’re trying not to rock the boat or put a foot wrong, or if the other person treats you poorly or leaves you feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough… then I hate to break it to you but what you have there is a dysfunctional relationship, my friend, and you need to do something about it because it’s certainly not going to magically fix itself! 

So how do you do that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of this episode and let’s talk about…

How to manage dysfunctional relationships in a healthy way

And I hope I don’t annoy you too much by stating the obvious right off the bat, but my first tip is actually to focus on positive, supportive relationships — and I’m starting with that because, frankly, it’s a lot more positive to focus on what you do want rather than what you don’t. Here’s the thing: I’d much prefer to see you put your energy into the people who are kind and supportive towards you (and who you’re kind and supportive towards in return, because healthy relationships are about give and take!) rather than trying to invest a huge amount of time in quote/unquote ‘fixing’ dysfunctional relationships; by focusing on healthier relationships, you’ll naturally spend less and less time dealing with the unhealthier ones. But we all know that there are some relationships that are hard to get away from — work ones for example, plus family — and so that brings me to my next point… 

Set and maintain clear boundaries — and if you’re a regular listener that advice probably sounds familiar and you’d be right, because I tend to say it about 84 times an episode and with good reason! Boundaries tend to get a lot of attention in self-help circles and they can be over-engineered a lot of the time; my view with everything is to keep things as simple as possible, so for me having boundaries simply means being very clear with myself about what I will and will not accept (and why) and then sticking to it (that’s where my ‘three strikes and you’re out’ approach that I mentioned earlier comes in). I covered boundaries in a lot more detail back in Episode 53 so check that out if you’d like to learn more about setting healthy boundaries. OK, next… 

Be thoughtful about what you accept — and this continues on from the boundaries point but this is specifically about understanding that what you accept is what you get, so you need to call things out early and often before they become patterns of behaviour. This comes back to that “tolerance versus acceptance” thing I mentioned earlier, in the sense that ‘tolerance’ refers to putting up with something (even if you really don’t like it) and ‘acceptance’ means, well, accepting it, in the sense that you either wholeheartedly approve of something and consent to it or you allow it to be without judgement or interference. The unfortunate thing is that some people — mainly toxic people — can often take a lack of complaint as being acceptance… so think twice before you decide to let something go just to ‘keep the peace’ or so as not to ‘rock the boat’ because it can lead to further issues. Just to be clear, I’m not saying that you’re at fault if you don’t say anything — because you’re not, and I know sometimes it’s not always easy or even safe to say something — but my point here is that if you can say something (and if it’s safe to do so) then you need to, in spite of the fact that it might make you feel uncomfortable, because the other person needs to very clearly know and understand that you are not going to accept whatever the behaviour is that they’re displaying (which I talked about in Episode 132 about discomfort). Hopefully that all makes sense! The short version is: don’t put up with crap, and definitely don’t accept it! And speaking of that, my next point is… 

Communicate openly and honestly — because communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Here’s the thing: we don’t have to agree all the time (and we never will anyway); we just need to talk about issues if and when they happen, and we need to deal with them early before they get out of control. There are, in my opinion, two main reasons why relationships become dysfunctional: communication (as in miscommunication or a lack of communication, or both), and spite (as in active and conscious spitefulness and maliciousness). Yes, there are lots of other things but I think it’s fair to say that those two — communication issues and spite — tend to be the most common, and they’re two things that do a lot of damage because they can lead to mistrust, suspicion, tit-for-tat behaviour, controlling behaviours and worse. And it also means having honest conversations about what is and is not acceptable in a relationship; for example, in a romantic relationship, is monogamy something both parties agree to? Instead of just assuming the other person is on the same page as you, you need to have an honest discussion about expectations and boundaries in order to then be able to move forward in a united way. So, in short, the message here is to communicate openly and communicate often; if you’re struggling with how to address a disagreement then I covered that in Episode 165, and for tips on communication in general check out Episode 134. OK, next… 

Take responsibility for your own actions — you know that whole “it takes two to tango” thing I said earlier? Yeah, we need to talk about that. Because in many dysfunctional relationships — many, but not all — we’re probably at least a little bit guilty of giving as good as we get. I know I have been in the past; I had a work colleague once who clearly didn’t like me, no idea why, and instead of addressing it with her calmly and rationally — like an adult — I was quite curt and abrupt with her when I had to deal with her (mainly because it was a way of masking my insecurities around her, but I was still pretty rude back to her when she was rude to me), and I would then happily go and gossip about her to anyone who would listen. Talk about fighting fire with fire! Which, by the way, only gets you a bigger fire (and yes, my fingers were definitely singed a few times by her). Honestly, with the exception of those really toxic and abusive relationships I mentioned earlier (and which I’m coming back to shortly), you really need to think about your part in the dysfunction and consider how you can approach things in a kinder way. Does that mean giving the other person a free pass to continue being nasty? No! And that’s why I said earlier about setting boundaries and then sticking to them. But you don’t need to stir the pot while you’re at it; choose to treat others with respect, even if they’re not showing you the same courtesy, and at least that way you have a leg to stand on in terms of being able to say enough is enough (which is a bit hard to do when you’re adding your own fuel to the fire!). OK, next… 

Focus on solutions — and by this I mean to consciously and actively look for ways to fix things and move forward, rather than using up all your energy on finding problems and assigning blame. Dysfunctional relationships involve an awful lot of finger-pointing and it’s like, that’s great, but now what? At what point do you stop assigning blame and do something to resolve the issue? I don’t think anyone should just ‘get away with’ things, because wilful negative behaviour needs to be called out (like I said earlier), but that doesn’t actually fix anything. When you choose to look for solutions, it’s basically saying, “Look, I may not be happy about whatever has or hasn’t happened, but how do we move forward from here?” — and that’s a lot healthier than going around in circles trying to figure out who’s to blame! OK, next…

