Let’s Talk About… Red Flags

What are red flags? How do you deal with red flags in a healthy way? And how can you tell the difference between a red flag and an amber flag? And why are there so many flags?!

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that helps you improve your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 23 April, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 176, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about red flags and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011 that completely changed my life. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what red flags are (and what they are not), why you need to pay attention to red flags, and how to deal with red flags in a thoughtful way. So, let’s talk about red flags!

Introduction

I think that the core of most issues, and red flags in general, both in relationships and at work, very often comes back to a lack of communication or a lack of transparency (or both), which is why I’m going to start today by telling you that this will be a slightly shorter episode than usual because I have COVID; I feel like rubbish, and I can definitely rate it 0 out of 10, would not recommend! 

I haven’t actually had it before (I was a NOVID for 3 whole years), and it isn’t fun (not that I expected it to be)… I feel horrendous at the moment. It’s Day 4 when I’m recording this and for the last few nights I’ve slept a grand total of two or three hours a night, and of course that’s been in like 15-minute increments, so for a few days my brain has felt like Swiss cheese (or as they call it in Switzerland, cheese). 

I do these episodes a couple of weeks in advance (I’m recording this just before Easter 2023) so I’m sure I’ll be much better by the time you hear this, but right now I feel like something the dog found! Anyway, I’m not completely sure what any of that has to do with red flags so apparently going off on long tangents is one of the side effects of this thing… actually, I think that’s a pre-existing condition with me so let me try to get myself back on track! 

Like I said, this episode is going to be a bit shorter than usual but frankly I don’t think it matters because the key message with red flags is fairly straightforward: red flags mean stop, not to keep going and then looking for more red flags. You know how traffic lights are red, amber and green? And you know how red does not mean you get to keep on going without breaking the law? Yeah… same deal here with red flags, my friends!

So let’s get ourselves onto the same page and go through some definitions, and let’s talk about…

What are red flags?

And, generally speaking, red flags (or amber flags, which I’ll explain in a bit) are warning signs or indicators that something might not be right or that it may require a bit of further investigation to figure out what’s really going on. The term ‘red flags’ is one of those social media buzzwords that you’ll see used and abused a lot online, and it’s important to take a step back and make sure that you know the difference between an actual red flag versus something that you just don’t like or which makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. 

Red flags can apply to various different situations in your life such as romantic relationships, family relationships, friendships, work, etc. Today I’ll be focusing on all of those broadly, however you will hear me split my focus a little between ‘work’ versus ‘relationships’ (which covers all of your personal relationships, regardless of the nature of them).

So let’s talk about amber flags versus red flags, and it’s back to that traffic light analogy I used earlier: amber means proceed with caution and prepare to stop, whereas red means stop and do not proceed any further… the same thing applies in terms of the relationship and work situations I’m discussing today. Think of it this way: amber flags are signs that there might be some potential problems in the relationship or situation, whereas red flags are like a great big flashing neon sign telling you loud and clear that there are definitely issues that need to be dealt with.  

Amber flags could include having different values or interests, different levels of emotional availability, having unequal levels of commitment or differences in terms of their personal preferences, and maybe having some difficulty with communication.

Red flags, on the other hand, could include things like aggressive behaviour, being disrespectful, strange or unusual behaviours, repeated inconsistencies in someone’s story or the way they behave in different situations, an ongoing refusal to answer questions or even try to communicate, having a lack of empathy or concern for others, etc. 

There are levels, of course, and there’s a huge difference between someone making a mistake versus intentional behaviour, so let’s be a bit more specific.

In your relationships, some of the most common red flags are lying or dishonesty, a lack of trust or respect, controlling behaviour, unhealthy boundaries (or a total lack of boundaries), codependency, unresolved conflict, a lack of communication, being overly critical, disrespectful behaviour, infidelity, substance abuse or addictive behaviours (such as excessive gambling), and physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. 

At work, common red flags include poor or non-existent communication, high turnover rates, a culture of micromanagement, having unrealistic or unreasonable expectations placed on you, not having opportunities to grow in your career, having a poor work/life balance as a result of your work commitments, dishonest or unethical behaviour, etc. 

So, now let’s talk about… 

Why you need to pay attention to red flags

And I feel like I’m stating the obvious here but none of the things that I listed before, in terms of both your relationships and your work, are even remotely healthy, and they’re all very likely to do harm to your wellbeing in the long term. 

And I will also say that although I’m mainly focusing on red flags today, you need to be proactive about dealing with amber flags as well. Why? Because even though amber flags are less severe than red flags, they definitely shouldn’t be ignored… when issues are left unaddressed they have a tendency to fester and grow, so dealing with things early can help to prevent them from becoming bigger issues later on. 

