Let’s Talk About… Impatience

By Jeremy Godwin

What is impatience, and how do you manage it in a healthy way? That’s what I’m talking about this week on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 21 August, 2022.

Hello and welcome to Episode 145, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about impatience and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I talk about looking after your mental health. I spent most of the 2010’s dealing with severe anxiety and depression, after a breakdown in late 2011, and that led me to want to learn more about my mental health… so I went back to school and studied psychology and sociology, and now I share simple tips for how to improve your mental wellbeing, from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through mental health challenges. Each episode I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what impatience is, why understanding it matters, and how to manage impatience in a healthy way. 

Before we start, you’ll find even more tips in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), which is available now to help you work on improving your mental health at any time of the day or night at your own pace! Buy it in print from Amazon worldwide or as an eBook from Amazon and Apple Books, and it’s linked in the episode description.

Alright, let’s talk about impatience!

Introduction

When The Supremes sang, “you can’t hurry love, no you just have to wait…” back in 1966, do you think they were dealing with an enormous case of impatience? Because it sure sounded like it! Now, considering that it is one of the all-time greatest songs of the 20th century (and we’re just going to pretend that the Phil Collins ill-conceived cover version never happened because, well, it pales against the original), and also considering that this great song includes the line, “I grow impatient for a love to call my own,” I’d say it’s a fair bet that The Supremes — like most of us, if not all of us — were very familiar with feeling impatient from time to time.

You might have heard people say that being more patient leads to success and thought, “well that’s great, but who has time to wait for that?!”… and if so, I hear you! I’m hardly the world’s most patient person (try driving in front of me 20 under the speed limit and you’ll find out how impatient I can be!) but I’m also focusing on how to be less impatient in life because, frankly, it’s not great; when you find yourself getting impatient and annoyed it can bring you unnecessary stress (especially where it’s because you have a lack of control — like when it’s to do with what someone else is doing or not doing). Focusing on learning how to be less impatient is one of those mental health tips that might sound annoying, because it’s a bit of a “well, der” piece of advice because it sounds obvious… but I’m going to guess you wouldn’t be listening to this episode if you didn’t find yourself getting impatient and annoyed at least a little sometimes, would you?!

Now if this topic seems slightly familiar to regular listeners, that’s probably because I covered ‘patience’ back in Episode 64 and so maybe you’re wondering why I’m covering the other side of that conversation now? There are two reasons. First, that episode was released in January 2021 which was back when I was still optimistic that the pandemic wasn’t going to drag on longer than a soap-opera cliffhanger (to be fair, maybe this has all just been a bad dream and now Blain’s evil twin brother will come back from the dead to turn back time… but it’s not likely). And my second reason for covering impatience is that it’s a very different discussion than the one about patience, in terms of seeking to understand what sits underneath feeling impatient in order to better understand how to approach it. Either way, I will say upfront that if you enjoy this episode then you’ll also find Episode 64 about patience helpful afterwards, because it will guide you to continue your journey towards being a calmer and more patient person (meanwhile I’m still stuck on Level 1 of trying to defeat the impatience monster myself because some of us, myself included, are far more familiar with impatience than we would like to be or we might care to admit!). 

So let’s explore some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What is impatience?

And the Oxford Dictionary defines ‘impatient’ as “having or showing a tendency to be quickly irritated or provoked,” which for some reason I found irritating so I’m assuming that my picture is about to be added to the dictionary alongside that definition! It’s also defined as being restlessly eager, and that’s the thing with impatience: it’s possible to feel impatient in a positively-focused way just as much as it is to feel it because you’re irritated about something. 

Think of the excitement that some people, children especially, might have about big events like Christmas if they celebrate it; I was one of those kids who became more and more excited in the lead-up to the big day, and I could never resist the temptation of peeking at the presents under the Christmas tree which meant they ended up having to be hidden from me until Christmas morning to make sure that I didn’t accidentally-on-purpose open one (or all) of them before I was supposed to. 

As I grew into adulthood that sense of having trouble waiting for things and getting irritated by delays and inconveniences stuck with me, and now in my mid-40’s it’s something that I’m still working on little by little because, frankly, it’s not who I want to be and it certainly doesn’t help when it comes to managing anxiety (which I’ll come back to shortly).

