Let’s Talk About… Parents

By Jeremy Godwin

How can you develop a better relationship with your parents? How can you deal with difficult or controlling parents in a healthy way? And how do you manage your relationship with your parents as they (and you) grow older? That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 13 November, 2022.

Hello and welcome to Episode 155, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about parents and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share simple ideas for better mental health. 

I spent most of the 2010’s dealing with severe anxiety and depression, after a breakdown in late 2011, which led me to want to learn more about my mental health… so I went back to school and studied psychology and sociology, and now I share simple mental health tips for how to improve your wellbeing, from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through mental health challenges. 

Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. In this episode I’ll be talking about what parent/child relationships are (and what they are not), why knowing the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship matters, and how to manage your relationship as an adult.

Let me just quickly say that although this episode is called ‘Let’s Talk About… Parents’ I am very aware that families come in many shapes and sizes, and not everyone has the traditional set of parental figures in their life; some of you may have been raised by a solo parent, or by grandparents or other family members or legal guardians, or other types of primary caregivers. The tips in this episode are relevant to all parental figures, regardless of their relationship to you, however I’m going to be using the term ‘parents’ as a catch-all today and I’m aware that some people may potentially find that triggering. If that’s the case for you then I suggest you either stop the episode or read the transcript instead (it’s linked in the episode description).

So, with all of that in mind, let’s talk about parents!

Introduction

I’m going to be straight-up with you and share two observations about this episode. First, as I’ve said in previous episodes, I have had a very difficult relationship with both of my parents throughout my life; my father passed in the late 90’s and we did not get along at all, mainly due to him rejecting me at a young age, and my mother is still with us but no longer in my life as I have had to prioritise my mental and emotional wellbeing rather than allowing her to have access to me. 

To be honest, I’ve always been a bit envious of people who have loving and supportive relationships with their parents, and I find events like Mothers Day and Fathers Day to be quite challenging (plus I can’t listen to anything even remotely related to wonderful parents; the only song by the Spice Girls I cannot listen to is Mama — I mean, part of that is probably also because it’s a bit too sickly-sweet for my taste, and that’s coming from a man who has binge-watched Hocus Pocus 2 five times already!). 

Anyway, I wanted to be upfront about that because it will be very difficult for my experiences not to inform the way I approach this episode… however I am determined to draw from the experiences of many friends and family members to make sure I’m delivering a balanced and positively-focused view of healthy relationships with parents and primary caregivers. But do be warned that I’ll be spending a chunk of time at the end focused on difficult parent relationships, so if your family life is happy-happy-joy-joy then some parts of this episode won’t be for you.

And that brings me to my second observation: this just may be the most ambitious episode I’ve ever created, because I’m going to be covering four main focus areas which are: healthier relationships with your parents, dealing with controlling parents, dealing with difficult (or even toxic) parents, and then dealing with ageing parents. It’s a lot to get through but I wanted to try and give a little something for everyone today, since there are so many different situations we may have to deal with when it comes to the people who raised us (and my apologies in advance if there’s something I missed that you were hoping to hear; feel free to get in touch with me on Instagram or leave a comment on the transcript on my website letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au and I’ll consider if I might be able to cover it in the future). 

So let’s first cover off on some definitions and let’s talk about…

What parent/child relationships are 

And basically what I’m talking about here is the relationship you have with the people who raised you, or your primary caregivers; that may be a parent or parents, or it may be a guardian. It doesn’t necessarily mean a biological parent; just because someone physically created you, that doesn’t really make them a ‘parent’ because parenting is about actually raising someone and having an active role in their upbringing. 

These are some of the most formative and important relationships you will ever have in your life, because they influence how you view the world and even how you feel about yourself. To quote the American Psychological Association:

“Parents and caregivers make sure children are healthy and safe, equip them with the skills and resources to succeed as adults, and transmit basic cultural values to them. Parents and caregivers offer their children love, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, and guidance. They provide the most intimate context for the nurturing and protection of children as they develop their personalities and identities and also as they mature physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially.”

And you’ll find that article in the transcript, which is linked in the episode description on whatever podcast service you’re listening to me on [find it here: https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/parents-caregivers].

I shared that definition because, whether we like it or not, our parents have played an enormous role in shaping the person we are today and how we view the world, regardless of whether or not they delivered that idealised definition of what a parent is or should be. 

And so that leads me to what parents and caregivers are not: they are not superhuman, and they are not perfect. Look, your parents are just people, and nobody is perfect. Nobody. That’s not an excuse for poor or toxic behaviour, but it does serve as a reminder to make sure your expectations are realistic.

