Let’s Talk About… Denial

By Jeremy Godwin

What is denial, and how can you stop living in denial? That’s what I’m talking about this week on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 28 August, 2022.

Hello and welcome to Episode 146, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about denial and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I talk about looking after your mental health. I spent most of the 2010’s dealing with severe anxiety and depression, after a breakdown in late 2011, and that led me to want to learn more about my mental health… so I went back to school and studied psychology and sociology, and now I share simple tips for how to improve your mental wellbeing, from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through mental health challenges. Each episode I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what denial is (and what it isn’t), why understanding the impact of denial matters, and how to manage denial in a healthy way (and by that I mean mainly your own denial, as well as how to approach dealing with other people who may be in denial). 

And remember that you can find even more tips for better mental health in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One). Buy it in print from Amazon worldwide or as an eBook from Amazon and Apple Books, and it’s linked in the episode description.

Alright, let’s talk about denial!

Introduction

Unlike the Nile, which is river in Egypt, denial is a far less fertile and pleasant place; you’re hardly likely to see a great civilisation pop up off the back of denial, unlike the Nile which is, of course, responsible for the pyramids as well a whole bunch of movies about pharaohs and mummies.

I mentioned in the introduction that I had a breakdown in late 2011, which was followed by quite a few years of severe depression and anxiety, but the thing I don’t really talk about is that there was a period of a few months after my initial breakdown where I went into full-on denial mode about what I was going through and just tried to soldier on, even though my body was in a constant state of panic (it felt like my stomach was actually trying to eat itself 24 hours a day, seven days a week). I saw my doctor for several weeks about the physical symptoms and there were even discussions about possible surgical procedures to try to work out what was going on before I finally admitted to myself — and to my doctor — that what was happening to me was less of a case of stomach issues and more about the fact that I felt like a broken shell of a human being. 

The reality for me at that time is that not only was I unwell, I was severely unwell and that meant I required a variety of treatments — medical and therapy-based — in order to begin to both address my symptoms and find ways to manage them so I could start working on the underlying cause of those symptoms… but I was so deeply in denial that I just wanted to pop a pill or two and get on with my life. You see, I knew I was nearly $100,000 in debt and that if I admitted to myself just how bad my mental health problems really were then I was probably going to wind up a total mess, unable to function (which, funnily enough, is what happened anyway). I kept on going to work (although my time off became more and more frequent because I couldn’t cope and had days where I just had to hide away from the world in my house), and it wasn’t until almost four months after my initial breakdown that I finally accepted the warts-and-all truth which is what then led me to tell my partner what was going on (which I had put off doing because he was away overseas on an extended work assignment — great timing, right?!) and then I found the strength to quit my job, because I finally admitted to myself that my mental health had to take priority; in other words, I could no longer work if I wanted to live.

I’m starting today’s episode with that happy and cheerful story because although it might seem a bit bleak, and although it might be confronting to hear about the negative effects that denial had on me, until I finally admitted the truth to myself and others, the fact of the matter is that the story did have a positive outcome; I am in a much better place in my life now than I was back then because I pushed past denial and chose to face reality… and even though things became a lot worse before they eventually began to improve, I now look back on that time as being a blessing in disguise (let’s be clear: it’s not one I would actively choose for myself, because it was horrible, but even the darkest of times can have a positive impact in the long-term). 

So let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What is denial?

Denial is a form of self-protection, where we might consciously or unconsciously avoid the reality of a situation in order to avoid stress or anxiety. It’s a “refusal to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into [your] consciousness, [often] used as a defence mechanism” (and that’s adapted from the Oxford Dictionary). 

So, basically denial is commonly about trying to protect yourself from reality because the truth is just too painful to accept at the present moment. It might involve struggling to accept something overwhelming or stressful, and it often involves refusing to acknowledge facts about a situation or event because they are upsetting or confronting. For example, denial is a common response when someone close to us falls seriously ill or if they die. It can also commonly involve other situations such as the end of a relationship, the negative consequences of our own actions, the reality that our job might be doing us harm, or maybe that our business is failing, etc.