Anyway, the point I’m making here is that there are a few different types of impatience: there’s impatience related to our day-to-day circumstances (like being forced to wait in line at the supermarket), there’s the type that’s related to our relationships with other people (like dealing with someone’s irritating habits), and then there’s also the bigger-picture life stuff, like working towards a goal or waiting for the outcome of a legal matter etc. Your ability to stay calm is completely your responsibility, and it’s important to understand that allowing impatience to take over and influence your words and actions can have negative consequences on a situation or relationship. In general, choosing to work through any feelings of impatience so that you can be more calm and thoughtful is going to be far more helpful than losing your temper… and so the choice is yours.

However, I will make one exception to that statement about impatience before we go any further: the one type of situation I don’t expect myself to stop being impatient about is when someone says something like “we need to talk tomorrow” without any context. For someone living with anxiety that is like a golden opportunity for me to go into mental-meltdown mode, because the ego will immediately begin to try and work out what the issue could be and it will usually settle on the worst-case-scenario; if that ever happens to you, just be upfront and say “I’m prone to worry and overthinking, so if you could let me know what the conversation is about that would be helpful, or if we could have a quick chat now that would be better.” Personally I don’t think that’s impatience; more of a sense of self-protection and assertiveness rolled into one.

OK, so with all of that in mind now let’s talk about…

Why understanding impatience matters

And it matters because it can be damaging to your mood, your relationships and your health. To quote an article from Big Think:

“… impatience doesn’t just put you in a bad mood; it can have physical implications, too. When you’re impatient, your stress hormones (like cortisol and adrenaline) soar, blood vessels constrict, and the acid in your stomach increases, resulting in a state of physiological stress… [as] far as psychological impacts go, impatience can cause you to feel irritable, anxious, and snappy. You say things you regret. You simply don’t adjust to the flow of life — you’re always trying to push it and make things go according to the way you want, versus learning how to harmonize with the flow of things…”

And you’ll find that article linked in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes which is available in English, Spanish and Italian (find it here: https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/curb-your-impatience/). 

Here’s the reality: life is full of annoyances and irritations, and we can either let them bug the hell out of us or we can make conscious choices to rise above it and let it just be water off a duck’s back. Now, I am not for one second suggesting it’s as simple as just making that choice and then forever living in a land of candy canes and fairy floss — if only! The fact is that this is a choice you’re probably going to have to make every day, maybe even many times a day, in order to remind yourself of your priorities; if given a choice between prioritising peace of mind and calm, versus prioritising how you can dial up the drama in your life by letting impatience take the reins, I hope it’s fairly obvious which one is the healthier option (just to be clear, it’s the peace of mind one… the other one will make your head explode!).

I’m not going to lie; patience is a tough skill to master… but when it comes down to it, it’s actually part of a much deeper conversation about whether you react to things happening in your life and around you or if you choose to stop, think and then respond thoughtfully… because it’s your reaction or response that shapes what happens next. Let’s be honest here and say that a lot of the time things happen that justifiably test our patience — like the person who pulls out in front of you and then proceeds to drive 20 under the speed limit (yes, it just happened to me the other week)… but it’s your response that matters, because that’s what shapes your reality. If you lose your cool whenever someone does something stupid then you’re going to find it tougher and tougher to cultivate a sense of calm in your life.

We live in a society where time is measured in nanoseconds, where we’re expected to be ‘on’ 24/7 and where we start having heart palpitations if our online shopping order takes more than 24 hours to turn up. But, really, you have to ask yourself this question: will being impatient change anything? No. No it won’t. Impatience doesn’t make the thing happen any faster, and it just adds extra stress which isn’t going to be particularly helpful (especially if you have anxiety, because then it’s like a red rag to a bull and you may find that it sends your anxiety into overdrive).

Let’s think about time and patience in the context of space. No, seriously. Space is this vast, seemingly-endless place where it’s not about days, weeks or months, but instead things change slowly over millennia and eons. Now, I’m certainly not saying you should learn to be that patient (and listen here Australia Post: if you start taking eons to deliver my shopping then we’re going to have words!) but thinking about the bigger picture really does help you to put things into perspective; most of the stuff we allow to frustrate us on a day-to-day basis really doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things, and you probably won’t remember it in five months, let alone five years. There are many different ways to manage impatience, but I really do think that it begins and ends with being able to pull back from the specific situation and consider the bigger picture… because that can put things into context and help to refocus your attention.

