Let’s Talk About… Self Acceptance

By Jeremy Godwin

What is self acceptance? How does it affect your mental health and wellbeing? And how can you learn to be more accepting of yourself? That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 6 November, 2022.

Hello and welcome to Episode 154, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about self acceptance and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share simple ideas for better mental health. 

I spent most of the 2010’s dealing with severe anxiety and depression, after a breakdown in late 2011, which led me to want to learn more about my mental health… so I went back to school and studied psychology and sociology, and now I share simple mental health tips for how to improve your wellbeing, from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through mental health challenges. 

Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. In this episode I’ll be talking about what self acceptance is (and what it isn’t), why self acceptance matters, and how to build your self acceptance. So, let’s talk!

Introduction

In 1988 the British band Fairground Attraction declared, “It’s got to be perfect, it’s got to be worth it” and if that’s the case then I am in a world of trouble because I am far from perfect.

And do you know what? I’m completely OK with that!

It has taken me a very, very long time — in fact, my entire lifetime — to reach the point I’m at now where I genuinely like who I am and where I’m also able to show myself true self acceptance, while at the same time also putting in the effort to improve those aspects of my personality that I would like to improve (for example, I’m impatient and sometimes short-tempered, and I’m now slowly learning how to use those qualities for good instead of feeling bad about them). 

My point in all of this is that we each have a choice in life: we either struggle against the truth of who we are right now, in this moment, which will inevitably lead us to feel bad about ourselves (because the truth is the truth, no matter how much you avoid it) or we can choose to embrace the truth of who we are — yes, flaws and all — to show ourselves grace, compassion and dignity, which in turn gives us the ability to tackle the stuff that we don’t like about ourselves. And at this point you’re probably thinking, “Wait, what? I thought self acceptance meant fully accepting who I am… so why would I then have stuff I don’t like?!” and if so then that’s a great question which I am going to answer in a little bit, but not right now. Why? Because I’m going to first talk through some definitions; so, let’s talk about…

What is self acceptance?

So, self acceptance is about your ability to unconditionally accept and embrace all of your different attributes, regardless of whether you perceive them to be positive or negative. It’s about recognising that we all have flaws, we all make mistakes, and we all have aspects of ourselves that we feel need to be improved, but feeling generally satisfied with who you are in this moment instead of mentally beating yourself up over those perceived shortcomings. It means recognising that we are all imperfect beings and that it’s our ability to grow, to improve ourselves, and to evolve that truly defines us as humans. 

In short, self acceptance is about embracing who you are, flaws and all, and then doing the work to grow a little each day so that you can take steps to be the best version of yourself possible (which, by the way, is a lifelong journey and not a magical destination where you receive a certificate and a gold medal, then spend the rest of your life with your feet up drinking cocktails or mocktails… because the work is never finished!).

So let’s talk about what self acceptance isn’t. First, self acceptance isn’t the same as self esteem, mainly because self esteem is very much focused on your ability to see your worth as a human being (in terms of both for yourself and also for the world at large), and so it’s quite externally-focused, whereas self acceptance is a very internal thing; it’s a quiet sense of self reflection and contemplation where you can see all of the aspects of who you are as a person — the good, the bad, and everything in between — and where you can be accepting of it (and please bear in mind that ‘accepting’ something doesn’t mean that you like it or endorse it; it simply means that you don’t try to resist reality… which is something I talked about in both Episode 36 about acceptance and Episode 65 about resistance). 

And then, secondly, I hope I don’t need to say this but I’ll say it anyway: self acceptance isn’t an excuse to be obnoxious or arrogant towards others because you think that you’re number one or that you are more deserving of rights than someone else; instead, it’s about being able to acknowledge that every single person in this world has something positive to offer, if they choose to contribute positively, and so focusing on your own backyard instead of worrying about what other people are doing in theirs. Basically, what I’m trying to say there is not to let your self acceptance go to your head so much that you then begin to behave in an entitled and obnoxious way… because we really don’t need any more of that kind of energy in the world! 