What denial isn’t is delusion. The vast majority of people who are in denial will eventually allow themselves to process the truth, whereas there are some people who have zero willingness to believe anything that does not support their own narrative or worldview, and who will ignore all evidence that does not support their beliefs and their ego. Sadly most of those people tend to find their way into politics, which is unfortunate; we have a situation going on here in Australia at the moment where it’s been made public that our ex-Prime Minister secretly granted himself a bunch of additional responsibilities during the pandemic without making that public or even informing some of his own people who were affected… at the time of writing this, he’s busy doubling-down on his choice as being fair and reasonable, without explaining why he kept it a secret and without listening to why people are saying it was a dodgy thing to do (we have a system of government here where no single person can hold that level of power). So my point here is that his behaviour goes beyond pure and simple denial and straight into an unhealthy level of delusion, because he seems to forget that all public servants in this country — politicians included — answer to the people, not their own egos.

Let’s maybe try for a less politically-charged example of denial and let’s talk about Madonna. Let me preface this entire conversation by saying this has nothing to do with Madonna’s age, given that she just recently turned 64; I was a huge Madonna fan for many, many years and not only was she a trailblazer in the 80s and 90s, but she also played a massive role in redefining careers for women over 40 in the entertainment industry during the 2000s. 

Anyway, the point is that Madonna likes to say that people don’t like her because of her age and because of the fact that she lives the way she wants to, and I can’t speak for every ex-Madonna fan but for me it’s because (a) her music has been getting worse and worse and (b) she comes across as mean and nasty, two types of energy I want absolutely nothing to do with. How does any of this relate to denial? Here’s how. When you ignore the bigger picture, and when you deny reality, you set yourself up for difficulties… and let’s be honest, you also embrace a whole bunch of delusion. Create the kind of art you want or make the life choices that feel right to you, but don’t then try to say that people are against you because what you’re doing ‘scares’ them or is ‘confronting’ — no, Madonna, it’s because you come across as a bit of an arsehole and you haven’t put out a decent album since Confessions on a Dancefloor in 2005… that’s why.

Now, it’s possible I might feel fairly strongly about this particular example (I mean, I used to be a huge fan so I’m still pretty disappointed, to be fair); so, let’s move on from that rant and talk about…

Why understanding the impact of denial matters

And it matters because the truth matters, since it’s healthier to make choices based on a foundation of reality rather than denial and delusion.  Just saying that the sky is yellow doesn’t make it yellow, just like twisting facts or using false or doctored evidence to support fake facts doesn’t magically make them true. For example, if you have a substance use issue but you say you don’t, that doesn’t change the reality that you have an issue… does it? It’s just about whether or not you’re ready to admit that you have an issue. Before I quit drinking I used to think my alcohol intake was fine, and I’d justify it to myself by saying that I only drank a couple of times a week, but those drinking sessions involved way more than just a few glasses and usually ended with me passing out, or making an absolute idiot of myself before then passing out. 

Here’s the thing: denying your difficulties doesn’t make them go away, and it can even potentially make them worse. I understand that confronting the truth can be overwhelming (and I’ll actually be talking about dealing with overwhelm in general in next week’s episode), but the fact remains that the longer you delay dealing with the truth the more harm you may potentially do to yourself and to others.

If your relationship isn’t healthy, denying that fact might prolong the issues rather than allowing you to acknowledge that something needs to change and then taking those first steps to make that happen.

If you’re dealing with an illness or a physical issue, pretending it isn’t happening is going to increase the likelihood that whatever it is might get worse.

If you’re dealing with mental health issues, ignoring them or denying that you have a problem could lead to greater stress, anxiety or depression and that may make it harder to get your wellbeing back on track.

If you’re having issues at work, pretending everything is fine isn’t actually going to make everything fine; it’s just going to sweep everything under the rug, and your problems will continue to pile up until eventually you won’t be able to ignore them anymore because they’ll probably explode and things will be worse than if you just dealt with them now.

Here’s my main point in all of this: the truth might hurt, but it’s better in the long-term to confront reality than run from it… because it will catch up with you eventually anyway. The truth doesn’t stop being the truth just because you deny it or don’t believe in it. 