So, what else can you do? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of this episode and let’s talk about…

How to manage impatience in a healthy way

OK, let’s begin with focus on what actually matters — which basically just takes the comment I just made about the big picture and helps you to refocus your energy on your own life. There will always be 84 million things competing for your attention and so you have to make some choices about where your focus goes, because you cannot possibly do it all. So take time on a regular basis to revisit your priorities and make sure that you’re clear on the stuff that matters to you; if it matters then make it matter, and if it doesn’t then let it go. I talked about priorities back in Episode 3 and letting go in Episode 32 if you’d like to explore those in more detail. OK, next…

Breathe — because impatience and frustration are emotional responses, and when your emotions are heightened what happens is that your brain can kind-of hijack all rational thought for a few seconds; if you just react to your emotions, then you’re going to wind up doing or saying something you’ll probably regret later. Instead, just pause and gently breathe for at least ten seconds (longer if you’re really worked up) so that your logical and rational mind can catch up with your feelings. Why? Because that’s what you need for my next point, which is…

Ask yourself why you’re being impatient — and if you try doing that when your emotions are in red-alert mode you’ll find it hard to see that bigger picture I talked about before. When you do feel a bit calmer, think about this: is this situation life or death? If it is, then by all means please stop listening to this podcast and run for your life. But if you’re not being chased by lions and tigers and bears (oh my) then here’s your chance to dig a bit deeper and build greater self awareness so that you can respond in a more thoughtful way to whatever you’re really feeling. For example, I might get annoyed when I’m stuck behind a slow driver but often it’s because I’ve crammed too much into my diary for the day and so I feel rushed; so no wonder I feel impatient, because I’m stressed about being busy! Instead of taking that out on the world I can instead choose to find a more balanced approach to my workload so that I’m not overwhelmed by the slightest inconvenience. See the difference? When you know what is really going on, you can address the root cause instead of just putting a band-aid over the symptom and wondering why it keeps on happening! OK, next…

Focus on what is within your direct control — because most of the stuff that we become impatient about is so far out of our direct control that you’d need the James Webb Space Telescope to see it (I know, that’s a lame joke but hey… there’s nothing you can do about it because I’ve said it now!). Instead of getting caught up in the stuff you can’t control, ask yourself what you can control; in other words, what can you do or say? Because that’s what helps you to reframe your focus from the negative to the positive, from problem to solution, and that can help you to approach the situation more calmly. For example, if you’re stuck behind a slow driver and you know it’s at least five minutes until you reach a spot where you can overtake then that sounds like the perfect opportunity to practice your karaoke stylings to Beyoncé’s Break My Soul (which is precisely what I did in the situation I told you about earlier — yes, I did indeed release the wiggle!). And that leads to my next point…

Use the wait — because waiting is inevitable sometimes, and like the Borg said in Star Trek: resistance is futile (and I covered resistance in Episode 65 and probably made that joke in that episode too). Back when I lived in Melbourne, my doctor was a lovely guy — one of the kindest ones I’ve ever met — but he couldn’t run on time to save his life; I even once tried booking in the first appointment of the day and he STILL ran 35 minutes late, even though he was there at opening time. My point is that there are always going to be situations where things are out of your control and you end up having to wait; you can either let it send you into an impatient meltdown or you can plan ahead and use the time to your benefit. Listen to a podcast (like this one!), catch up on some work, take a book with you that you’ve been meaning to read (oh look, I have one of those too! It’s linked in the episode description!). If you know you’re likely to be delayed or have to wait, use the time to do something pleasant just for you. After all, how often do you get to just sit and read? I don’t know about you but I like to use time stuck in traffic to turn my car into a mobile karaoke bar… you do you, but just remember that it’s the mindset you choose that influences how you feel, so you can either choose to see a delay as an inconvenience or as an opportunity. Alright, next…

Distract yourself — and this can be a nice and easy way to do a little ‘bait and switch’ on yourself by turning your focus to something else if you’re getting impatient. Go for a walk, play a short game on your phone, read an inspiring email newsletter (like my free weekly one, Thursday Thoughts; you can subscribe to it at the link in the episode description)… the point here is that when you choose to turn your focus to something else, it can give your emotions time to simmer down before you do or say anything that you might regret later!

