Sick of trying to stop people pleasing, and then folding the moment someone pushes back? In this episode I’ll show you how to keep your boundaries without over-explaining, guilt, or drama, so you can back yourself and protect your peace. So, Let’s Talk About Mental Health!

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Episode Overview:

Do you want to stop people pleasing, but struggle to keep your boundaries? If you tend to stress or panic the second someone reacts negatively to your boundaries, this episode is for you.

This week in the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast, I’m focusing on “the wobble moment” that often comes from boundary pushback. If you know how to say no but struggle with boundary setting when guilt, tension, or persistence shows up, this episode will help you keep your boundaries without drama. 

I’ll break down why people pleasing in relationships often comes from fear of conflict, conflict avoidance, and fear of disappointing people, and how that leads to over-explaining, self-abandonment, and feeling stuck in your own head. You’ll learn practical mental health tips for setting boundaries and holding boundaries in a calmer, clearer way, so you can stop people pleasing and keep your boundaries even when someone doesn’t like it. And if you keep thinking “why can’t I set boundaries?” or you feel you can’t say no because of guilt when saying no, I’ll show you how to be more assertive while still being a decent human being.

👉 Ready to keep your boundaries and back yourself under pressure? Then let’s talk!

💡 TL;DR: If you’re trying to stop people pleasing but tend to give in when someone pushes back on your boundary, this episode is for you. I’ll show you how to keep your boundaries so you can back yourself more and protect your peace. 🙂

New here? Hi! Let’s Talk About Mental Health is your weekly dose of practical mental health advice for real life. I’m Jeremy Godwin (hello! 👋) and I keep things simple, honest, and doable so you can feel more in control of your life and your mental wellbeing. If you’re not already a free subscriber, sign up below to have episodes and transcripts land in your inbox every Sunday:

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Episode Transcript:

Stop people pleasing and keep your boundaries

It’s time to stop people pleasing.

Because the hardest part of learning how to stop people pleasing isn’t saying no… it’s holding the ‘no’ when someone doesn’t like it.

If you find it tough to keep your boundaries when someone gets disappointed, persistent, or annoyed, this episode is for you. I’m going to show you how to say no without over-explaining or abandoning yourself under pressure.

So let’s talk about… sticking to your boundaries.

Hello and welcome back to Let’s Talk About Mental Health! I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this show is all about practical mental health advice for real life. Today we’re talking about something that sounds pretty simple on paper, but actually feels very different in real life, and that’s learning how to stop people pleasing by keeping your boundaries when someone pushes back. Because plenty of us can manage to say no in a calm moment… but when disappointment shows up, or the pressure ramps up, or someone starts negotiating as though your boundary is optional, that’s when things get messy. And that’s exactly the moment we’re going to focus on in this episode: the moment that your boundary gets challenged, after you’ve already set it, and you have that ‘ wobble moment’ that makes it really hard to stand your ground. We’ll discuss how you work through that so that you don’t wind up sacrificing your own needs.

Now, I’ve actually already talked about the power of saying no back in Episode 105, along with how to say no without feeling guilty in Episode 258. Those are linked in the description, as well as one that I did about boundaries that I’ll mention later on, and if you want to explore those topics further, go for it. Today we’re going to focus on that really specific thing that happens when the pushback arrives, and how to stay calm and clear without turning it into conflict.

And for anyone new here, I’m Jeremy, I’m a counsellor, and I’ve also had to learn this stuff the hard way in my own life… because I used to think that being easygoing and agreeable was a desirable personality trait in order to avoid conflict, when really, a lot of the time, it was just me avoiding the discomfort of saying no.

So let’s explore what boundary pushback looks and feels like, why it affects your mental health, and how to keep your boundaries without giving in under pressure. So first, let’s talk about…

What does maintaining boundaries mean?

So this episode isn’t just ‘setting boundaries’ in a general sense; I already covered that in Episode 248. This is about what happens after you set a boundary: the ‘wobble moment’ after you say no, which is that split second where someone reacts or objects and it makes it tough for you to stick to your boundary. Now… it usually doesn’t look massive and dramatic; I mean, it can, but not usually.

And it’s rarely ever you shouting, “Fine, I’ll do it!” and then storming off to do the thing under duress while you slowly plot your revenge. Genuinely, it’s a lot subtler than that. It’s you, in the moment, hearing their disappointment and instantly trying to fix it because you don’t want to hurt or upset them. It’s you seeing their irritation and going, “Oh no, I’ve done something wrong.” It’s them asking you again after you’ve already said no, and you then feeling a growing sense of obligation to turn your ‘no’ into a ‘maybe’. And it could also be you thinking, “I don’t want this to become a whole thing,” and so then you start bargaining against yourself just to keep the peace.