So, how do you do all of that? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…

How to manage denial in a healthy way 

OK, let’s begin with know the signs — and to explain this one I’m going to quote a few lines from an excellent article by TalkSpace; the quote is: “…some tell-tale signs (of denial) that you can observe [include]:

• Minimizing: You may acknowledge that there’s an issue, but insist it’s not a big problem. This is… a common behavior in people struggling with addiction. 
• Rationalizing: [which] involves making excuses for a particular person or behavior. 
• Self-deception: [which] is simply lying to oneself about the nature or degree of a situation. A big part of denial is living in a kind of altered reality — a reality that’s easier to endure than actual reality. 
• [And] Blaming: If you find yourself consistently placing blame on others or on circumstances outside of your control, chances are you might be in denial. Taking responsibility for your actions is an important part of the healing process, and blaming others gets in the way. (This is sometimes known as projection.)” 

And you’ll find that article linked in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes (find it here: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/denial-coping-what-is/). 

I shared that so you can think about what some of the potential signs of denial are, and if it’s something that you might be dealing with then I suggest my next point, which is… 

Get support — which might involve working with a therapist or joining a support group, depending on the situation and your readiness to address the issue, or maybe it’s simply about communicating openly and honestly with trusted friends and family members about what you’re going through and what support you might need. And let’s be honest here; some people might not be all that great at figuring out what support you need on their own (and some people have little or no emotional intelligence, or any idea about how to handle difficult emotions; I’ve seen grown adults recoil in horror in the corporate sector because someone was crying), so as frustrating as this might seem, the reality is that you may even need to be direct and specific about exactly what help you need… some people just aren’t equipped to be great at support, but it doesn’t mean they won’t help you if you ask for exactly what you need. So the general point here is my usual one about support: get help for dealing with your difficulties, because you don’t have to go through tough times on your own and nor should you. OK, next…

Give yourself time — and by this I don’t mean “give yourself so long that you never do anything about whatever it is you’re denial over,” but instead this is about being kind and understanding towards yourself when you realise that you might be denying the truth about something or holding back from accepting reality for what it is. Some things take time to process, like grief and heartbreak (which I covered in Episode 26 and Episode 121 respectively), so treat yourself with kindness. And that leads into my next point, which is…

Know the difference between short-term and long-term denial — and this is very much about self awareness, which I covered in Episode 62 and it’s also the first chapter of my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), which is linked in the episode description. Look, sometimes short-term denial is necessary because it’s a kind of immediate reactive response when we need time to process information about some type of difficulty or challenge, and it helps to prevent us from becoming overwhelmed by grief or fear in the moment; basically, it’s a survival mechanism because it helps us to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. But where it becomes potentially unhealthy and even dangerous is when you continue staying in a state of denial for a long period of time and don’t allow yourself to begin processing the truth; the truth might hurt, but that doesn’t stop it from being true (and I covered truth back in Episode 72). The longer you stay in denial, the longer you delay your healing. OK, next… 

Communicate — now, I talked earlier about communicating what you need as part of the ‘get support’ point and I want to take that a step further by encouraging you to communicate often and openly with the people you care about to help them know and understand what you’re dealing with and where you’re at, and the reason I say that is because nobody can read your mind so the people in your life will really only be able to base their perspectives of you on two things: their observations, and what you tell them. When you choose to explain what is really going on and talk openly about why things are the way they are, or how you’re coping with your process of managing whatever the situation is, not only do you build better relationships with people but you also minimise assumptions they might make (because we all jump to our own conclusions based on our observations). I covered communication back in Episode 134 and it plays a fundamental role in any healthy relationship, so have a listen to that one if you haven’t already. And also let me say here that this isn’t just about communication at home; if you’re going through something, talk with your boss and let them know what support you need… it’s better than leaving them to guess what’s going on, especially since that can lead to a lot of other problems at work. Honesty really is the best policy. And speaking of honesty, my next tip is…

Journalling — which is about being honest with yourself. When you bottle up your feelings or suppress them, they don’t actually go anywhere; they’re still inside, bubbling away underneath the surface. Instead of letting all that stuff stay inside, where it will likely build and build and build until you eventually explode or become overwhelmed (or both), write it out to get it out; it can be a good way to begin getting in touch with what you really feel, and it can be especially helpful to allow you to see patterns (and if you’re working with a counsellor or therapist, you can discuss those patterns with them to begin working through them). That leads into my next point, which is…

Focus on developing healthy coping skills — because it’s the choices you make that shape what happens next; whether you make healthy choices or unhealthy choices, what you choose determines what you get. I’ve covered quite a few topics in past episodes which you might find helpful: choices in Episode 135, habits in Episode 29, self control in Episode 133 and self sabotage in Episode 126. OK, so that brings me to my next point which is… 