We often attach all of our hopes and expectations onto the people who raised us, and so when they don’t deliver what we expect of them it’s easy for us to interpret that as evidence of the fact that we’re not good enough. 

But you are good enough, and someone else’s choices or their inability to be what you want them to be is not personal; that’s about them, not you. 

Not everyone is capable of living up to the standards we expect; and, beyond that, some people aren’t even capable of looking after their own emotional or even physical needs, let alone another human being’s needs. Having a child doesn’t make you an expert or unlock an entirely new level of knowledge and understanding; it just means you’re capable of reproducing. So instead of expecting or demanding perfection, you need to focus on healthy expectations. And that leads me to the next part of this episode, which is…

Why knowing the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship matters

And it matters because unhealthy relationships will have a massive impact on your mental health and wellbeing. What I mean by an unhealthy relationship is one which is negatively-focused, perhaps controlling or even very difficult (maybe even toxic), one where there are few or no boundaries, where kindness is less common than judgement or nitpicking, where there is far more take than give (either emotionally or physically, or both), and where there is an adversarial nature to the relationship (in other words, where it’s about fighting or competing far more than it’s about working together towards common goals).

Let me pick up on that ‘adversarial’ thing for a moment and note that for many teenagers it can be extremely common to fight with your parents or guardians on a regular basis (and really, who hasn’t told an adult they hate them during their teenage years?!). But what I’m talking about here goes beyond that natural adolescent instinct to push back against authority and test the limits as much as possible while trying to create a sense of identity for ourselves. For some of us, whether teenagers or adults, we might find our primary caregivers having a competitive attitude towards us, or they may be prone to maintaining their power and dominance in spite of the emotional cost to the other person. There are lots of different ways this type of attitude can show up, and I’d be here all day (and week) if I tried to list them all, but suffice it to say that there are many different shades of grey when it comes to relationships, and not all of them are healthy.

I’ve mentioned in previous episodes what a fan I am of @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram and the other week she posted, “adulthood is about taking responsibility for your life and giving yourself what a parent couldn’t,” and when I tell you I felt that… well, I definitely felt that! It took me a long time to recognise that I — and I alone — have the power to create the life I want for myself, in spite of my past; that doesn’t mean I just forget about it (and in fact I talk openly about what I dealt with), but it means I get to write my own story, and I don’t have to be controlled by the legacy of either of them.

So here’s what I define a healthy relationship as, and I’m going to quote myself from Episode 38 (about relationships), where I said: 

“A healthy relationship is one where all parties demonstrate mutual respect, communicate, support one another, are fair, are honest, trust each other, treat one another as equals, enjoy one another’s company, and where each person has their own identity.” 

OK, so although that episode I just quoted from was about romantic or intimate relationships, the definition is the same when we apply it to family, friends, co-workers… just about anyone who has access to us in some shape or form. Only you can decide if a relationship feels healthy to you, and I think a good place to start is with that definition I just gave (and it’s in the transcript if you’d like to refer back to it), so you can then go through it and look at each specific part of the definition to decide where your relationship with your parents or guardians sits in terms of being healthy or unhealthy. 

Regardless of where your relationship is at now, you are fully in control of your part of the relationship in terms of what you choose to do and say (or not do or say), and so it’s the choices you make that will shape what happens next. 

I realise that, for teenagers in particular, that piece of advice can be a tough pill to swallow, especially because you’re probably looking at several more years of living at home, and so I encourage you to really listen to what I’m talking about today and think about how you can manage your own part of the situation (be that a good or a bad situation) while ensuring that you take care of your needs and your safety (and I’ll touch on that later). 

For the rest of us, as adults, it’s up to us to make choices about how we approach the parent/child relationship in adulthood. And so that leads me to the how-to part of today’s episode; so, let’s talk about… 

How to manage your relationship as an adult

Now, I said earlier this is an ambitious episode because of the amount of stuff I want to cover, in terms of creating and maintaining healthy relationships as well as dealing with unhealthy ones, so I’m going to split this section into four parts, covering better relationships with your parents, dealing with controlling parents, dealing with difficult or toxic parents, and then dealing with ageing parents. Feel free to dip in and out depending on your situation, and please understand I’m trying to keep this as broad as possible. OK, let’s start with:

Building better relationships with your parents 

First, decide on what type of relationship you want — because you really do get to decide! Part of a mature and healthy relationship between two adults involves communicating openly and honestly (without attacking or letting assumptions create misunderstandings), and it involves holding yourself accountable for your own words and actions. Think of it the way you would approach a close friendship, just with less disclosure of the really personal stuff! I’ve covered a few topics in the past that may prove helpful: communication in Episode 134, maturity in Episode 85, conflict in Episode 88 and accountability in Episode 16. OK, next… 

