Let’s Talk About… Giving

By Jeremy Godwin

What is giving? How does giving improve your mental health? And how can you give in a balanced way?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast focused on helping you to improve your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 5 March, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 169, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about giving and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I help you improve your mental health, with  simple tips based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what giving is (and what it isn’t), why giving matters, and how to give in a healthy and balanced way. So, let’s talk about giving!

Introduction

In early 1997, five plucky young singers from the United Kingdom took to the stage at the BRIT Awards and declared, “Giving is good, as long as you’re getting”… and if the Internet had have been bigger at the time, I’m sure it would have been broken (back then, the Internet was so slow that you’d spend an entire hour trying to download a single photo). 

That group, collectively known as the Spice Girls (who you may have heard of!), completely set the world alight for about two years before they imploded, and that song was Who Do You Think You Are, which was actually the first Spice Girls song I fell in love with; prior to that I was a bit ‘meh’ about them, which is surprising in hindsight because I’m still utterly obsessed with them to this day and I have paid stupid amounts of money to fly to the other side of the world so that they could point at me and tell me that friendship never ends.

I tend to take a lot of my life philosophy from the music of the Spice Girls (you probably think I’m joking but it turns out I’m not, which I didn’t realise until I wrote this bit!), and (interesting!) they’ve told me to do some very important things over the years: spice up my life, never give up on the good times, swing it shake it move it make it… you know, solid advice we can all live by.

Anyway, this rambling introduction is actually a little gift from me to you — hopefully it’s one that has made you laugh, or at least smile a little — and that’s a big part of what I try to do here in my podcast; my thought is always, “How can I balance the more serious and challenging parts of these difficult topics with a little bit of light comic relief so you can hopefully feel a little less stressed than you might be if I just talked about doom and gloom?” 

And that — being thoughtful and considered — is just one way of giving more than you take; which is something I talk about in nearly every episode (along with doing no harm and being kind), because I see those three things as being essential foundations of good mental health in terms of how you treat others and how you treat yourself.

And the other reason why I’m talking about the Spice Girls for ages today is that the line ‘giving is good, as long as you’re getting’ is very much about the spirit of healthy giving, in terms of ensuring that it’s grounded in self-respect, fairness and equity, and those are going to be themes I explore quite a lot in this episode.

I’ve been covering some tough and challenging topics over the past few weeks, so frankly it’s a bit of a relief to be talking about something more positive this episode!

So, what does all this ‘giving’ stuff actually mean? What’s the whole story behind ‘giving more than you take’? And will I manage to cram in more Spice Girls lyrics before this episode is over? Only time will tell! In the meantime, let’s go through some definitions and let’s talk about…

What is giving?

Generally speaking, ‘to give’ is a bit dull in the sense that it means to “freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone)” and to “provide (love or other emotional support) to [someone]” (and those definitions come from the Oxford Dictionary. Those are some of the definitions of the verb ‘give’, and while I don’t want to get into a boring lesson on the English language, there’s also a definition for the adjective form (which is a word that describes an attribute of something or someone); to say that someone is ‘giving’ means that they provide love or other emotional support, and are caring. 

So, with that language lesson over (I promise!), the point I want to make here is that ‘giving’ doesn’t have to cost anything and you don’t need to physically give something away in order to give. By choosing to be kind, supportive and nurturing towards others, you are giving.

So then what does ‘give more than you take’ mean? Well, it’s a great question and since it’s a phrase I use in most of my episodes it’s fairly important that we’re all on the same page with what it means and what it doesn’t! In short, ‘give more than you take’ simply means to give without expectation of anything in return. 

And at this point, you may be thinking, “But you just said that the Spice Girls told us ‘giving is good, as long as you’re getting’!” and you’d be right… but the point here is that healthy giving involves also ensuring that you are giving to yourself by looking after your own needs and wants, and making sure that you’re being treated with dignity and respect by others. What it doesn’t mean is that you should just give, give, give all the time, and especially not to the point where you’re constantly drained and emotionally exhausted; the people in your life need to treat you with respect and that means recognising the need for everyone to give and take. See what I mean? 

Let’s be honest here and say that there are always some people who will take, take, take; the goal for each of you is to identify those people, set and maintain very clear limits and boundaries with them, and then, if that doesn’t work, to limit their access to you or even remove them from your life entirely (in other words, don’t allow yourself to be a source of nourishment for the needs of people who are happy to take without giving in return!).