Focus on acceptance rather than resistance — because what you resist persists (yes, I’ve used that one in past episodes; I really do have a lot of catchphrases, don’t I?!). Just because you refuse to accept something that doesn’t change the reality of it; all that does is delay the inevitable path towards making your peace with things (and I’m a firm believer in making your peace with stuff, especially if it’s out of your control). You’ll also find it helpful to focus on what you do want out of life instead of what you don’t, because that mindset can lead you towards solutions rather than problems. I covered mindset in Episode 31, acceptance in Episode 36, resistance in Episode 65 and control back in Episode 48, so one or all of those will be helpful to check out (depending on your situation). OK, next…

If you’re ready, identify the root cause and work on that — and I say “if you’re ready” because I’m well aware that you might need to do a fair bit of work to move from denial to acceptance before you’re ready and willing to start poking around in the dark corners of your mind to work on traumatic stuff, but I’m also not going to sit here and pretend that it isn’t the healthy thing to do because it is; it’s also a lot of hard work, and really I’m going to have to sound like a broken record here and highly recommend that you do this kind of work with a professional, like a qualified counsellor or therapist, so that you don’t wind up making things worse for yourself… but, when you are ready to do the work, you’ll find that it helps you to look at the bigger picture and to move forward (and I’ve covered some related episodes in the past: fear in Episode 10, shame in Episode 71, triggers in Episode 91 and trauma in Episode 118). 

OK, now I want to give a few general tips if you’re supporting someone else who may be in denial about their situation, starting with:

No judgement — because you can never fully know what someone’s going through or how they ended up in the position they’re in

Be understanding — and that means to understand that their journey will take as long as it takes, and you cannot force them to do something they don’t want to do

Be supportive — because being there for someone is priceless, and even if they don’t fully appreciate it at the moment I can guarantee you that at some point in the future they definitely will

Listen — and that means to really listen and hear what the person is saying, without judgement or prejudice

Give them time — understand that it may take them time to see what you see

Don’t enforce your choices — because we each have our own unique way of processing the world around us and within us, so your approach or life choices may not be the same as theirs

Be there for them — which might be as simple as dropping off some supplies to them or maybe offering to go with them to talk to a professional if and when they’re ready

And take care of yourself — by ensuring that you protect and take care of your own needs as well; supporting someone else can take a lot out of you, and so you need to look after yourself (and I covered supporting others back in Episode 79). 

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to denial and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: it’s common for many of us to deny reality sometimes, especially when the truth is painful or it involves things that we just don’t want to know, but that doesn’t change the fact that reality is reality; you can deny it all you like, but all you’re doing is harming yourself (and possibly others as well). Being able to confront denial and work through it, so that you can face the truth of a situation or event, allows you to begin to make your peace with whatever it is so that you can slowly work towards acceptance and find a healthy way to move forward with your life in spite of your challenges and issues. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes… but choosing to accept the truth is the first step in healing.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Denying what you feel will not make it go away; it ensures that it never gets resolved.” Unknown 

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about overwhelm. Have you ever had one of those times where it feels like there is so much going on that you just cannot bring yourself to do anything, and wind up retreating into your shell? Maybe it even happens when there’s not a lot going on, but you just feel overwhelmed in general. Overwhelm is a common symptom of anxiety and it’s definitely one I know firsthand (unfortunately!) and since I’ve been doing a lot of work on learning how to manage it over the last few months I felt like this was a good opportunity to talk about here on my podcast. So, next time I’ll be talking about what overwhelm is (and what it isn’t), why dealing with overwhelm matters, and how to cope with being overwhelmed in a healthy way.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 4th of September, 2022. 

In the meantime, you’ll find more content about better mental health in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One); you can buy it now in print or eBook from Amazon or buy the eBook from Apple Books and it’s linked in the episode description, or visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Watch my weekly videos on YouTube for more tips on better mental health, plus sign up to my mailing list for my free weekly newsletter, Thursday Thoughts, where I share a quick dose of inspiration (and those are all linked in the episode description).

And if you find my content helpful then I’d love it if you joined me on Patreon where I offer exclusive benefits for my supporters. Plus you can find me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth and say hi!

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2022 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.