Let’s Talk About… Disagreements

By Jeremy Godwin

Why do disagreements happen? How do they affect your mental health? And how can you deal with disagreements and arguments in a healthy way?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

Versión en español | Versione italiana | Versão em português

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This podcast episode was originally released on 5 February, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 165, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about disagreements and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I help you improve your mental health, with  simple tips you can put into practice immediately. All of my episodes are based on both quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what disagreements are, why approaching them thoughtfully matters, and how to manage disagreements in a healthy way. 

Before I begin, I’d like to quickly let you know that after this episode there unfortunately won’t be an Italian translation anymore, however it will continue to be available for the time being in both Spanish and European Portuguese as well as English (you can find the transcript for each episode at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes and if you sign up to my free mailing list you’ll have it sent to your inbox each week; you’ll find it linked in the episode description). 

So, with all that covered, let’s talk about disagreements!

Introduction

I’m going to begin today by pointing out that we are never going to agree 100 percent of the time, and whether or not you agree with that statement is kind of irrelevant. If you agree then, great!, we’re on the same page. And if you disagree, then you’ve just proven my point… so, you know, either way we’re good!

The fact is that we’re never going to be able to see eye to eye all of the time — and I’ll talk about why shortly — and so we’re going to wind up arguing with other people (or trying to avoid arguments!) every now and then. While there are some people who seem determined to turn arguing into an Olympic sport — and most of them wind up screaming into the void on low-quality television shows passed off laughingly as ‘news’ and ‘current affairs’ (by the way, an opinion isn’t news… just so we’re clear on that!), I think the vast majority of us aren’t particularly keen on disagreements and arguments with others, especially when it comes to our loved ones and co-workers. I’m not going to pretend that there aren’t some people who thrive off of drama and who are very happy and content to stir the pot (and I’ve definitely known and worked with my fair share of those people in the past, as I’m sure you have too), I think most of us though just want things to be calmer and less dramatic. Is that fair to say? Well, I’m going to work off the assumption that it is… especially since I’ve been banging on with my “less drama and more peace of mind” message for a good three-plus years now here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health! 

The thing is, though, that just saying you want peace of mind doesn’t immediately solve all disagreements. I have at least one disagreement with my partner on a daily basis; it’s usually over something small, rarely ever anything major, and we almost always resolve it on the spot or, at most, we have it resolved by the end of the day. So my point is that I don’t want you coming into this episode thinking that I have the secret to how to not disagree with anyone, because I definitely don’t and I am the first to admit that disagreements often come with the territory when you’re being assertive and setting boundaries (two things that are absolutely fundamental if you want to improve your mental health and your peace of mind).

Today, more than ever before, there are so many divisions between us, and people’s values and beliefs have been turned into weapons to wield against one another as we argue and fight with one another over and over again. That’s dangerous. When we’re encouraged to fight, instead of finding common ground or mutually-agreeable ways to move forward, we make things far more difficult than they need to be. I’ll discuss that a bit more later, but let’s first go through some definitions and let’s talk about…

What are disagreements?

A disagreement is when we have a lack of consensus with someone else. It’s similar to an argument, which can be defined as ‘an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated one’ (and that definition comes from the Oxford Dictionary), and the kind of main difference between the two is that a disagreement usually tends to be less heated than an argument. Either way, both disagreements and arguments are a potential source of conflict between two people or between groups of people, and conflicts can have a habit of blowing up into something much bigger if they’re left unresolved — every single war that has ever been fought started with a series of disagreements, which turned into arguments, which then turned into serious conflicts and which then escalated from there to the point of no return. 

So why do we disagree then? Well, there are lots of reasons why people might not see eye to eye with one another. It could be that they have different beliefs or values, or maybe they’ve had different life experiences and so that influences how they view the world. Sometimes disagreements happen because people aren’t on the same page or they’re not communicating well with one another. Emotions can also play a huge role in disagreements, as well as our personal biases (in other words, how our thoughts, feelings and experiences influence the way we perceive the world and the choices we make). 

