Let’s Talk About… Surrender

By Jeremy Godwin

Do you ever find yourself wondering how to let go of control and surrender? How to stop trying to control everything and just make your peace with the stuff you can’t control? Just, in general, how to surrender? 

Well, that’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast focused on helping you to improve your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 19 March, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 171, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about surrender and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what surrender is (and what it isn’t), why surrender matters, and how to surrender in a more thoughtful and considered way. So, let’s talk about surrender!

Introduction

When I first started researching and writing this topic, it dawned on me that this episode is basically a bit of a greatest hits one for me. Why? Because it’s very much about how acceptance and letting go really can help you to find greater peace of mind, and that’s a message I seem to share in most — if not all — of my podcasts. 

It’s like Idina Menzel sang in her version of Let It Go: [takes deep breath as if about to sing] “Le…” No, I’m not going to do that to you… could you imagine?! The horror! I haven’t been able to hit a proper note since puberty kicked in, so as much as I might enjoy singing at the top of my lungs in my car when nobody else is around, I’ve made my peace with my tone-deaf monstrosity of a singing voice over the years and now I’m just content to insert random spoken song quotes into my podcast every now and then. 

But I digress… so, in Let It Go, Idina Menzel sang, “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small, And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all…”. My purpose behind sharing that quote is that so many of our struggles and challenges are made worse by our fears as well as our belief that everything that is happening at the point in time has a much greater significance and importance than what it probably does; the majority of things you’re going to experience today won’t matter in five days, let alone five years, and a big part of truly understanding that is being able to learn the value of surrendering.

So let’s go through some definitions and let’s talk about…

What is surrender?

And its most basic definition comes courtesy of the Oxford Dictionary, and it is: “[to] stop resisting to an enemy or opponent” and “the action of surrendering to an opponent or powerful influence.” And I’m going to add to that with my own definition which is that ‘surrender’ is simply about making your peace with what you cannot change or control.

So I want to pick up on that bit about resisting a powerful influence, because resisting a powerful influence is one of the most common things we human beings do on a daily basis and it can contribute to a lot of our suffering… and the influence I’m talking about is all the stuff that is out of your direct control, which is basically everything in the entire world with the exception of what you choose to do and say. 

While you can absolutely influence other people and events, there’s a limit to that influence which is basically that the more removed the relationship or situation is from your day-to-day life the less influence you have over it, and it could be a situation, event, or someone else’s behaviour that you can’t influence. And so, whether we like it or not, what that means is that on a daily basis there will inevitably be a whole bunch of stuff that happens around you, or even directly to you, over which you have absolutely zero control. Zero, nada, zilch, nothing. 

For example, I recently had to take my car to be checked out because the air conditioning has packed it in for the second time in less than four months. It’s over an hour and a half to drive each way to where the dealer is, and since that’s my nearest authorised service centre I don’t really have a whole lot of choice if I need to get something serious looked at. To make things more challenging, the day I took my car to be checked out just happened to coincide with when major roadworks were being done on the highway and there was no option for a detour to bypass them, and that meant that when I was heading in both directions I found myself stuck for more than 10 minutes while I waited to be let through. Was I frustrated? Yes. Absolutely. I swore and cursed a lot, especially because I had just missed the green light to get through and it meant a long wait with no air conditioning in very hot weather. But do you know what? I had absolutely zero control over the situation. Zero. So I could either use up a whole bunch of energy getting cranky and make it a miserable experience, or I could choose to surrender to the situation and make the most of it. Which is what I did. I enjoyed the scenery, I caught up on some emails on my phone (don’t tell the cops about that one), and I just generally let myself live in the moment instead of resisting the reality of the situation.

And that leads me to what surrender isn’t, and it isn’t giving in (and I say that mainly because I don’t give in!). While I think there’s this general perception that we have to fight, fight, fight all the time to make sure that we get our own way, I’m much more of a fan of the ‘pick your battles’ school of thought and I’ll tell you why; if you use all or most of your energy in fight mode, and if many of the things you’re fighting happen to be things that you can never change, then all you’re doing is (a) wearing yourself out and (b) taking your focus away from the things you can change, which is where your energy should be going.

