Let’s Talk About… Rules

By Jeremy Godwin

What are the ‘rules’ of life? Who gets to say what the rules are? And how do you know how to navigate all of the so-called rules in order to look after your mental health?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 29 January, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 164, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about rules and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I help you improve your mental health, with  simple tips you can put into practice immediately. All of my episodes are based on both quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what rules are (and what they’re not), why the way you look at rules matters, and how to take a balanced approach to rules for the sake of your mental health. So, let’s talk about rules!

Introduction

Back in 2004, Welsh-born singer Jem released her debut single called They and the opening lines should give you a fair idea of what I’m going to be talking about today; the song goes: 

Who made up all the rules

We follow them like fools

Believe them to be true

Don’t care to think them through

— They by Jem

I chose to start off with that because not only is that verse the reason why I chose to add the topic ‘rules’ into my planned list of episodes (it came on when I was driving about six months ago and I immediately had the idea to talk about it), but I also chose it because I like to poke and prod at things a bit (or a lot) and I feel like there’s an enormous conversation to be had about how we steer our society — and therefore our individual lives — in a much healthier direction.

Every now and then I like to mix things up and this topic is an example of that, since it’s not just about ourselves as individuals but also society in general — something which fascinates me (I’ve mentioned in past episodes that I majored in both psychology and sociology, so I have a weirdly-nerdy love for exploring how individuals are affected by society and vice versa). Now, I won’t bang on about it too much (although no guarantees!) but I will say that I believe it’s virtually impossible to seperate the two: you as an individual are heavily influenced by the world around you, so it can directly affect your mental health, and at the same time the world is influenced by what each of us does or does not do, which creates a sense of collective wellbeing (or collective un-wellbeing, as the case may be). 

I’ll try to limit the philosophical musings as much as possible, but the point I want to make to really kick off this whole discussion is this: in a world where we are surrounded by rules every day — whether written, unwritten, or unspoken — who decides on the rules that govern what we do or don’t do with our lives? And what happens if the rules suck? Well that’s a question that will underpin much of what I talk about today, and by the end I hope you’ll have a better idea of how rules affect your mental health.

First let’s explore some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What are rules?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, rules can be defined as “one of a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles.” Generally speaking, rules are a set of instructions that tell you what you’re allowed to do or expected to do in a particular situation.

Rules can be written or unwritten, and they can be formal, like laws, or informal, like social norms which are usually unwritten expectations we have of one another and are generally understood by society. For example, let’s think about traffic rules: we have the specific traffic laws, which are formal, and then the rules that we all just know and understand (like driving on the road instead of on the footpath, and that running over pedestrians is a bad thing to do). Or, they could be rules or guidelines you set for yourself: for example, my rule is that when I’m working I don’t let myself watch TV because I know I become easily distracted (a point that I’ve proven repeatedly today when I’m writing this because I’m in my living room and I keep on watching and rewatching the Drag Race Season 15 talent show on YouTube instead of getting my work done; I hold Anetra and Jax personally responsible for my inability to concentrate, and if you’ve seen the show then you know what I’m talking about and why I’m distracted!)

So why do we have rules? 

Well, rules help to create order and predictability in society, and they can be used to regulate behaviour and to ensure that we treat one other with respect and fairness. In general, following rules is important because it helps to maintain a sense of order and stability, and doing so allows people to live and work together harmoniously. If there were no rules, we’d probably still be living in caves and constantly whacking one another over the head with a club so we could steal the other person’s fire.

On the other hand, let’s talk about what rules are not. Rules are not set in stone, because times change and values change (and I covered values in Episode 138) and the reality is that just because something was OK or acceptable yesterday that doesn’t mean that it can’t or shouldn’t change. Go back only just 20 or 30 years and large numbers of people were smoking (myself included — I finally quit in 2013 after being a smoker for 20 years, having started in high school) — today we look down on smoking much more than we ever did in the past. 

And if you go back even just 10 or 15 years ago there were very few people openly questioning why so much power remains concentrated into so few people, or why once-powerful yet now-irrelevant institutions continue to hold the positions in society they once did when the majority of people have moved on. 

Go back just 50 or 60 years and there weren’t many people questioning the fact that society believed a woman’s place was in the home while the man was the one ‘in charge’.