OK, so those points were about dealing with impatience in-the-moment. Now I want to shift gears and talk about how to take a more preventative, long-term approach to tackling impatience, starting with… 

Planning — because when you plan, you become more proactive about tackling things that can contribute to impatience; in the words of late US President John F. Kennedy, “The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” Think about what you need to do and allow yourself plenty of time to get things done, because rushing can tend to aggravate any impatient tendencies you might have (especially if you’re prone to anxiety; any day I’m running late is a day I can guarantee I’ll become impatient and frustrated until I feel like I’m back on track). I covered planning in Episode 113 so check that out for more tips, and this one actually leads into my next point which is…

Take things one step at a time — because often impatience is associated with overwhelm, so stop multitasking or getting too far ahead of yourself (or both) and just focus on one thing at a time. Break things down into their smallest possible steps and focus on just the step you need to do now, and consciously slow down so that you don’t become overwhelmed by anxious energy (and I covered slowing down in Episode 140). OK, next…

Set daily intentions — and this has been a really helpful one for me over the past couple of months, and in fact I just covered intentions in Episode 143 because I’m finding them really helpful in terms of making conscious choices each day to focus on what I do want rather than allowing what I don’t want to take control. If you want to be more calm and have greater peace of mind then you need to consciously choose to focus on creating that mindset every day, and I explain how to do that in the intentions episode I just mentioned. OK, next… 

Practice waiting — and this one may make your head explode, but hear me out… if you can choose small things to make yourself wait for, and you build on that over time, you’ll slowly get more and more used to consciously choosing patience over impatience. I’ve been doing this when I shop online; if there’s an option between express delivery and regular, I’m choosing the regular unless it’s a genuinely urgent need… not only am I saving money on shipping and reducing my carbon footprint, but I’m also teaching myself the joy of delayed gratification and patience (which I’m finding makes it easier to appreciate things more). OK, next…

Accept that some things will just take time — because no amount of huffing and puffing and foot-stomping will change the fact that you can’t have everything immediately in life. The same goes for dealing with our challenges; I’m sure most of us would love to just find the magic cure for the issues we might be dealing with but it doesn’t work that way. There was one time where someone messaged me asking for suggestions about their situation and I shared a few general tips then finished my response with “and accept that all things take time, effort and perseverance so you’ll need to be patient” (you know, that thing I say about 64 times a week on this show!), and even though they were lovely and kind about it in their response I could tell that wasn’t the answer they were hoping for, because what they really wanted was for me to give them a quick way of dealing with it now and that just wasn’t going to happen because life doesn’t work like that! We have to accept that some things (in fact, I’d say most things) take time, and so you can either let yourself be distracted and frustrated by impatience, or you can accept the inevitable waiting game that comes with growth and choose to take things one day at a time. In the words of William A. Ward, “judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” OK, next…

Listen to your body — because there are lots of physical factors that can contribute to feeling impatient and frustrated such as dehydration, tiredness, hunger… yes, being ‘hangry’ really is a thing (if you’re not familiar with that term, it means being so hungry that you end up feeling cranky and angry). Look after yourself and stay on top of your basic biological needs, because that can help you to maintain a more stable mood which, in turn, helps you to manage challenging situations more thoughtfully. OK, next…

Get support — because working through impatience takes effort and that’s something that you don’t have to do on your own; speak with a professional, like a counsellor or therapist, who can help you to dig into things and explore different approaches. And I’ll say that if you’re prone to emotional sensitivity or mood swings (or both) then it’s going to be especially helpful to work with a professional because they can take more of a big-picture view of things with you so you can find ways to manage impatient tendencies.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to impatience and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Patience is a mindset. You get to choose what you do with your feelings, and so the more you learn how to be patient the more you’ll be able to find greater peace of mind. The thing is that most of what we get impatient about is out of our control, and so trying to control it is wasted energy; make your peace with what you cannot control and let it go so you can focus on what you can control, which is you and what you choose to do and say (because that shapes what happens next).

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Don’t rush things. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.” 

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about denial. Denial is a funny old thing because it’s fairly common for we human beings to deny the reality of things that we might not want to know, mainly because we don’t want to have to face reality, but that doesn’t change the fact that what is is what is… and so being able to push past the denial (which is mainly a self-protection mechanism) to then confront the truth of a situation helps us to better handle the issue in the long-term… and I want to explore all of that as part of a conversation that will probably be fairly blunt, but which I promise to also be sensitive with. So, next time I’ll be talking about what denial is (and what it isn’t), why understanding the impact of denial matters, and how to manage denial in a healthy way (and by that I mean your own denial as well as other people’s).

I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 28th of August, 2022. 

In the meantime, you’ll find more content about better mental health in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One); you can buy it now in print or eBook from Amazon or buy the eBook from Apple Books and it’s linked in the episode description, or visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Watch my weekly videos on YouTube for more tips on better mental health, plus sign up to my mailing list for my free weekly newsletter, Thursday Thoughts, where I share a quick dose of inspiration (and those are all linked in the episode description).

And if you find my content helpful then I’d love it if you joined me on Patreon where I offer exclusive benefits for my supporters. Plus you can find me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth and say hi!

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2022 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.