Develop your own identity — because regardless of your age, you are your own person and that means you can have your own likes, dislikes, interests and opinions; you are under zero obligation to be a carbon copy of your parents, and in fact it’s very unlikely you’ll be the same as your parents or guardians because we’re all unique individuals, so this is about choosing to define your own sense of self worth. Identity is something I covered in Episode 30 plus self worth was the subject of Episode 78 so check those out for more. OK, next… 

Think before you speak or act — because I know, I know, we expect that our parents should be responsible for role-modelling healthy behaviours… but since I’ve already pointed out earlier in this episode that nobody is perfect, including your caregivers, that means they are just as likely to make mistakes as the rest of us. Treat them the way you would any healthy relationship by taking a moment to think about what you’re going to say or do so that you can understand what the likely consequences of your actions will be in terms of creating and maintaining a healthy adult relationship. For example, that means being aware that we often default into our traditional parent/child roles when provoked (and trust me when I tell you that nobody knows how to push your buttons quite like a family member!); instead of just reacting, take some time to pause and breathe so that you can calm yourself in order to respond in a more thoughtful, considered and rational way. OK, next…

Handle conflict in a mature way — you are going to disagree from time to time; it’s just part of any relationship. However you always have a choice when it comes to conflict: you can go into a full emotional meltdown and fight fire with fire, or you can step back and handle your feelings in a more thoughtful way. Guess which one is healthier? Yep, being more thoughtful! That means addressing issues early, not assuming or jumping to conclusions, not being unwilling to negotiate or compromise, and not using the past as a weapon against people; instead, be open to discussion and focus on the present and the future while learning from the past. These are things I talked about in Episode 134 (about communication) and Episode 88 (about conflict). Next… 

Focus on your own self acceptance — and by this I mean to be more accepting of yourself rather than relying on, or seeking, the acceptance of your parents. The people who raised you are just people, with their own ideas about the world, and so you may have fundamental differences of opinions on things that matter to you. You can find common ground over time, and the people who love you unconditionally will eventually find their way to a place of greater understanding, but regardless your priority should be your own sense of self acceptance rather than seeking it externally (and I talked about that in Episode 154). 

OK, now let’s talk about…

Dealing with controlling parents

And no prizes for guessing that my first point is: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries — because you get to decide what you will and will not accept in your life, and it’s OK to set and maintain boundaries accordingly. For example, if your parent tends to come over to your house and criticise the way you have things then you can tell them it’s not appropriate or acceptable, and request that they respect your right to keep your home the way you like it. Sure, that may go down like a ton of bricks… but just because a conversation is difficult that doesn’t mean that you avoid it. I talked about how to do that in Episode 53 about boundaries and also Episode 45 about assertiveness. OK, next… 

Call out unhealthy behaviour — I know this is going to make some of you squirm with discomfort however it’s better to have a little short-term pain for long-term gain, so address controlling behaviour if and when it happens; you may even find that your parent or guardian isn’t aware they’re doing it (and we do often tend to repeat the behaviours that were role-modelled to us in childhood), so give them the benefit of the doubt and talk about it… which then gives them an opportunity to decide whether to work with you to find a solution or not. And if the idea of this makes you uncomfortable, I talked about discomfort in Episode 132. OK, next… 

Manage their access to you — just because someone is related to you that doesn’t give them free rein to do and say whatever they like. This takes that whole ‘boundaries’ thing to a new level, by which I mean that you can decide to limit contact if you feel that you aren’t being treated respectfully. However please make the effort to tackle the difficult conversations and boundary-setting first before you jump to limiting access, otherwise it can be very passive-aggressive and emotionally-driven (which isn’t healthy), and also think very carefully before deciding to remove access to you entirely; adult relationships involve conflict, and healthy relationships are ones where we don’t shy away from trying to address issues instead of pretending they don’t exist. The exception to that tip is where you’re dealing with a relationship that is causing damage to your mental or physical health, in which case you need to prioritise your wellbeing (and that’s something I’ve done myself, which I’ll discuss in a minute).

OK, now let’s talk about…

Dealing with difficult or toxic parents 

So this is where things get really challenging, and I’m almost secretly hoping that there are very few of you who felt the need to listen to this part of the episode because I know how tough it is when one or more of the people who are supposed to raise you and love you unconditionally turn out to be incapable of doing so. 

And so my first point is to know that it’s not actually about you — because you are not responsible for what someone else chooses to do or not do, and their choices are not a reflection of your worth. Depending on where you are in your healing journey, you’re either nodding in agreement or you’re struggling to accept what I just said; either way, you are worthy regardless of how you’re treated by a parent or guardian. Some people project all of their fears and insecurities onto their kids, which will probably haunt you well into adulthood. But it doesn’t need to.