So the key point here is really about taking care of yourself and making sure that your needs are met… because if you don’t do it, who will? You know, it’s funny because when I was researching this episode one of the autocomplete terms that came up on Google was “can red flags go away?” which I thought was very interesting; maybe it’s me, but I think that often we just don’t want reality to be reality, and so we hope things will just take care of themselves and improve on their own… but they won’t. People don’t just magically change who they are overnight, and you have no direct control over what someone else chooses to do or not do, and so it’s up to you to make a choice about the stuff that you can control: what you do and say, as well as what you don’t do or say.

So, with all of that in mind, let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and now let’s talk about… 

How to deal with red flags in a thoughtful way

So I’m going to start by talking about red flags — which are the more serious types of things we talked about earlier, such as controlling behaviours, disrespect, lying or dishonesty, lack of honest communication, abuse of any kind, etc. — and then I’m going to take some time to talk about how to deal with amber flags, which are the less severe types of issues (such as having difficulty communicating, being on different pages in terms of values or interests, etc.); let me say upfront that amber flags need to be dealt with swiftly and proactively, because those things have a habit of building and building over time until they become much larger issues (and if you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while now then you’d be well aware of the fact that I often say, “prevention is better than cure” because, well, it is!). 

OK, so let’s start with the more serious stuff and cover off on how to deal with red flags, and my first tip is:

Take some time to think things through — because dealing with red flags in any relationship or situation requires careful consideration and action; basically, what I’m saying here is to not be like a bull in a china shop and just charge headfirst into dealing with the issue, but instead to take some time for yourself to give it some thought. If you reflect back on the stuff I’ve been saying in this episode today, hopefully you’ll be aware that there’s a sort-of ‘undercurrent’ message throughout it all which is that you need to look after yourself and your needs, and so to do that you need to think about the situation and consider how it is affecting you. Once you are completely clear on that, it makes it a lot easier to do the next thing which is…

Decide what boundaries you need to set for yourself — because without boundaries, which are simply statements on what you will and will not accept, things can get very blurry and messy. You’ll notice that I said ‘for yourself’ in terms of this boundary-setting exercise; I’m suggesting you do this well before you even try to open up a discussion with the other person, and the reason why I say that is that it helps you to become really clear on what you will accept and what you won’t (and if you’d like to explore boundaries in more detail, I covered that topic back in Episode 53).  When you have a clear idea of the boundaries you want and need for yourself, the next step is…

Communicate your boundaries — and that means having an honest and open conversation about what you need and why, which can be quite challenging for a lot of people because we’re often hardwired to avoid conflict (something I talked about recently in Episode 165 where I covered disagreements) but the fact is that if you don’t ask then you won’t get. Other people cannot read your mind, and nobody is responsible for meeting your needs other than you… so, express your concerns openly and calmly, and then be firm and assertive in setting boundaries with the other person. And that leads to my next point…

Stick to your boundaries — and look, this is the bit a lot of people struggle with; they have an assertive conversation, they set the boundaries, they feel good and empowered and as though things are going to improve, and then… days, weeks or months later, things start going downhill again or possibly even return to the way they were, and that’s when most people struggle to figure out what to do next. So, I’ll tell you what you need to do next! You then need to call out what is happening (or not happening) and remind the person about the conversation you already have had and the specific boundaries you agreed on, because this discussion needs to be tied back into the fact the agreement isn’t being respected. Does that make sense? What that does is that it helps you to avoid going around in circles and instead keeps the discussion moving forward. If it happens again, then the next discussion needs to become specifically about why the person is choosing not to respect your boundaries and your needs, rather than just the specific behaviour itself (which you still need to address, but by that point the conversation is much bigger; if someone is repeatedly doing and saying things when you ask them not to, then that is a wilful choice and a clear sign of disrespect — which is one of the reddest red flags of them all). To cut a long story short, remember that a boundary which is not enforced is just an imaginary line… so it’s up to you to stick to your boundaries in order to protect your wellbeing and lay the foundation for a healthy relationship. And so that leads to my next point…

Be prepared to act on consequences — because if someone continues to treat you poorly, then you only really have one of two choices: accept it, or walk away. And let me state very, very clearly that choosing to accept it is the unhealthiest decision you could possibly make for yourself, so please don’t choose that path! If someone is treating you disrespectfully, or worse, then you owe it to yourself and your dignity to put your boots on and start walking. At work, that means you need to find another job as soon as possible. At home, that means potentially walking away. Often we’re scared to walk away from relationships, or our jobs, because we think we won’t be OK… but you will be OK, and you will find a way forward that’s far healthier for you than the situation you’re in now, and the short-term pain is worth it for all the long-term gain you’ll achieve. Never, ever, ever allow someone, in either your personal life or your professional one, to treat you with anything less than dignity and respect. Ever! OK, so my next point is…