Which leads to the next part of this topic…

Why surrender matters

And it matters because when something is out of your control, it means you don’t have the power to change it… and no amount of jumping up and down, or stressing yourself out, will make a difference because it is what it is. You either accept it, and move forward, or your resist it, and stay stuck.

We all encounter things we wish we could change but can’t, like someone we care about making choices we don’t agree with or having rain on your wedding day (and yes, I am quoting Alanis Morissette’s classic 90’s tale of misfortune, Ironic); one of the hardest facts to accept about life is that so much of it is out of our control.

Realising that something is out of your control can be tough because of course we naturally want to feel like we have some say in what happens to us. But understanding that there are some things we can’t control can actually be incredibly freeing. It can help us to let go of unnecessary stress and worry and focus on what we can do to make the best of any given situation.

Surrender plays a huge role in your peace of mind because it helps you to let go of control and accept what is happening in your life. When you try to control everything, you can often find yourself feeling stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. Surrendering allows you to let go of that stress and anxiety and it helps you to begin finding acceptance and inner peace.

Surrendering can also help you to find solutions to problems that you might never have considered if you were busy being focused on trying to control everything. By accepting that you cannot control everything, you open yourself up to new possibilities and ideas.

Surrendering can also be a form of self-care. When you surrender, you give yourself permission to rest, to take a break, and to recharge… and that can be especially important if you’re going through a difficult time or experiencing a lot of stress.

And further to that, surrendering can be great for your spiritual wellbeing because it can help you to develop a greater sense of trust in yourself and the wider world, and if you practice any kind of spiritual belief system it can help to align you with its teachings or, just generally speaking, it can help you to let go and trust in the Universe more. 

When you surrender, you’re acknowledging that there is a greater force at work in our lives and that you’re part of something much bigger than just yourself, and it helps you to remember that things will work out in their own way and time. That can help you to feel more at peace with your life and much more confident in your ability to handle whatever comes your way.

And probably the most important thing to remember is that even if you can’t change a situation, you can still choose how you react to it… and it’s the choice you make that determines what happens next. 

You may not be able to control exactly what happens in the future (although wouldn’t that be helpful if you could?!) but you can most certainly influence how the future turns out (for you, at least) through the choices you make today; in other words, by choosing to take steps to prepare for the future and also managing your thoughts, emotions, and actions in the present. Why? Because what you do today creates your tomorrow… so when something feels out of your control your focus should first be on managing your emotional reaction to it, so that it doesn’t hijack your focus or distract you from what really matters, and then it’s about consciously turning your attention towards acceptance, followed by actively focusing on what you can do to move forward in a positive way.

So, how do you do all of that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to surrender in a more thoughtful and considered way

And since I was just talking about managing your reactions, I’m going to start with think before you act — and that’s a big one, because often we have this kind-of huge emotional reaction to something that happens or doesn’t happen, and the next thing you know the whole thing blows up and becomes bigger and bigger. When you consciously make yourself stop, breathe for 10 seconds, and then consider whatever is going on, you’re allowing time for your logical brain to catch up with your emotional brain… and the logical brain tends to make smarter decisions simply by virtue of the fact that it’s not running on pure emotion. Look, emotions are important because they tell us how we feel about things… but when we let our emotions run our lives we usually end up making a big old mess. You’ll hear me talk very often in this show about the benefits of seeking to find balance in all things (and I covered finding balance back in Episode 49), and thinking before you act is one way to do that. Continuing on with that theme, my next point is…

Focus on what is within your direct control — because if you can’t control it then you can’t control it, and what are you going to do… torment yourself? Jump up and down until you’re blue in the face? Shake your fist at the sky? None of that will make a difference. The act of surrender isn’t about giving up; it’s about being mature enough to recognise when something is out of your control and accepting that fact, rather than resisting it. That can be tough, especially if you feel like you’re dealing with a loss of control (which was the subject of Episode 158, by the way), so it’s important that you show yourself kindness and compassion while you work through the uncomfortable business of resisting resistance. And, funnily enough, that leads to my next point… 