Break the pattern — and this one is especially relevant for family relationships, although it’s applicable in pretty much all types as well. The thing is that a lot of dysfunctional behaviour is deeply rooted — in families it might go back for generations; in workplaces it might have been going on for years or even decades — but just because things have always been done a certain way that doesn’t make them right, and it certainly doesn’t make them healthy. And, on top of all that, it most definitely does not mean that those patterns need to continue; it just takes one brave person to put a stop to destructive patterns, and I’m going to assume that you’re listening to this because you either are that brave person already or because you’re thinking about being brave… if that’s the case, I say go for it. It’s not easy, but often what is necessary is not easy. I like to apply a simple thought process to any kind of behaviour or pattern, which is: (a) is it harmful? and (b) is it kind? Answering those two questions can quickly help you to see where changes may need to be made, but the thing about change is that a lot of people are incredibly resistant to it… especially when it shakes up the status quo. It’s why you’ll see people clinging on to old ways of thinking and being, even if they’re unhealthy and harmful ways of doing things, simply because they’re familiar… and familiarity equals safety and security, even if it’s messed-up. I once watched a person I was talking to, who was smoking at the time, start practically coughing up a lung for nearly two straight minutes and then light up another cigarette immediately after the coughing fit ended; if that’s not the definition of self-harming behaviours then I don’t know what is! Anyway, my point is that these kinds of patterns need to be broken; don’t just accept things or put up with them because ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’ — if it’s doing harm, something needs to change. However, and I say this very openly and honestly, not everyone will like it if and when you do call out these kinds of dysfunctional patterns, or when you refuse to participate, and so that brings me to my next point…

Be aware some people are set in their ways — even if those ways are harmful or toxic. Let’s be honest: some people just like things the way they are because (a) it serves their purposes, (b) they don’t like change, or (c) they think ‘that’s just the way things are’ (which, of course, just isn’t true; everything can change). I once had someone tell me that I should forget about all of the physical and emotional abuse my mother inflicted on me and just forgive her because “she’s your mother” — my answer to that involved both telling the person to piss off and also pointing out that none of us are under any obligation to remain in a toxic relationship, regardless of whether or not that person is related to us; I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, being related to you does not give someone the right to treat you like crap and it most certainly does not guarantee them access to you. But, sadly, a lot of people just keep on believing that they cannot and should not challenge the way that things are, especially when it comes to family (which, by the way, is not only sad but it’s also dangerous, because it’s how people wind up being manipulated by others). You may need to be prepared to upset things in order to prioritise your mental health; do so with kindness and understanding, but never be afraid to speak your truth (just recognise that some people may not understand it or even tolerate it, because it shatters their worldview and shakes up their reality). And so, with that in mind, my next point is… 

Be prepared to walk away from any dysfunctional relationship — because unless you’re willing to walk, you’re stuck. And that means that your options become extremely limited, which influences how you interact with the other person and what you put up with. You have to be willing to leave if nothing changes. At work that means being prepared to look for a new job. With friends it means being willing to leave the friendship. With family it means being prepared to either put distance between the two of you or to end the relationship entirely. And with a romantic partner, it means being willing to walk away and knowing that there are plenty of other fish in the sea (many of whom you can find on the website Plenty of Fish; this is not sponsored, I just know a timely opportunity for a lame joke when I see one). The whole point here is to take control and to own your power; you are always in control of who has access to you as well as what that access looks and feels like. And let me also say that you should have an absolute zero tolerance for any kind of abuse — physical or emotional or financial, etc. — because this kind of stuff is not the time to be negotiating or giving second and third chances to people; at the first sign of trouble, get your butt out of there. There are plenty of support services available and I highly encourage you to make use of them if you need to. And that leads to my next point…

Get support — and that goes for all types of dysfunctional situations; you don’t have to be dealing with a certain minimum level of trauma to be ‘allowed’ to talk to a counsellor or psychologist, because every situation is unique and your feelings are completely valid. I feel like one of the biggest challenges for a lot of people is to give themselves permission to talk to someone about how they’re really feeling, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that not only is it helpful but it can also be life-saving in the sense of giving you someone objective and supportive to talk through so that these thoughts and concerns don’t just live in your head.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to dysfunctional relationships and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: You’re never going to get along with everybody, but there’s a huge difference between not seeing eye-to-eye and having a relationship with someone that is so toxic it makes politics look tame by comparison. When there’s a lack of trust, poor communication, minimal or non-existent support or constant arguing and fighting (or all of the above and more), that relationship isn’t a healthy one and it needs work. And that means it’s up to you to do the work, even if that means having to make some tough calls if things don’t improve. Don’t ever let yourself be used or feel used by someone, and don’t ever accept a situation that is doing harm to you in physical, emotional, financial or general terms. You get to choose who has access to you and what that access looks and feels like, so make choices that prioritise your self-worth and self-respect.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“The moment you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about giving. One of the things I often encourage you to do for better mental health is to give more than you take… but honestly, what does that even mean, and what does it look like in practice? And, more importantly, how do you give in a way that doesn’t leave you completely drained and emotionally exhausted? Well, that’s what I’ll be talking about in my next episode! I’ll be talking about what giving is (and what it isn’t), why giving matters, and how to give in a healthy and balanced way.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 5th of March, 2023. 

You can find more practical tips to improve your mental health in my latest book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! and in my recent book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One) which are both available from Amazon and Apple Books, and sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au for a weekly dose of inspiration. Plus, join me on Patreon for exclusive extra content and benefits, including early access to episodes; those are all linked in the episode description.

And you can find me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.