My point is that we’ve come a very long way since the days when these outdated ideas were acceptable and even fundamental to the way society operated, and so it’s only logical to think that things will keep on evolving (even if there are some people trying their hardest to take us all backwards). That means that the rules — both written and unwritten — will continue to change and evolve over time as our social values change and evolve, and that’s OK. Sure, change can be scary… but it’s better than clinging onto the past for grim death and refusing to ever grow, because that’s when bitterness creeps in (followed by a sudden desire to express your opinions about ‘the good old days’ on talkback radio, which is not a good look).

So that brings me to the next part of this discussion, which is… 

Why the way you look at rules matters

And it matters because if you just follow the so-called ‘rules’ without ever stopping to question them, you can very quickly find yourself in a little box and wondering why you feel trapped. Rules are made for a reason, but often those reasons are out of date or only relevant to particular scenarios… and so it’s necessary to know the difference between a hard-and-fast rule versus a guideline or suggestion; I think the majority of rules in life are more about providing guidance and common sense than they are a fixed and unchanging set of directives you must follow at all costs.

There need to be at least some basic rules, because freedom without structure or common sense is just anarchy… and we also have to factor in that, unfortunately, common sense just isn’t that common. In a society where the message for decades has been “me! me! me!” it’s hardly a surprise that a lot of people are self-absorbed and are only worried about their own interests instead of balancing personal needs with collective social needs. I mean, I need convenience and freedom, but not at the expense of the planet we all live on!

But while I definitely believe in the role that rules play to keep us safe and create more harmony in society, I think there are a lot of rules at an individual level that we should be actively questioning, if not breaking; things like why we tolerate the poor behaviour of our elected officials and why we celebrate people on social media whose only talent is being toxic.

I mean, look, I certainly don’t think you should break all the rules just for the sake of it — we’d end up with total anarchy and destruction, and things are messy enough in the world! — but I do firmly believe that we should stop just following along like sheep, without ever questioning why things are the way they are, and instead I think we should be challenging old assumptions and ideas based on whether or not they come from a core foundation of fairness, equality and kindness. Just because something was printed in a book decades or centuries ago, that doesn’t mean it’s accurate and it doesn’t mean it’s relevant to our society today.

The thing is that we have to apply some common sense to the idea of rules. I mean, I hate to be blunt (that’s a lie, I love to be blunt!) but basically every single rule that governs society was created by a bunch of people from long ago who are well and truly dead and buried, and yet we still allow them to guide us in many ways. One that immediately springs to mind for me is the use of the term ‘mankind’ when some people are trying to describe humanity; it’s a term that blatantly ignores the fact that roughly half of the population are actually womankind rather than mankind (and then there’s a further conversation about gender and identity beyond that). Instead of questioning whether or not it’s really appropriate to be referring to humans using an outdated term that serves to reinforce the old male-dominant ways of the world (it’s not, by the way), we still have some people who either don’t think about it or who do think about it and decide that it’s OK to be discriminatory, just because they balk at the idea of any kind of change. Is it just me? Am I the only one who can’t get my head around why there’s so much resistance in the world towards just making sure that every single human being is treated fairly and equally?

I feel like the simplest and most logical way to look at rules is with a common sense approach where you consider whether the rule — formal or informal, written or unwritten — is justified or unjustified. I once worked at a place where men had to wear ties no matter what (and I personally happen to hate wearing a tie, because it feels like being strangled all day long); at the next place I worked at we only had to wear them if we were meeting clients… to me that made perfect sense and was completely justified in the context of the job I was doing. It’s a basic example but it’s one that shows where a little bit of common sense can be incorporated instead of just following the rules without question because ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’.

When it comes to rules, it’s about approaching them with an open mind and a willingness to think critically; critical thinking really is a skill that’s in desperate need now more than ever, especially given how often we’re bombarded with fake content and opinions dressed up as fact. By applying practical judgment and reasoning, we can interpret and apply rules in a way that is thoughtful and that also takes into consideration the specific circumstances and the intended purpose of the rule. And, by considering the potential consequences of our actions, we can then make choices that are responsible and fair. Instead of just going along with things without question, let’s choose to embrace the power of common sense and take the opportunity to reevaluate and modify rules when they are no longer serving us well.