Boundary pushback can take a lot of forms. Sometimes it’s really obvious; things like guilt trips, putting pressure on you, raised voices, sulking, passive aggressive comments, or someone acting as though you’ve betrayed them. But a lot of the time it’s softer and more subtle. It’s the long pause. It’s the, “Oh, OK.” It’s the tiny change in tone. It’s the look that says, Really?!

That type of tiny signal or little pushback can really hit you like a massive alarm. So the ‘wobble moment’ is basically where your nervous system goes, “Oh, this is unsafe,” even though nothing is actually physically unsafe. What is unsafe in your mind, in your nervous system, is the emotion, the tension, the possibility of conflict, the fear of being judged or rejected or being seen as selfish.

And your brain tries to solve that discomfort the fastest way it knows how: people pleasing. That’s why you can be completely rational and logical about what’s happening in your head, telling yourself things like, “I’m allowed to say no,” “This is a very reasonable boundary,” “I’m exhausted,” “I’m busy,” “I can’t keep doing this,” and yet still you get a bit of pushback and you find yourself folding quicker than origami.

Because the people pleasing response isn’t primarily about logic. It’s about safety and belonging. Really, it’s about avoiding that internal feeling of, “Uh oh, we’re in trouble!” whenever someone isn’t happy with you. So maintaining your boundaries means knowing that when you give in under pushback, it doesn’t feel like a choice. It feels like relief, like you’ve prevented a problem. But then later, maybe it’s 10 minutes later, maybe it’s next week when it happens again, that’s when you feel the cost of giving in. You feel resentful and annoyed, and often you feel disappointed in yourself.

Sticking to your boundaries is about being clear, calm, and consistent. It’s not turning your ‘no’ into a debate just because someone reacts. Because yes, you can care about someone and still keep your boundaries. It doesn’t make you mean or unfair. Your needs matter, and if you don’t look after them then who will? You can still be a kind person and stop people pleasing. They are not mutually exclusive.

We’ll discuss how to do that shortly. But first, let’s talk about…

Why you feel guilty about setting boundaries

And it’s because the ‘wobble moment’ I mentioned before isn’t just about whatever’s going on right in front of you. It presses on something much, much deeper: your sense of safety, belonging, and worth. When someone pushes back on your boundaries, your brain can often interpret it as, “Oh, I’ve done something wrong,” or “Uh oh, I’m about to be rejected,” or, “Uh, this is going to turn into conflict… and I cannot handle that.” And once your nervous system flips into that threat response, your ability to think clearly plummets lower than a crooked politician’s approval ratings. When that happens, you’re not calmly choosing your words anymore. You’re simply trying to survive the discomfort.

That’s where guilt and over-explaining usually show up like uninvited guests at a pretty grim party to cause mayhem and madness. ‘Guilt’ is the feeling that you’ve harmed someone, or that you’ve failed some sort of invisible standard of being good or nice or easy or useful. Meanwhile, ‘over-explaining’ is what we do when we don’t fully trust that we’re allowed to have a boundary in the first place. We start presenting our ‘no’ and the reasons for it like we’re arguing a court case; you know, we bring evidence, we try to make the other person agree with our version of events, and we might even try to manage their emotions so that we don’t have to sit in the tension and discomfort of them being unhappy with us.

Here’s what’s going on internally when all of this stuff happens. If you’ve learned, often early in life, that other people’s moods are your responsibility, then disappointment from someone else can feel like danger. If you’ve grown up around unpredictable reactions, anger, silent treatment, withdrawal, or emotional manipulation, then pushback doesn’t just feel like pushback… it can feel like punishment. And even if your current relationships aren’t abusive or unsafe, your nervous system doesn’t always update itself in real time and it often reacts based on old wiring.

For me, it’s taken many years of work to stop reacting the way that I did when I was growing up with an abusive mother… but a sudden, loud car horn will still make me jump out of my skin.

Externally, there are also social rules at play when it comes to all of this stuff, right? So, lots of cultures and family systems reward self-sacrifice and tend to label ‘boundaries’ as being selfish nonsense. Workplaces often do that as well, and tend to also promote the people who always say ‘yes’. Some relationships, friends, romantic relationships, whatever, unconsciously depend on you being the reliable one.

So when you stop people pleasing, it can disrupt the role that you’ve been playing for a long time… and people will often push back on that; not because you’re doing something wrong, but because the dynamic is changing and that makes them uncomfortable, or it inconveniences them because they’re no longer able to take advantage of your lack of boundaries.