And then there are a host of other things that can lead to disagreements: being stubborn, being wrong, not having all the information, misunderstanding where someone else is coming from or what they’re saying, not being willing to compromise, being unable to see another person’s perspective, not understanding someone else’s emotions, our own personal biases, our own motivations… the list goes on. I mean, there’s a whole industry built around conflict resolution — not to mention the fact that almost the entire legal profession is there just to sort out disagreements — so I think it’s fair to say that the reasons for our disagreements are varied and complex! Sometimes it’s even emotionally-driven because of something like shock or disgust; I heard someone recently refer to the year 2001 as ‘back at the turn of the century’ and I almost fainted and then instantly felt like I wanted to disagree (even though I’d be in the wrong) — sure, they’re technically correct, but it still feels like a hate crime to refer to it like that considering that’s the year I turned 25!

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, we disagree when we’re not on the same page about something, when we’re not united in agreement on the best way to move forward, or when we just do not agree.

Now, I never ever thought I would find myself quoting the song I’m about to quote — it’s The Living Years by Mike + The Mechanics from 1988, and I absolutely hated it when it first came out (I was 12 at the time and my mother played it non-stop, and 12 year olds are genetically programmed to hate everything their parents like; although to be fair, I still don’t really like it because it’s overly cheesy, but there you go… ) — however sometimes when I’m writing I feel the urge to put in a song quote (maybe I’m possessed) but if I can’t think of a relevant one then I’ll do a bit of research and find something that fits. Anyway the point is there’s a line in that song that goes, “We all talk a different language talking in defence,” and that felt very relevant; when we’re in a heated disagreement, we’re very rarely able to fully understand one another because we’re consumed by our emotions, so we may as well be speaking different languages for all the good it’s doing us in terms of finding any common ground!

When we think about disagreements there are basically three main types:

1. Where we haven’t heard or understood one another,
2. Where we don’t want to hear or understand one another, and
3. Where we don’t like one another and so the specific disagreement is more about other factors like our past interactions with each other, our personality differences, our strong differences of opinions/beliefs/life experiences/etc.

Regardless of what type of disagreement you’re having with someone, it’s worthwhile remembering these two things: first, conflict is destructive, not productive, and second, when you try to fight fire with fire, you just end up with a bigger fire. So that’s where it’s necessary to take some time to think things through in order to handle disagreements in a more considered and thoughtful way (rather than just opening your mouth and letting everything you’re thinking spill out). Why? Well, funnily enough that actually leads into the next part of this topic (it’s almost as though I wrote it that way, isn’t it?!); so, now let’s talk about…

Why approaching disagreements thoughtfully matters

And, broadly speaking, it matters because a lot of disagreements can lead to ongoing conflict and relationship difficulties, and they can leave you feeling unsettled, upset or even stressed out. 

Now, I’m certainly not going to pretend that the world should be rainbows, unicorns, lollipops and dancing panda bears (although how much fun would that be?!); there are 8 billion of us in this world and we each have our own unique life experiences, not to mention our own values and beliefs, and so we’re just never going to agree all of the time (and how boring would it be if we did anyway?!). But there’s a huge difference between healthy and respectful disagreements versus unhealthy and disrespectful ones; you know, the kind that descend into all-out war and usually involve saying or doing a whole bunch of things that one or both of you regrets for a very long time afterwards. 

I say all of that because this is a fairly personal one, because I know all-too-well from firsthand experience the kind of mess that can be made by not being thoughtful during a disagreement; I’ve blown up many a friendship or working relationship in the past because of my inability to think before I speak, and it’s something I’ve been working on a lot over the past few years (and thankfully I’m a lot better with it now… most of the time!). I mean, I’m still the type of person that if you piss me off you’ll definitely know about it… but I’m not going to just go into the ‘speak first, think later’ mode which used to be my default in my 20’s and 30’s, because that caused a lot of disagreements to turn into full-on arguments and I just don’t want or need that type of drama in my life. 

If I have a point here (and I think I do… I think?!) it’s that we all learn from our experiences, and we all grow over time, and so I’m hoping that what I’ve learned will be helpful for you, regardless of whether you’re a ‘blow up’ kind of person or someone who immediately retreats in the face of conflict, or anything in-between.

You know, this might sound random but go with me on it: the band Tears for Fears may have told us in 1985 that Everybody Wants to Rule the World but I really think everybody just wants to be understood, even if they’re not necessarily agreed with, and I think a lot of our disagreements come from the frustration associated with not feeling like we’re being understood. Do you see what I mean? After all, it was Her Royal Highness Cher who told us in 1991:

“Not enough love and understanding

We could use some love

To ease these troubled times”

‘Love and Understanding’ by Cher

And so when Cher tells you to get it together then you damn well listen! I know, I know, at this point this podcast is half mental health stuff and half an excuse for me to indulge my never-ending love for 80’s and 90’s pop music, and I am completely at peace with that fact!