Let’s take a moment to talk about conditional versus unconditional self acceptance. For many of us we may have grown up in homes or had situations at school where being accepted by others was conditional; in other words, to ‘fit in’ or to protect ourselves (or both) we needed to adapt to what other people expected or demanded from us. That’s a kind of survival instinct that kicks in (and it’s a big part of the reason why high schools are a hot-bed of backstabbing and cliques, because in our teenage years we’re trying to figure out where we fit in and trying to do everything we can not to be rejected for being ‘different’ or ‘weird’). The more we have to modify who we are in order to be accepted by others, the more we directly or indirectly learn that being accepted is conditional; that is, we must meet certain criteria in order to be seen as worthy. And, as you can probably imagine, that tends to be fairly damaging to your ability to love and respect yourself for who you really are (especially if who you really are is something you try to hide or that you have to put aside to fit in with others, whether it’s at school or at home), and all of that stuff sticks with us into adulthood; it’s the reason why you’ll still see middle-aged people forming cliques in the workplace and ostracising people who don’t fit the standards they demand, or why your parents may struggle to accept your life choices or identity. As a species we have been conditioned over thousands and thousands of years to conform in order to fit in, which was necessary for our survival, and so it’s a tall order to then ask us to suddenly show ourselves unconditional self acceptance. 

But here’s the thing: you can either accept yourself for who you truly are, or you can spend the rest of your life fighting with yourself and feeling horrible about yourself. The choice is yours, and it’s the choice you make that will shape what happens next.

So, with all that in mind, now let’s talk about…

Why self acceptance matters

And the short answer to that question is the same as what I said last week in Episode 153 about self compassion: how you treat yourself directly shapes your mental health and wellbeing. That’s precisely why I’ve done this four-part series on the way you choose to treat yourself, because it’s the one relationship that I can guarantee you are going to have for the rest of your life and so you may as well make it a positive and supportive one, instead of bullying yourself or being constantly critical and mean towards yourself! 

According to an article by the Virginia Department of Health, and I quote:

“Self-acceptance is related to happiness; the more accepting you are of yourself, the more happiness you accept and enjoy. Other benefits include a decrease in depressive symptoms, the desire to be approved by others, fear of failure, and self-critique, as well as an increase in positive emotions, sense of freedom, self-worth, autonomy, and self-esteem. 

Without self-acceptance, your mental well-being is likely to suffer. For example, you are less able to control stress and anxiety. The way we feel about ourselves impacts both psychological health and future goal achievement. Self-acceptance will help you achieve self-improvement… [and research] shows that high levels of self-acceptance can also lead to less focus on negative aspects of oneself and a higher likelihood of engaging in acts of self-love.”

And you’ll find that article linked in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes which is available in English, Spanish and Italian, and if you sign up to my free mailing list you’ll have my transcripts land in your inbox each week… and you’ll find my website linked in the episode description. [Find the article here: https://www.vdh.virginia.gov/workforce-wellness/wellness-topics/self-acceptance/] 

So, further to the point I made earlier, just because you embrace who you are now that doesn’t mean that you have to like everything about yourself; it simply means that you are accepting the reality of who you are and who you are not at this point in time… and the good thing is that reality can always be changed, with enough time, effort and perseverance (plus a whole lot of patience!). 

We are all a work in progress — every single one of us — and we all have strengths just the same as we all have development opportunities, or areas where we might need to grow in order to improve our skills or even our general life satisfaction. But before you can work on those aspects of yourself you would like to improve, you need to find self acceptance and unconditionally embrace the truth of who you are and who you are not, in order to grow in a more positive way… rather than constantly trying to ‘fix’ yourself, which just leads you to become self-critical and unkind to yourself.

The difference here is in your mindset and your approach; in other words, whether you approach that kind of self-development and self-improvement work from a negative place or a positive place. If it’s a negative focus, like when you might start a crash diet because you don’t like the way you look, it’s then negatively-focused… and that’s when our fears and insecurities come into play, which makes us feel worse about ourselves. But when you stop struggling against what is — against the truth of who you are, flaws and all — then you can then gently ease your way into changes in a much more positive and realistic way… and those changes tend to be much more effective, and sustainable, in the long term.