This is where the mental health cost stacks up. So if you constantly give in, you’re teaching yourself that your needs don’t matter as much as keeping the peace; in other words, other people’s needs matter more than yours, right? And that’s how you build resentment, it’s how you burn out, you lose trust in yourself, and you can even start to feel anxious before you even open your mouth to speak to certain people… because your brain already knows what’s probably coming: pressure, disappointment, and then you having to try to manage it. That is emotionally exhausting.

If you keep abandoning yourself to keep other people comfortable though, then you will eventually become uncomfortable in your own life… and you’ll be teaching others that all they have to do is push you a little further if they want to get their own way. The fact is that other people may not love your boundaries, and they may feel inconvenienced by them, but that’s precisely why you need them. Because if you don’t decide on what you will and will not accept in your life, other people will decide for you. And let’s be honest here, you’re probably not going to be thrilled about what they decide!

Now, you can set boundaries in a kind and thoughtful way, and they are a massive and fundamental part of better mental health. Someone can be disappointed and you can still be doing the right thing. Their feelings are real and valid, but so are yours… and their feelings are not instructions that you have to follow.

So how do you do all of that stuff? Well, we’re about to dig into the practical side of sticking to your boundaries right after this quick ad break…

[AD BREAK]

And welcome back! So now let’s talk about…

How to keep your boundaries

Now, I just want to make this really clear upfront: we’re not aiming for you to set boundaries that are so rigid and self-focused that you become stubborn or mean or harsh. We’re aiming for you to become consistent, self-respecting, and respectful of others… because that’s what it looks like to stop people pleasing in real life.

So my first couple of tips are for the exact moment that someone pushes back; in other words, when you feel ‘the wobble’ hit you and you’re most likely to fold. First…

Spot the pushback pattern.

When someone pushes back on your boundary, the first job is not to suddenly have some sort of brilliant response. It’s to recognise what’s happening. Pushback tends to follow a pattern: guilt, urgency, persistence, minimising, or emotional pressure. When you can spot the pattern in the moment, that’s when you can stop treating it like a personal emergency that you absolutely have to fix at all costs.

So instead of rushing to explain yourself, instead label it in your head. “This is a guilt hook.” “This is urgency pressure.” “This is negotiation mode.” Then, take a couple of slow breaths and remind yourself: pushback is not proof you’re wrong; it’s proof the dynamic is changing. That pause is where your choice lives. Next…

Repeat, don’t defend.

The fastest way to lose a boundary is to turn your ‘no’ into a debate. People pleasing often shows up as ‘presentation mode’, so you start offering reasons, evidence, disclaimers, and context… as if your boundary requires the approval of others. But it doesn’t. Provided you’re being fair and respectful of others, and of yourself, what you choose to do or not do is entirely up to you.

Look, the goal is not to get the other person to agree with you here. The goal is to keep your boundaries, even when someone else doesn’t like it. So, calmly repeat your boundary with minimal variation: “I hear you; it’s still a no,” or “I understand; I’m not available,” or “I get it; that doesn’t work for me.” Then stop talking. If it’s awkward, let it be a bit awkward. Silence is OK, because silence is where your people-pleasing brain often gets uncomfortable and decides that it needs to launch a full BBC documentary series to explain itself… and we are not doing that today!

A useful rule to keep in mind is this: if you hear yourself about to add a ‘but’, pause instead. Because ‘but’ is often the doorway back to giving in.

Alright, so now we’re going to move into some actions for you to practice over the next couple of weeks to make that ‘wobble moment’ easier to handle. These are basically ‘make it simpler next time’ skills. First…

Write boundary scripts for yourself.

Now, I know earlier I said, “you don’t need to have the perfect phrase,” and this is not necessarily about that, but… it’s about recognising that, in the wobble moment, your brain isn’t trying to produce a perfect boundary; it’s simply trying to produce relief. Right? And so that’s the mental equivalent of throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks; you’re often going to wing it and end up with a big old mess that you’re going to have to clean up later on. It’s why you go blank, or you tend to over explain, or you start negotiating against yourself.

So let’s just make it easier for you: write out some simple scripts for your top three most common tricky situations; the real ones that keep on happening in your life. Give yourself three short lines that you can recite if and when you need to: one for the boundary, one for the pushback, and one for exiting the conversation if it keeps going. So for example, the first one might be: “I can’t do that.” Then, “I understand; it’s still a no.” And then, “I’m going to go now; we can talk later.”