Seek support — because we all need to have a good support system in place, so talk with trusted friends, family, or a professional (like a counsellor or therapist) for guidance, validation, and support. They can provide an outside perspective and offer valuable advice on how to deal with the red flags. Next… 

Look after yourself — and that means taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Self-care practices such as exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and mindfulness help you to maintain your wellbeing and your resilience when you’re dealing with difficult situations. Next… 

Educate yourself — and by that I mean learning more about healthy relationships and what constitutes healthy behaviour, because that can help you to identify and address red flags more effectively. Many of my episodes cover content that will be helpful here; probably the most useful one I did recently was Episode 168 about dysfunctional relationships, so check that out. 

OK, so now let’s talk about dealing with amber flags because that also requires some thoughtful consideration and being proactive about the steps you take to address things early, so here are some tips to help you do that starting with:

Communicate openly and honestly — because, just like with red flags, open and honest communication is key for dealing with amber flags so that you can focus your energy towards building a healthier relationship. I mean, communication is important all the time, but never more so than when there are issues! So, express your concerns or discomfort with the behaviours in a kind, calm and non-confrontational manner (which you do by using “I” statements, making sure you don’t attack the other person, and actively listening to understand each other’s perspective). I covered communication in Episode 134 which you’ll find very helpful for any kind of conversation, good or challenging. OK, next… 

Clarify your expectations — talk through what you expect (and why) as well as what the other person expects (and why), and discuss any differences in values, interests, or areas of concern. That means having an open and honest conversation about what each person expects from the relationship or situation, and what can be done to address any differences. Next… 

Find common ground — which means working together to address issues and finding solutions that work for everybody, or at least being willing to negotiate and compromise (provided that it’s fair for everybody; ‘compromise’ doesn’t mean just giving in!). Next…

Work on healthy communication — which means listening to one another (actually listening, and really hearing what is being said), expressing emotions in a healthy way, and working together to resolve conflicts in a constructive and respectful manner. Communication is without a doubt the foundation of any healthy relationship, and it’s the ability to talk about difficult things (without it ending in a major argument!) that defines a healthy relationship; you may not necessarily agree on everything, but if you can have a mature adult conversation about things then you can figure out a way forward that works for everybody, without needing to call the riot squad in! Next… 

Notice patterns — and by that I mean to be mindful of patterns of behaviour over time, both in terms of the other person and yourself (as well as the relationship as a whole). This comes back to what I said earlier about what to do if things start slipping again or if they go backwards fast; if you notice that problems keep on occurring, or if it feels like one step forward/two steps back, then you might need to reassess the relationship and your role in it going forward, because recurring patterns tend to build over time. OK, next…

Be clear about your values and needs — because you are responsible for your own happiness and satisfaction in life, and to make that happen consistently you need to be very clear about what matters to you and what you need out of any relationship or situation in general. I covered needs in Episode 137 and values in Episode 138 so you’ll find those helpful to explore this stuff in more detail, but basically my point here is that you need to consider what it is that you want and need out of a situation or relationship, as well as what you are and are not willing to accept, and then you need to think about whether the amber flags you’re seeing are something that you can accept or work through, or if they’re telling you that there are deeper issues that require a lot more attention.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to red flags and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Dealing with red flags can be challenging but it’s a necessity, and since prevention is better than cure it’s always ideal to try and tackle issues early rather than letting them grow and fester. Managing these sorts of difficult situations, either in your personal life or at work, requires courage, self-awareness, and action. However, you need to always remember that you have the right to be in healthy and respectful relationships, and it’s completely fine to take steps to protect yourself when faced with issues and red flags. Seeking support and taking appropriate action can help you navigate through challenging situations and also allow you to make the best choices for the sake of your wellbeing.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Ignoring the signs is a good way to end up in the wrong destination.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about feeling lost. Sometimes in life you may find yourself having no idea which way to turn or what to do next, or maybe even where you’re heading in general, and that feeling can be draining emotionally and mentally. A few weeks back I talked about feeling stuck, and next week I’m going to take that conversation one step further and talk about what to do if you feel like you’re completely lost and have no clue what to do next. So, next time I’ll be talking about what feeling lost means, why dealing with those feelings matters, and how to overcome feeling lost in life.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 30th of April, 2023. Make sure you hit ‘follow’ on your preferred podcast platform to stay up-to-date with new episodes.

You can catch a mini video version of this episode, focused on how to deal with red flags, on Spotify and YouTube.

And if you’d like more inspiration for looking after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. And you can explore exclusive extra content plus early access to episodes by becoming a supporter on Patreon. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.