You owe it to yourself to not just give more than you take from others, but also to give more than you take from yourself. But what does that actually mean? Well, it means making your needs a priority and giving yourself permission to create space for meeting your own needs. It means treating yourself with kindness and respect. And it means living in the moment while also making smart choices that set your future self up for success.

And so that leads me into the next part of this episode, which is… 

Why giving matters

And it matters because not only does it help you to build stronger relationships with others (and with yourself!) but it also has a number of positive effects on your wellbeing. So, let’s talk about those first, and I’ll come back to relationships shortly.

Giving can have a positive impact on your mental health and wellbeing in several ways. It can increase your sense of purpose and meaning in life, because when you know that you’re making a difference in someone else’s life it can help you feel like you’re making a valuable contribution to the world (I mean, every time I receive feedback from a listener about how my podcast has helped them, it feels like the greatest reward I could ever receive, and it helps to fuel me to keep doing what I do!).

Giving can reduce stress and anxiety, because when you focus on the needs of others it can actually help you to see your own worries in a different light or it can help you to take your mind off your concerns for a little while (which can make for a nice break from negative thinking patterns!). 

Giving can also boost your mood and increase feelings of happiness and well-being, because when you engage in acts of kindness and generosity your brain releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine and endorphins. And that can help to create a positive feedback loop, where you feel good about giving, and that motivates you to do it more often.

Another benefit of giving is that it can improve your social connections and help you to build new relationships. When you give to others, they often feel grateful and appreciative and that can help make your existing relationships much stronger and also it can lead to new relationships forming.

And then another benefit is that giving makes you feel good about yourself, and that can help to boost your self-confidence (which I covered in Episode 166) and improve your self-worth (which I talked about in Episode 78). 

So, beyond that, one thing I want to talk about as well is that giving doesn’t just benefit whoever you’re giving kindness, support and compassion to; as well as also benefitting you, it actually has a ripple effect which goes far beyond the individual interaction and it can affect many more people. Let me share a recent story to demonstrate what I mean.

The other morning I was in the supermarket, in the middle of one of those gigantic banks of do-it-yourself checkouts which always make me feel kind-of resentful (seriously, they should be paying us to do the work ourselves!), and as I went to walk out a woman from two checkouts over cut me off without looking and almost slammed into me. Now, I can tell you very honestly that if she’d have done that to me 10 years ago (hell, maybe even five years ago!), I probably would have told her off for not looking where she was going; anybody that knows me will agree that I’m hardly the most patient person in the world, and I used to be a lot worse. Anyway, when this happened she immediately apologised and so, instead of telling her off, I deliberately chose calm and peace of mind by offering her a genuine smile and saying, “That’s OK, have a great day!” She was completely taken aback (probably partially because I was nice and partially because I said to have a great day; we Australians don’t tend to speak to one another like that very often!) and she walked out of the store with a smile on her face.

The story doesn’t end there though. I went back to my car, got in and looked in the rear view mirror and who did I see in the car behind me? Yep, the woman! And with her was a teenage girl. The woman was smiling and chatting nicely to the child, who seemed about as happy as a teenager could be to be talking to an adult (you know, that mixture of ‘surly’ and ‘barely tolerant’ that teenagers do so well… even when they’re in a good mood!). 

That made me think: imagine if I had told her off, and then she went back to her car and was cranky with the girl? Then the girl would likely go to school and share that crankiness with other people, and it would become a ripple effect. 

So instead of choosing anger, I chose kindness and I chose to give even when, quite frankly, I didn’t really want to because I was nearly stepped on through no fault of my own. But by making a choice to put kindness above my own frustrations, I was choosing to give more than I took. 

And to finish up with that story, the bit I didn’t mention (which still makes me laugh) is that the teenager was wearing the uniform for the school my partner works at… so I probably also ended up not infecting the work day of him, and his colleagues with my crankiness as well! I thought it was a funny example of how the universe works in mysterious ways and also it made me stop and think about how each action, each decision we make, has a flow-on effect well beyond the individual interaction itself; you could almost go so far as to say that each choice we make has a life of its own, and so when you choose to be kind and understanding, you are doing your part to nudge this world towards a kinder and more gentle direction… and that’s what giving more than you take really means.