The point isn’t to sound rehearsed; it’s to stop your nervous system from dragging you straight back into old people pleasing habits, which is really hard to do when you’re running on pure emotions. So if you have those scripts up your sleeve, that you know by heart, that way you don’t have to think about them and you can just trot them out and buy yourself the space that you need. So write those scripts, practice them, and then use them if and when you need to. OK, next…

Empathy, not explanations.

Alright, so a lot of people tend to fold when it comes to boundaries because they confuse ‘kindness’ with ‘compliance’. They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, and so they explain and then eventually they soften and then they give in. Right?

So the middle path is empathy without surrender: you acknowledge the feelings of others, and you keep the boundary.So you can use this simple formula: empathy line plus boundary repeat. For example: “I get that this is frustrating. I’m still not able to do that.” Or, “I know you’re disappointed. I’m still not available.” Or you could say, “I can see you really want me to say yes. It’s still a no.” Short, calm, clear.

Just remember: their feelings are real and valid, but so are yours… and their feelings are not mandatory instructions that you have to follow at all costs. OK, next…

Drop the ‘sorry’ loop.

This is a big one to practice over the next couple of weeks. Say no without apologising, or say what you need to without apologising. Or if you really must, one single clean apology. If you’ve watched the UK ‘Traitors’, the amount of times that they apologise to one another when they’re voting is insane! Love that show, but please stop apologising for things that you are there to do! Anyway, don’t know how I got onto that! I’m obsessed with The Traitors, by the way, the UK version and the Canadian version, so. Well… and the Australian and the New Zealand. Alright… moving on!

So… repeated apologising often communicates uncertainty, even if you don’t mean it to, right? And so uncertainty is actually like oxygen for pushback. It signals that, “If you keep pressing me, I just might budge on this.” So instead, practice cleaner language: “I can’t,” “That won’t work for me,” “I’m not available.” Short, sharp, straightforward.

You’re not being rude. You’re being clear. And being clear protects your peace far more than overcommitting ever will.

Alright… so now let’s talk through some longer-term changes for the next few months and beyond, so you can rebuild your relationship with yourself. This is where you stop relying on willpower alone and start changing the deeper wiring underneath people pleasing. So, first…

Know what your boundary is protecting.

Holding your boundaries gets much easier when your ‘no’ has a very clear purpose, because guilt absolutely loves to make you feel like your boundary is selfish or unnecessary. But when you know what it’s protecting, like your time, your energy, your health, your recovery, your mental space, that’s when you’re not just refusing a request… you’re choosing what matters.

So I want you to pick three non-negotiables and write the honest reason for them underneath each one. For example, “I protect my evenings because I need decompression.” “I protect my weekends because I need time to rest and recover.” “I protect my mental space because I spiral when I’m overloaded.” And then when pushback happens, remind yourself: this boundary is protecting something real.

And remember: you can care about the other person and still keep your boundaries. Next…

Practice safe discomfort.

This is the long-term skill that changes everything: learning to tolerate the discomfort of someone being unhappy with you, without fixing it by abandoning yourself. For a lot of people, people pleasing isn’t about being too nice… it’s actually about discomfort feeling just intolerable. A sigh, a sulk, a change of tone can begin to feel like danger… and your body and mind wants that to stop immediately.

So… you need to retrain your nervous system in small steps, bit by bit. Hold a basic boundary. Feel the discomfort rise. Breathe through it slowly. Let the urge to explain come and go. Let the other person have their reaction. Then, notice: you survived it. And each time you do this, you build evidence for yourself that you can keep your boundaries and stay connected to yourself.

Now… if you want to go deeper on discomfort and why it’s part of growth, Episode 239 is a great one to listen to; it helps you to make sense of why this stuff feels so hard, even when you logically know that you’re allowed to say no.

So those are the tips for this episode. Take your time working through them and be kind to yourself while you do. Remember, you can always find all the tips I share in the episode transcript on my website at: ltamh.com/episodes. If you join my free mailing list you’ll get it in your inbox every Sunday, and that’s linked in the description below.

Conclusion

So here’s what I want you to take away from this episode. In order to stop people pleasing, it’s not enough to just say no once. The real change is learning how to keep your boundaries when someone pushes back, without overexplaining and without abandoning yourself under pressure.

So here’s a question for you: what would backing yourself more look like in practice?

Because when you boil it all down, keeping your boundaries is how you show yourself you matter… even when someone else doesn’t like it.

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is…

People will continue to do what you allow. You get to decide what is and what isn’t allowed in your life.

Unknown

Let me repeat that:

Alright… that’s it for this week! Support my show by giving it a like and sharing it with someone who’ll find it helpful. And join my Patreon for early ad-free episodes and extras. It’s linked below.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world… because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program. Discover more at ltamh.com.

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2026 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.