All of the tips I covered in the previous section will be helpful, as well as choosing to focus on building your self worth (which is a topic I covered in Episode 78) and also treat yourself with self compassion (the subject of Episode 153) in order to slowly heal. This is also something where I highly recommend you get support to work through issues (and I explained what ‘support’ looks and feels like in Episode 33); for me, my regular sessions with my therapist have been a safe space to work through my emotional baggage and find ways to move forward (and, by the way, I covered baggage in Episode 7). 

And then if the situation is serious and causing damage to your mental or physical health, remove yourself from the situation. There are always support services in place and people who care about you who will help you; never stay out of obligation or fear. 

I’m going to share something quite personal here, and this is quite tough so consider this a trigger warning. I stayed in a physically and emotionally abusive home environment — and actively covered for my mother — because I was terrified of what would happen to me if I told anyone the truth of how I was being treated; I thought I’d end up being taken away from everyone and everything I knew, so even though my home life was terrible it was at least familiar, and there was a kind of messed-up comfort and security in that familiarity. 

I don’t do regrets, but in hindsight I really do wish I would have spoken up because I know now that I have family who would have helped me out… and so I say to anyone who is in a difficult family situation, regardless of what age you might be: speak up, speak out, and stand up for yourself. Never allow fear to hold you back from speaking your truth and making it stop, because you deserve better and you are worthy of so, so much better. And believe me when I tell you from firsthand experience that it can get better and it will get better. It really will. Speak up.

OK, with all of that said let me now change gears and talk about… 

Dealing with ageing parents 

So I’m hoping this will be a much lighter note than the previous couple of topics, and I wanted to end with a more positively-focused conversation.

Look, you are growing older by the day and so are your parents or guardians. That presents a whole bunch of challenges in terms of quality of life and expectations, as well as shifting responsibilities and even potentially dealing with resistance. What doesn’t change, however, is that you’re both adults and you’re both people so focus on maintaining a healthy relationship with open communication. While it’s easy to fall into a new type of parent/child relationship where you suddenly feel like the parent, choose to treat your parent or guardian with dignity and focus on what they need balanced with what you can comfortably manage. 

That means choosing to focus on working together, rather than lapsing into an argumentative or adversarial relationship, so that you can both enjoy the time you have together. It also means that you both plan for the future, even if those types of conversations feel uncomfortable; discuss how your parent wants to handle issues if and when they happen such as health matters, or what their attitude is towards care facilities versus in-home care if necessary. Understand that these are likely to be difficult conversations for your parent, because few people want to think about loss of control or independence, so be patient and understanding (and even prepared to try these conversations over a longer period of time).

Part of this also involves making sure that you know your own capabilities and limitations; you may want to take full responsibility for an ageing parent with mobility issues, but if you work a full-time job and have three kids then that’s going to be a logistical challenge that needs to be assessed and considered. And that means understanding that you may have to make tough decisions, as I have done with my own mother who’s now in care due to dementia. And so for that reason I’m also going to strongly suggest that you get support for yourself to manage the range of emotions you will have to deal with, because it can be surprisingly confronting to suddenly have to find yourself dealing with all of this stuff as your parent or guardian ages, so being able to work things through with a trusted friend or, even better, a therapist or counsellor will really help you to process everything in a healthy and positive way (even when times are tough).

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to parents and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: your parents are just people. They’re not perfect and they don’t have the answers to everything… which often comes as a complete and utter shock when we grow up and realise that they’re just making it all up the same as we are! I don’t think that any of that gives your parents a free pass, or an excuse for causing harm (because it doesn’t), but it can also help us to understand that people are just people and we all make mistakes. You are in full control of what your relationship with your parents, guardians or primary caregivers looks and feels like now and in the future, so think about how you can build and maintain a healthy relationship based on mutual trust and respect.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“There is no such thing as a perfect parent.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about instinct. So much has been said about learning to follow your intuition and trusting your instincts, but for many of us (especially those of us living with anxiety) it can be hard to tell the difference between our instincts and that constantly-panicking little voice that thinks it knows everything. So what is the difference? And, more broadly than that, what’s the deal with instinct? Well, next time I’ll be talking about what instinct is (and what it isn’t), why instinct matters, and how to learn to understand and trust your instincts.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 20th of November, 2022. 

You can find many more practical mental health tips in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), which is available from Amazon and Apple Books, and visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au where you can sign up to my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts for a weekly dose of inspiration.

Become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra benefits, and follow my podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth plus check out my other account, @jeremygodwinofficial, where I post daily tips sharing Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck — and those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2022 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.