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of this episode and let’s talk about…

How to give in a healthy and balanced way

And I’m going to start with ask yourself daily ‘how can I be kinder and more giving?’ — which is very much about consciously approaching this idea of giving by being more self-aware. Honestly, I don’t think you need to go out of your way to be a superhero when it comes to giving (there aren’t any medals on offer!) and in a minute I’ll give you some simple ways you can give more every day, but my point here is that by consciously asking yourself this question you get to really think it through and be more considerate in the way you go about your day. OK, next…

Give without expectation — because if you give to get something in return, you probably won’t get it (or at least not the way you expect) and that can cause issues in your relationships… whereas if you give without expectation then you’ll usually find you wind up receiving more anyway, in some shape or form; I find that when I give, I receive so much back in return. Sometimes you just need to trust and let go (actually, scratch that — it’s not sometimes, it’s all the time!). And, speaking of that, my next tip is… 

Give even when times are tough — and I’d probably even go far as to say, ‘give especially when times are tough’ because that’s really when it’s needed the most. Think back to early 2020 when the world went mad; what we all needed the most was kindness and understanding, and aside from the toilet-paper-craziness it did feel very much like we were all in it together (I had more conversations at the supermarket with old people that year than I’ve had since!). Giving doesn’t have to cost anything, and especially now in early 2023 with the cost of living crisis dragging on around the world — with no end in sight — we need to give kindness to one another and just check in with the people we care about, plus be a little gentler with total strangers because everybody’s doing it tough at the moment. When times are tough, and you’re dealing with challenges, it can be easy to want to close ranks and just protect yourself… but that doesn’t work, and it makes things worse. Some of humanity’s most beautiful stories of courage and kindness come from times of great difficulty and tragedy. OK, so that leads me to my next point… 

Make time for the relationships that matter to you — because it’s so easy to get caught up in our day-to-day lives and forget to make time for the people we care about. Over the past few weeks my Aunt has been having some issues with her phone; we gave her an iPhone at the end of 2022 and it was working well, but now it’s decided to start playing up, so I’ve been spending many, many hours doing tech support over the phone for a 72-year-old who isn’t enormously comfortable with technology. And do you know what? It’s fine! Because sure, maybe 7pm after a long day at work isn’t when I want to be spending an hour navigating phone menus with her, but I’m grateful that I can be there to help her out and it’s important to me because I love her. If a relationship matters to you then make it matter; find time or make time on a regular basis to connect with the people you care about. OK, next… 

Make sure you’re not doing all the giving — and this is about being kind enough to yourself to recognise if someone is letting you do all the heavy lifting in a relationship without making any real effort to contribute, and I say that because those types of one-sided relationships are emotionally draining and really not healthy. Remember what the Spice Girls told us: “…all that I want from you, is a promise you will be there” (and you just knew I was going to quote them again, didn’t you?! You’re welcome!). OK, next… 

Be nicer to strangers — now I promise you I’m not going to go all cheesy and tell you that ‘a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet’ because, gross! But I will say that we do all have something in common and that is that we’re all just making it up as we go along; I promise you that every single person you see in the street or online has no idea what they’re doing, and we’re all just muddling our way through life. And do you know what that means? It means we’re all going to make mistakes sometimes. Everybody makes mistakes — I do, you do, that person you think is a saint does — and so showing one another, even total strangers, a lot more kindness and generosity of spirit just makes everything a lot less painful and frustrating. I’m one of those people that will stop to let someone pull out of a driveway when nobody else will, or I’ll let a person cross over in the carpark because frankly those extra three seconds of my day aren’t going to be the end of the world. Do I always get the same courtesy back in return from other people? No. But that just is what it is. There are two types of people in this world: those that demonstrate general manners, and those that act as though it’s every person for themselves. And the fact is that you can’t change that type of selfish mindset by fighting fire with fire. So, basically the point of this rant is to be consciously nicer to strangers and you’ll find yourself feeling more and more positive. OK, next… 

Consider what you need now and in the future — because I said earlier that ‘give more than you take’ refers to giving to others and giving to yourself, and really the entire point here is that if you sacrifice your needs then you’re going to end up making things challenging for yourself… however if you prioritise your needs over everyone and everything else, you’re probably going to wind up making a lot of people angry! Instead, take a balanced approach which means weighing up your needs and the needs of others (especially those you care about) and make sure that you’re incorporating what you need today alongside choices that are setting you up for success tomorrow (and I talked about how to do that in Episode 100 about the future). One way to do that is with my next point, which is… 