So how do you do that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of the episode and let’s talk about…

How to take a balanced approach to rules for the sake of your mental health

And the key word here is ‘balance’ and that’s where I’m going to start, by suggesting that you identify the balance between rules and common sense — because some things really should just be a given. For example, when you think about work, it may not be a specific rule that your job involves meeting not just your own needs but also the needs of your employer and your customers… but it should be common sense! Unless you’re a politician, because quite a few of them seem to think that they’re elected to do whatever the hell they want rather than fairly and professionally representing the needs of the people who voted them into office, but that’s a conversation for another day. My piece here is that we all need to think a little more about the foundations of what we do or don’t do; I’ve said many times in this podcast that my foundation is the “do no harm, be kind and give more than you take” approach to life, but are they rules? Not really; for me they’re more guidelines and a framework for common sense. My main rule in life is ‘don’t be a dick’ and that serves me fairly well; it can be hard to uphold that when someone else is being a dick to you, because if you’re anything like me the temptation may be to give back as good as you get (and sometimes I do), but mostly I find that having ‘don’t be a dick’ as my general rule just reminds me to focus on being decent and to hell with what everyone else does… and that’s a fairly balanced way of looking at things (well, I think so anyway!). 

OK, so I keep on talking about ‘taking a common sense approach to rules’ so now I’m going to go through some more specific steps on how to do that, starting with:

Understand the purpose of the rule — and this is about trying to understand why the rule was put in place and what it’s intended to achieve, because that can help you to see the bigger picture and make more informed decisions about whether or not to follow the rule. Next… 

Consider the context — and by this I mean to take into account the specific circumstances in which the rule is being applied; for example, the type of rules we need to follow at work or at school may be very different to those at home… when you’re working it’s probably not going to be acceptable to spend time on your phone doing whatever you want when the whole point of being at work is to deliver a specific set of outcomes and get paid in return for your effort. Rules might need to be applied differently in different situations, and so having a common sense approach involves being flexible and adaptable. Alright, next… 

Think about the potential consequences — because all actions have consequences, one way or the other, so consider the potential consequences of following or breaking a particular rule and by ‘consequences’ I’m referring to the possible result your actions might have on yourself and on others. For example, I’ve shared in the past that my partner teaches high school (no idea how!) and it’s common for teenagers to spray those aerosol body sprays even though there’s a specific rule not to; the consequence of doing so, aside from the kid doing the spraying smelling like cheap body spray all day, is that other students with respiratory issues like asthma could have a reaction… so there’s a clear consequence and that’s why the rule is there in the first place. Having a common sense approach to rules involves weighing the pros and cons of different options and then making decisions based on what’s most reasonable and appropriate in the given situation. OK, next…

Follow the rule unless there’s a good reason not to — so while it’s important to be open to reevaluating and modifying rules, and I’ll discuss that shortly, it’s also important to recognise the value of rules in maintaining order and stability. Without rules we descend into chaos and anarchy, so they serve an important purpose, but sometimes you may have a good reason not to (like crossing the double lines when driving to avoid a safety issue like a giant pothole). OK, next… 

Seek clarity when necessary — if you’re unsure about how to interpret or apply a rule, it can be helpful to seek clarification from someone who has more knowledge or experience with the rule. Part of that could involve trying to understand the intention behind the rule so you can approach it in a balanced way. Next… 

Communicate openly and honestly — if you have concerns or questions about a rule, it’s important to communicate them openly and honestly. This can help to ensure that the rule is being applied fairly and in a way that’s consistent with its intended purpose, and it helps us to reevaluate and modify rules when they’re no longer relevant or effective. OK, next… 

Respect the rules of others — and this may sound like it contradicts the last point, and maybe it does a little, but hear me out; in situations where you’re subject to the rules of others, it’s important to show respect for those rules, even if you do not agree with them. This can help to maintain harmony and avoid conflicts. The example that springs to mind is travel: when you go to another country you’re subject to their laws, whether you or agree with them or not, and frankly since it’s not your country it’s not really your place to enforce your ideas of what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ because no country has everything sorted out perfectly… so showing respect is essential. OK, next…

Call out unfair or unjust rules —  because if it weren’t for those brave people who spoke out against injustice in the past, we wouldn’t be where we are today in terms of our basic human rights. I strongly encourage you to remember that sometimes, unfortunately, rules can often be used to keep people trapped by others in positions of power; for example, in families there might be a rule about not discussing family issues with outside people… however I think we all know that this is often used in unhealthy and dysfunctional situations to maintain things as they are, which can cause all types of long-term trauma and suffering. If something needs to be called out or addressed then do so; the truth isn’t always easy, but it is always necessary. 