So, self acceptance plays a vital role in the way you see yourself and how you feel about yourself, which in turn has a positive effect on your overall wellbeing. So then how can you be more accepting of yourself? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of this episode and let’s talk about…

How to build your self acceptance

OK, first: Build your self awareness — because the more you know yourself, the more you will know yourself! Just like I know (and accept) that I am someone who thoroughly enjoys playing with words (and I do it in basically every episode…!), when you know who you are and who you are not you’re better able to become accepting of all of yourself: the good, the bad, and everything in between. Remember what I said earlier about ‘acceptance’ not meaning that you have to like everything about yourself; I like myself, but I also still have a lot of things I want to change or improve, and it’s actually because I like and accept myself that I can make an honest assessment of those things and that I also want to put in the effort every day to improve little by little. I talked about how to build greater self awareness in Episode 62 so I highly recommend that you check that out, plus there’s also a chapter on it in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), which is available from Amazon and Apple Books and it’s linked in the episode description. OK, next… 

Choose to believe in yourself — because self belief really is a choice! I mean, there’s a lot more to it than just that (which I explored in Episode 125 about self belief) but making the choice to believe in yourself is absolutely the foundation of having a positive self-image. Stop being your own worst enemy and instead become your own biggest cheerleader. That doesn’t mean that you need to grab some pom-poms and start going “ra-ra!” for yourself non-stop (although if you do happen to do that then please feel free to film it and send it to me, because that’s taking self-love to a whole new level!). One way you can choose to believe in yourself is with my next point, which is… 

Recognise and celebrate your strengths — because everybody is good at something, and when you focus on your positive attributes you begin to build greater self confidence and you tend to believe in yourself more. Of course that doesn’t mean that you’re perfect, because nobody is (and I’ll come back to that in a moment), but the piece here is about recognising that when you focus on the negative you will tend to find more and more to feel negatively about; on the other hand, when you focus on the positive, you’ll tend to find more and more to feel positively about. It’s a simple little mindset shift (and it might be one you have to consciously make several times a day, every day, for quite a while, in order to start building it as a habit) but it will help you to see your positive attributes more so that you can celebrate them. OK, my next point is… 

Recognise and work on your self-development opportunities — because, as I’ve said many (many!) times today: none of us are perfect, and our growth as a human being is a lifelong journey! I like to regularly assess some of the things that I know I want to or need to improve, either for work or for my personal life, and then I create a plan so that I can build my capabilities or improve that aspect of my personality little by little (and I’d suggest to only focus on a couple of things at any given time, because that’s much easier to do than trying to work on everything all at once… which is likely to just overwhelm you and make it harder to create any real progress). A fair bit of my mindset around this is based on one of my past careers focused on training design and delivery in the corporate sector, and in fact I created an entire episode about learning (Episode 144 about capability) which can help you to create a plan for working on your development opportunities bit by bit. OK, next… 

Surround yourself with positive people — because the types of people you spend the bulk of your time with will have a direct influence on the way you think and feel about the world and about yourself. When you spend time with people who are positive, kind and supportive, you’re more likely to be accepting of them and also accepting of yourself. On the other hand, negative people will likely drag you down and have you compromising who you are in order to fit in, or they might make you feel bad about yourself and your hopes, dreams and aspirations, so choose to remove negative people and influences from your life in order to be true to yourself and what you need out of life. Always remember: you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. Speaking of other people, my next point is…

Stop comparing yourself to others — because comparison truly is the thief of joy (and that’s something I discussed in Episode 126 about self sabotage). Everyone’s life circumstances are unique, and so comparing yourself to others is not only a waste of time (because we’re all unique individuals and cannot be compared), it’s also damaging to your sense of self worth because it’s turning your attention away from what makes you special and invaluable. I covered self worth in Episode 78 if you’d like to explore that topic further. OK, next… 

Practice ownership and accountability — and this might sound like an odd one but hear me out: when you choose to be accountable for who you are, and when you take ownership of things (especially where you’ve made a mistake or done something hurtful), it allows you to be completely truthful with others and with yourself… which leads to healthier relationships with others and with yourself. I really feel like honesty and integrity are two very valuable commodities that are in short supply these days, and I know from first-hand experience that when you are open and honest about things (even when those ‘things’ aren’t great), people will respect your honesty… and you’ll feel better about yourself (and, by the way, I talked about accountability back in Episode 16). OK, next…