So, moving on, how do you do all of that? How do you sort out disagreements and find love and understanding? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…

How to manage disagreements in a healthy way

And since I’ve already pointed out that just blowing up isn’t a great way to handle things, my first point is calm down before you do or say anything — and this is one of those pieces of advice that could be really irritating to some of you, since nobody in the history of the world has ever calmed down as a result of being told to calm down (quite the opposite, actually!), but regardless it’s probably the most vital piece of advice I can give you for how to prevent a disagreement turning into an argument. The thing is that when we have an emotional reaction, that feeling (or set of feelings) generally lasts for about a minute and a half before they slowly begin to settle. And, at the same time, for the first 5-10 seconds of feeling emotionally triggered (which could mean anger, or fear, or hurt, etc.), you’ll often find that your instinctive biological responses take over and that means you end up running on pure adrenaline; when that happens, your logical brain has taken a back seat to your emotional brain, and you’re running on pure instinct. It’s why you might find yourself suddenly flying off the handle at someone, and if that happens it can then be even harder to find your way back to a calmer state of mind. So, instead of just reacting to the emotions instead choose to calm yourself gently before you respond. That may mean you need to ask for a minute or two, or you may even need to remove yourself from the situation, and I suggest just gently breathing your way through it until you feel calmer (preferably with your eyes closed if it’s safe to do so; if you’re driving on the freeway then it’s maybe not the best idea!). Here’s why this matters so much: anything said or done in the heat of anger or at the height of a fear response will very likely come back and bite you in the backside later, because when we operate on pure instinct we aren’t thinking things through rationally. Emotions are important, because they tell us how we really feel about something and what we need, but they should be balanced with rational thought in order to make smarter choices. OK, next…

Listen and think before you speak — and, again, this would be fairly tough to do if you just react to your emotions because then it becomes about trying to win; healthy disagreements aren’t about finding a winner, but instead finding a solution. Slow down, listen to what the person is saying (and what they’re not saying), ask questions and seek to understand. Here’s the thing: you don’t have to agree with someone to understand where they’re coming from. I have an older relative who leans quite conservative in their political beliefs and rather than getting into fights with her about things I try to be considerate of the different values her generation held dear; you have to remember that the way people in their 70’s grew up is very different to people in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s. We are all a product of the world we grew up in and what was socially acceptable at the time, and so I find it easier to approach these types of disagreements (because I do disagree with a lot of what she says) with an open mind and an open heart. When you see the person behind the disagreement, it allows you to be a lot less argumentative. And the same goes for the assumptions we make about one another; make less assumptions and ask more questions. OK, next… 

Focus on solutions — because just focusing on the problem keeps you focused on the problem, whereas when you turn your attention to solutions the conversation then becomes about how to progress from here. Remember that the goal is not to win, but to agree on how to move forward and so that may mean needing to be flexible and willing to make compromises… because some battles just cannot be won. Look for common ground by trying to find areas that you both agree on and then you can build on things from there. Next…

Think seriously before you get into an ideological war with someone — because I am telling you now that no amount of disagreeing or arguing is going to make someone suddenly drop everything they believe in and come over to the other side. It’s a sad fact of reality that I even need to bring up the idea of ‘sides’, because there’s an entire industry that has been built up over the past decade based on driving us further and further apart, and unfortunately the beliefs and values of a lot of people have been turned into weapons of both destruction and distraction; while we’re busy fighting with one another about mundane crap on social media, those in power are making more and more money from destruction and exploitation. I know, I know, here I go again being all philosophical and adding in social commentary in a podcast that’s supposed to be about mental health, but the reality is that society has a direct impact on your mental health and vice versa, so it’s relevant now more than ever. My point is that instead of fighting with one another over our differing beliefs, let’s instead turn our attention to the things we have in common and let that help guide us towards a better way forward, rather than bickering over everything and anything. OK, stepping down from my soapbox, my next point is…