OK, so now I want to go a little bit more niche and talk about rules in environments like the workplace (although you’ll definitely find these relevant for your home or school as well, depending on your circumstances).

First, foster a culture of respect for rules — and that means being mature about the need for rules in order to keep things running smoothly, as well as choosing to follow the rules to set an example for your peers. If you’re in a leadership position, you can help to foster a culture of respect for rules by setting a positive example and encouraging others to follow the rules, and also making sure that the rules are applied fairly and consistently to everyone. Next…

Be open to feedback and suggestions — because, just like with my earlier point about communication, being open to feedback (and actually doing something with it) can help to ensure that the rules are fair, effective, and relevant to the needs of the people who are subject to them. Next… 

Challenge rules if and when necessary — in my last job before I started working for myself, I was working as a manager and there was a standard rule across the entire company, nationwide, that everybody had to be in the office to dial in to a daily meeting with their Area Manager at 8:30 am. One of my team members had some issues with this because her daughter’s school wouldn’t allow drop off until 8:30, which meant she was constantly late by four or five minutes. I made a decision to change my team’s meeting to 8:35 am… well, when I tell you the crap hit the fan I’m not even scratching the surface of what a kerfuffle my choice caused. When I asked why it was pointed out to me that I was challenging the way that things had always been done. And do you know what? Good. Just because things have always been done one specific way that doesn’t mean they cannot or should not change. I had so many people from other areas reach out to me and tell me how grateful they were that someone was willing to listen, because apparently this school drop-off thing is actually quite common but people had been too scared to say anything. Sometimes we just need to challenge the rules (even if there are always going to be people who won’t like being challenged). At another job I worked at, years earlier, I was part of the leadership team in a contact centre and I was constantly pushing to implement casual Fridays but our General Manager was dead against it because he didn’t like it; I kept on pushing and pushing, showing research and evidence to support my assertion that it actually improves productivity overall, but he wouldn’t budge. I stuck with it for nearly two years until he finally left, at which point I made sure it was one of the first things I did with the new boss and we got the change across the line. Like I said earlier, don’t just challenge things for the sake of it, but if you truly believe in something then it’s up to you to make a difference (no matter how long it takes!). And then my next tip is…

Explain why — and this is a bit of advice that applies across the board in life and it’s that people tend to respond to things much better if you just explain why it needs to be a certain way; even if someone doesn’t agree with it wholeheartedly, knowing the ‘why’ can cut through all manner of resistance and help them to see the reason for doing or not doing things a certain way.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to rules and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Rules help to guide us and they help us to understand what is acceptable and what is not… but just because a rule exists that doesn’t mean that it’s right or fair, and things that were once relevant might not be relevant today. For each of us it’s up to us to think about things from a place of common sense but also from a place of kindness and choosing to do no harm, because when we approach the world with a foundation of fairness we can be a lot smarter about how we navigate all of the complex rules that we’re faced with every day. 

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of [the] wise…”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about disagreements. We’re never going to see eye to eye all the time, and arguments are inevitable from time to time, but how do you approach this type of conflict in a healthy way so you don’t damage the relationship and so you look after your mental health? Well, next time I’ll be talking about what disagreements are, why approaching them thoughtfully matters, and how to manage disagreements in a healthy way.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 5th of February, 2023. 

You can find many more practical tips to help you improve your mental health in my new book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! and in my recent book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One) which are both available from Amazon and Apple Books, and visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au to sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts for a weekly dose of inspiration.

Support me on Patreon for exclusive extra benefits, including early access to episodes and a weekly worksheet, and follow my podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health — and those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.