Set realistic expectations for yourself — look, ideally this tip would have gone into last week’s episode about self compassion, Episode 153, and it’s an extension of that point I made in that episode about re-assessing the standards that you set for yourself, but I want to specifically pick up on the piece about realistic expectations because so often we expect ourselves to be a super-person and it’s not only not realistic to expect that from yourself, it’s also not fair on yourself. Stop demanding perfection from yourself, because perfection doesn’t exist and I guarantee you that nobody is judging you as harshly as you judge you! So then my next point is…

Let go of anything that no longer serves you — because often we hold onto things because they’re familiar, and there’s a sense of safety and comfort in the familiar; however, just because something feels familiar that doesn’t mean it’s right for you or that it’s healthy, and it also doesn’t mean that it’s relevant or appropriate for who you are now and who you’re becoming. We all grow out of things — places, people, clothing styles, musical tastes, the ability to get up without groaning (which seems to be getting worse for me every year!) — and my point here is that you can either cling on to situations or relationships (or whatever) even if they’re no longer in your best interests, which is going to make it tough to be accepting of yourself because deep-down you have to know that whatever it is isn’t right for you anymore, or you can let go with grace and dignity. I know letting go is hard and it’s incredibly confronting (and I talked about how to do it back in Episode 32) but letting go is a necessary part of your evolution as a human being. And speaking of that, my next point is…

Embrace who you are now — because you are constantly growing, and so the you that you are now is definitely going to be different to the you that you were a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago… so celebrate who you are now, which helps you to meet yourself with greater acceptance. For example, I am now able to admit to myself and to others that I’m socially awkward. It’s taken me a very long time to come to accept that fact about myself, because I used to think that meant there was something wrong with me, but it’s just who I am. The reality is that you can stick me in front of a group of 200 people to present, and I feel incredibly comfortable and even in my element, but if you put me in a one-on-one conversation with someone I don’t know, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable that it’s like I want to vomit up my soul. Rather than constantly resisting that aspect of myself, and fighting against the truth of that fact, I have found it so much easier to meet myself with grace and kindness, rather than beating myself up for not being someone else. And that leads to my next point… 

Give yourself permission to grow and evolve — because it’s possible that you might feel guilty about being so accepting of yourself, or be concerned that you might alienate the people you care about, but I hope you know that the people in your life who love you unconditionally will want you to keep on growing and evolving because that’s how you find long-term satisfaction. It’s not possible to stay the same as you were 10, 20, 30 years ago without stagnating and becoming resentful, so let yourself continually grow and transform into the best version of yourself possible (and I talked about how to do that in Episode 149 about metamorphosis). 

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to self acceptance and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: self acceptance is self love, and it’s a way to be kind to yourself by learning to be more understanding of who you are, and who you are not, as well as being less self-critical and judgemental about your perceived flaws. You’re not perfect, but then again nobody is! So rather than constantly criticising yourself, choose to show yourself grace, kindness, understanding and, above all else, unconditional acceptance.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Marilyn Monroe, and it is:

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”

Marilyn Monroe

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about parents. After spending four episodes in a row talking about your relationship with yourself, now I’m going to switch focus and talk about what is very likely to be one of the most significant relationships you’ll ever have in your life: your relationship with your parents, guardians or primary caregivers. Families come in different shapes and sizes, and it’s the relationships we have in our formative childhood and teenage years that serve to shape who we are and the life that we go on to lead. So then how do you navigate through all of the positives and negatives of those relationships? And how do you deal with the constantly-evolving nature of your relationship with these significant people as they age and so do you? Well, next time I’ll be talking about what parent/child relationships are (and what they are not), why knowing the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship matters, and how to manage your relationship as an adult.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 13th of November, 2022. 

You can find many more practical mental health tips in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), which is available from Amazon and Apple Books, and visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au where you can sign up to my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts for a weekly dose of inspiration.

Become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra benefits, and follow my podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth plus check out my other account, @jeremygodwinofficial, where I post daily tips sharing Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck — and those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2022 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.