Make time for yourself — because if you don’t, nobody will do it for you! Look, I spend a lot of my time giving; I give a lot to my work here on this podcast — from researching to writing to then the actual creation, not to mention talking with many of you wonderful people over on Instagram — and then I do one-on-one client work, as a coach and counsellor, which requires me to give a lot of emotional energy. So I often find myself emotionally drained by the time the end of the week comes around, and I have to work really hard to look after myself and I do that by giving myself permission to take at least one entire day per week just for myself, where I do absolutely nothing other than read and watch random stuff on YouTube. My point is that you have to be conscious about looking after yourself and remember that you cannot fill from an empty cup, so it’s not just OK to take plenty of time to recharge your batteries… it’s absolutely necessary! The point here is, again, to be balanced and not to give more than you reasonably can. When it comes to giving, balance is everything! 

OK, so now I’m going to share a few quick tips covering practical and simple ways you can give more than you take, starting with: 

• Check in with friends and family regularly — you’re not solely responsible for these relationships, and you don’t want it to always be one-sided, but on the other hand it’s also up to you to be proactive about keeping in touch… so make time to check on those you care about. Next… 
• Check in with your neighbours — even if that’s just a wave to say ‘hi!’ every now and then, or running your lawnmower over their median strip while you’re doing yours; you don’t have to be friends with your neighbours (or even friendly with them) but you share space so a little simple courtesy goes a long way. Next…
• Volunteer — and that could mean getting involved in groups or causes or just looking for opportunities to share your time; for example, if you have kids then you could see if their school or daycare centre needs people to come and read stories. The same goes for aged care centres; the home where my mother lives has people come in often and put on concerts or art classes, and the residents love it! You could also choose to contribute to a worthy cause on a regular basis, either in terms of time or money (or both, if you can). Next…
• Random acts of kindness — like paying for the next person’s coffee or helping someone get their groceries to the car; again, it doesn’t have to cost anything and it can be as simple as showing good manners (like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’) and being courteous. You could make a point to check over your shoulder before walking away from a self-serve checkout, so you don’t bash into someone, or you could choose to let a car out of a driveway or let them merge in front of you. These are all simple things and they don’t have to cost you anything other than a few seconds of your time! Next…
• Be kind and friendly at work — that could be as simple as saying ‘hi!’ to people you work with, through to checking in with colleagues, new and old, and building a connection with them (or even just offering to be there for them if they need help with anything at work, like how to use the system or what that random acronym is that everyone keeps using!). Or you could do something else; at one place I worked at we set up a breakfast club and everyone donated a small amount towards communal breakfast supplies, and it was great because we ended up spending a lot more time connecting with one another. Once again, lots of options there and they don’t have to cost anything. Next… 
• Choose kindness on social media — and I think this one is fairly self-explanatory; choose to only share kindness in your posts and comments, and don’t engage with people who are mean and unkind (which might mean removing them from your feed or blocking their access). And if you see something you like then leave a positive comment; as someone who posts on Instagram daily, it’s greatly appreciate when someone leaves me a thoughtful comment!

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to giving and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: In a world that often seems full of self-absorbed and narcissistic people, the most outrageous and courageous thing you can do is give. When you give simply for the sake of giving, with no expectation of anything in return, you help to share a greater sense of generosity and shared humanity, no matter how small your act of giving might be. Imagine if we all did that? Imagine the flow-on effect that would have! And the delightful paradox with choosing to give without expectation is that you actually wind up receiving more than you could ever possibly hope for in return.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Anne Frank, and it is:

“No one ever became poor by giving.”

Anne Frank

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about individuality. Who are you, and what is it that makes you unique? And how can you harness what makes you unique in order to live a life that feels truly satisfying? Because it’s our uniqueness that actually defines us as human beings, and when we try to ‘fit in’ at the expense of our true identity as individuals, that’s when we can find our mental health declining. Learning how to embrace your individuality helps you to feel better about who you are and who you are not. So, that’s what I’ll be talking about next time! I’ll be talking about what individuality is (and what it is not), why individuality matters, and how to embrace your individuality for the sake of better mental health.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 12th of March, 2023. 

You can find more practical tips to improve your mental health in my latest book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! which is available from Amazon and Apple Books, and sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au for a weekly dose of inspiration. Plus, join me on Patreon for exclusive extra content and benefits, including early access to episodes; you’ll find all of those linked in the episode description.

And follow me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.