Understand the cost of resistance — because resistance will torment you if you let it, and it will partner with other toxic feelings like resentment and jealousy and rage, and eventually you’ll find yourself so angry at everyone and everything that it’s almost impossible to see the positives in life… and that’s no way to live. Look, I get it… the world can be a tough place to live in. It’s filled with a bunch of selfish people doing terrible things to one another, and it’s easy to let all of that make it feel like it’s every person out for themselves… but it’s not. I’m an optimist but I’m also a realist (something I covered in Episode 47 about optimism), and I can say hand-on-heart that any time I have chosen to surrender and actively focus on the positives, things have turned out for the best; sure, they may not have turned out the way I wanted them to at the time, but they definitely turned out for the best. Resistance and acceptance are choices we make, and it’s our choices that determine what happens next. OK, so my next point is…  

Take action on what you can control — and this is a continuation of my earlier point, in the sense that when you focus on what you can control, you can then take positive steps forward… whereas if you focus on what you can’t control, or if you don’t take any action at all, then you’ll be stuck. And I don’t know about you, but ‘stuck’ is not a place I want to be in. Make a plan and then take action on what you can do to improve the situation or relationship. OK, next… 

Pick your battles — because a big part of surrendering is about practicing acceptance and knowing that you can’t win them all, nor do you have the time or the energy to fight all the battles, so you need to make smart choices about where your attention goes. For me, I focus on the things that are on my priority list as well as the causes that I feel passionate about and want to influence. If it matters then I make it matter, and if it doesn’t matter then it doesn’t matter. And speaking of that, my next tip is… 

Know the difference between ‘surrender’ and ‘giving up’ — because ‘giving up’ means just never trying to do anything to change or influence a situation, whereas ‘surrender’ means that you accept the reality of the situation as it currently is while also choosing to do what you can to change it or influence it in the future. Let’s use climate change as an example: you can either just give up, thinking that your actions don’t make a difference (which isn’t true, by the way… we can all make a difference!), or you can choose to focus on what you can directly control as well as what you can influence; you can control the choices you make, like lowering your energy usage, cutting out fast fashion purchases and recycling more, and you can also influence by making your voice heard to governments and private enterprise, or even by working with a lobby group. I like to think of it this way: ‘surrender’ isn’t about giving up; ‘surrender’ simply allows me to channel my energy and attention where it needs to go to do something constructive, rather than getting distracted by frustration and resistance. OK, next… 

Actively practice acceptance — because acceptance is about acknowledging the reality of a situation without judgment or resistance, and practicing it is a choice you can consciously make. When you accept what’s happening in your life, you can let go of the need to control it and instead turn your attention to what you can do to move forward. I talked about acceptance and how to do that back in Episode 36. OK, my next tip is… 

Focus on being present — because a lot of our worries, concerns and frustrations happen as a result of being focused on the past or being anxious about the future; however, you live here, in the present, and the here and now is the only place where you have any kind of hope of changing or influencing a situation through the choices that you make to control whatever you can directly control, and let go of the rest. Remember: the past has already happened, so no amount of going over it will change the specifics of what did or didn’t happen… and the future is both unwritten and unknowable, so no amount of worrying about it is going to change whatever will or will not happen tomorrow. It is only here in the present moment that we truly live, and this is the only place where change can be made. Choosing to be present is a conscious choice you make to turn your focus to this moment so that you can let go of distractions, and I talked about how to be more present in Episode 83. OK, next… 

Write it out to get it out — because sometimes the frustration and resistance you feel is more about the fact that those feelings need to be channeled somewhere; if you keep them bottled up then all they do is bounce around in your head like a game of ping-pong on steroids. Writing out your thoughts and feelings is a great way to release that energy, and to express your feelings about a situation. My general advice is to grab pen and paper (because it’s a much more tactile experience than just tapping away on your phone, plus it’s a way of physically channeling the energy) and then just write and write and write until you run out of steam; don’t worry about what you’re writing or whether it’s readable… in fact whenever I suggest this technique to one of my clients I generally recommend never going back and reading it (so you may even want to destroy it after you’ve finished) because the purpose here is just to get those thoughts out of your head so they’re not taking up valuable real estate that could be better used to focus on solutions. And (surprise, surprise!) that leads to my next point which is…