Communicate openly and honestly — and by this I mean to share your thoughts and feelings in a calm and respectful manner (bearing in mind what I said earlier about taking a break first if you need to calm down). Actively listen to what the other person is saying and try to understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it, because when you do that you can start thinking about ways to ‘meet in the middle’. And part of that also involves not assuming you know what the other person means; when we assume that we know what someone means or where they’re coming from, it often leads to misunderstandings. Instead of assuming, ask questions and dig a bit deeper to find out what’s really going on. I covered communication in Episode 134 and it really is the most important thing for any healthy relationship — that and honesty — so check that episode out if you haven’t already (you’ll find all my episodes and their transcripts for free at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes or just listen on your favourite podcast service). OK, next…  

Focus on the issue, not the person — avoid making personal attacks or accusing the other person of being wrong, because that will just go down like a lead balloon. Instead, keep the focus of the discussion on the specific issue at hand. Continuing on from that point, my next tip is…

Stay present in the conversation — which means not getting sidetracked or bringing up past issues. Stay focused on the current topic and try to stay in the present moment as much as possible, rather than bringing past problems into the argument as well, so that you’re not adding more fuel to the fire. Next…

Avoid absolute statements — and that simply means not to say things like “why do you always do X?” or “why do you never do Y?” because they’re fairly judgemental statements and all they do is piss people off! To be fair, nobody is one single thing and one thing only 100 percent of the time — I mean, we all need eight hours or so a day to sleep so it’s not physically possible to be doing something 24/7! — but beyond the kind-of logical reason for not making these kinds of sweeping generalisations, it also isn’t really fair and it tends to make someone get their back up and become defensive… and once that happens you are heading so far away from solution-town that you won’t even be able to see it in the rear vision mirror anymore! Speaking of that, my next point is closely related and it is…

Avoid the blame game — because pointing fingers doesn’t do anything other than prolong the focus on the argument rather than turning attention to solutions. Look, accountability is necessary (and I covered accountability all the way back in Episode 16) and we need to know the root cause of issues in order to be able to resolve them properly, but no amount of laying the blame on someone is going to resolve what has or hasn’t happened… only mutual co-operation can do that. Plus people just don’t tend to react all that well to the blame game, so you’re likely to end up turning a disagreement into a proper argument! Having said that, don’t let people get away with repeated poor behaviour and don’t let them off the hook for deliberate shenanigans; call them out and hold them to account, which requires you to be assertive (and I talked about how to do that in Episode 45 about assertiveness). OK, next…

Keep an open mind — because sometimes new information comes to hand and that can completely change your viewpoint on things, so be willing to consider new information and perspectives even if they’re different to your own (because that’s how we learn and grow). Next… 

Apologise if necessary — if you realise that you’ve made a mistake or that you’ve contributed to the disagreement, apologise and take responsibility for your actions. Someone once said to me at work that the sign of a great leader (and, I would also argue, a great human) isn’t about always being right, but about being humble enough to admit when you’re wrong. OK, next… 

Seek help if you need it — let’s face it: not every disagreement will end with the two of you walking off into the sunset arm in arm… that’s why we have professions like mediation and couples counselling! If you’re not able to resolve the disagreement on your own, consider seeking help from a neutral third party, such as a therapist or mediator, who can guide you both towards a resolution while remaining completely objective.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to disagreements and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: We’re never going to agree all of the time, and that’s OK. The trick is to be able to have healthy disagreements, where everyone involved is able to clearly state their position and be heard in a respectful way. When we choose to approach disagreements in a healthy way, instead of turning them into an all-out verbal brawl, we’re then able to work through our differences in a respectful and constructive way, which can actually help to strengthen the relationship over time.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Indira Gandhi, and it is:

“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

Indira Gandhi

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about confidence. What is it that makes us feel one way or the other about ourselves, and what does ‘feeling good about yourself’ actually look and feel like in practice? And beyond that, how can you overcome a lack of confidence? Well, that’s what I’m going to be talking about next time. I’ll be talking about what confidence is (and what it isn’t), why a healthy approach to confidence matters, and how to build and maintain your confidence in life.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 12th of February, 2023. 

You can find many more practical tips to help you improve your mental health in my latest book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! and in my recent book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One) which are both available from Amazon and Apple Books, and sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au for a weekly dose of inspiration.

Join me on Patreon for exclusive extra benefits, including early access to episodes and a weekly worksheet, and follow my podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health — those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
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Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.