Look for solutions instead of problems — because what you seek is what you find, so when all or most of your attention is turned to the problem then you’ll generally find that what you’ll see are more and more problems… but when you actively look for solutions, your mind becomes primed for solution-based thinking. See the obstacle or see the opportunity; the choice is always yours. OK, next… 

Use affirmations — and I haven’t really talked too much about affirmations in my podcast (which are just positive statements that you repeat to yourself to help you focus on a specific belief or behaviour in order to reinforce it), and it’s funny that I haven’t because I actually use them myself; part of my morning routine is to run through 50 affirmations focused on grounding and security, which is something that was suggested to me a while ago and it’s helped me enormously. Not sure why I haven’t really brought them up here — I mean, I’m aware some people find them all a bit ‘woo woo’ but that’s never stopped me from suggesting something before! — so now feels like the perfect time to encourage you to consider how positive affirmations could possibly be helpful.Using affirmations can help you to let go of negative thoughts and beliefs and replace them with positive ones. For example, you could repeat the affirmation, “I am letting go of what no longer serves me” to yourself whenever you feel stuck. A word of warning: I felt like a bit of an idiot when I first started doing these, and it took a good few weeks to find my rhythm and become comfortable with it, so be patient and give yourself time (and push through any discomfort or feelings of silliness you may have, because it’s well worth it once you get used to talking to yourself in a positive way like this each day!). OK, next… 

Practice self-compassion — because it’s important to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself when you’re struggling to let go of something. It’s okay to feel the way you do, and really the fact that you’re even questioning why you might be struggling to let go is actually a healthy thing because it means you’re self-aware and you’re focused on doing and being better. Plus the fact is that you’re not alone; everyone struggles to let go of something, so show yourself grace and kindness by giving yourself time to process your feelings in order to work through how to move forward (and I recently talked about self-compassion in Episode 153). OK, next… 

Let go of expectations — because quite often we have these really specific expectations about how things should be or how people should behave which can then make it a lot harder to surrender and let go of negative emotions. The fact is that you can’t control another person and we each have our own way of doing things; you can either fight that fact or you can let go and focus on what you can control, which is yourself (and, more specifically, what you choose to do and say). Letting go of expectations can help you to accept the reality of what is and to move forward in a positive way. Next… 

Practice forgiveness — and let me just say that ‘forgiveness’ is not about condoning someone else’s behaviour or forgetting what happened; far from it. It’s about choosing to release all of the anger, resentment, and hurt that is holding you back and keeping you stuck. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, to free yourself from all of that torment, and choosing to forgive others (and forgive yourself) can be an extremely powerful way to let go and move forward. OK, next…

Get support — because a problem shared is a problem halved (which is one of my favourite old-time sayings); sometimes you just need to talk to someone who you can trust and who isn’t going to judge you. That could be a friend, a family member or a colleague, or it could be a professional like a counsellor or therapist. Talking to someone you trust and feel comfortable with can help you to gain a completely different perspective on the situation and it can help you let go of whatever is holding you back or keeping you stuck.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to surrender and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: We can spend so much time and energy engaged in battles against the things that frustrate us or annoy us or make us angry… but the cold hard fact is that most of the stuff we get mad about is completely out of our control. When you choose to accept that fact, and when you choose to surrender to the reality of ‘what is’ rather than trying to control things that you can never hope to control, you can begin to let go of resistance and, instead, start embracing greater peace of mind.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Whatever comes, let it come.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about feeling stuck. There are times in our lives where we might feel like we’re just not making any progress, or where we feel like we’re in a hopeless situation that we can’t escape from… but there is always a way out, and a big part of it involves being able to work through those feelings of being stuck so that you can begin to see your options in order to begin making progress. So, that’s what I’m talking about next time! I’ll be talking about what feeling stuck is (and what it isn’t), why confronting those feelings matters, and how to get yourself unstuck.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 26th of March, 2023. 

You can find more practical tips to improve your mental health in my latest book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! which is available from Amazon and Apple Books, and sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au for a weekly dose of inspiration. Plus, join me on Patreon for exclusive extra content and benefits, including early access to episodes; you’ll find all of those linked in the episode description.

And follow me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.