Do you find yourself constantly agreeing to things you’d much rather decline? In this episode, I’m talking about learning how to master the art of saying no. So, let’s talk! 😃

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LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

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Show Notes

Episode Description:

Do you find it difficult to say no? Do you feel guilty about setting boundaries? In this episode, I explore the art of saying no without the guilt trip. We’ll dive into why setting boundaries can be so challenging and how shifting your mindset can make all the difference. If you often find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’, and you’re ready to reclaim your time and energy without all the nagging guilt, let’s talk!

Episode Release Date:

November 17th, 2024

Key Points:

• What saying no without feeling guilty means
• Why it’s important to prioritise your own needs
• How saying no impacts your mental health and wellbeing
• Practical tips for saying no confidently and kindly
• The role of assertiveness and setting boundaries in your life

Mentioned in this Episode (links open in new window):

• Episode 242: How to Be More Assertive  
• Episode 248: How to Set Healthy Boundaries
• Daily affirmations for better mental health (available in my store) 
• Link to my YouTube channel for additional content (new videos every Wednesday)

Quote of the Week:

“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” — Unknown

Call to Action:

How do you say no without feeling guilty? Share your thoughts in the Spotify comments section, or connect with me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth. Sign up for the weekly transcript and show notes at ltamh.com (or subscribe at the end of this page).

Next Week’s Episode:

Next week, I’ll be discussing how to be more emotionally aware (including a practical guide to regulating your emotions). Due for general release on November 17, 2024 (one week earlier for Official Supporters on Patreon).

Listen, Rate and Follow:

Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and turn on notifications. Available on all major services including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, YouTube Music and more.

Connect with Jeremy Godwin:

Find me on Instagram @itsjeremygodwin (and sometimes on Threads at the same handle).

Support the Show:

Become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes and exclusive content (opens in new window).

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TRANSCRIPT

How to say no without feeling guilty

Do you find it difficult to say no? Do you feel guilty about setting boundaries? Does a fear of disappointing others mean you’re struggling to say no when you need to, or that you’re maybe even people pleasing?

Well, that’s what I’m talking about this week… so, if you often find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’, then let’s talk!

Hello and thanks for joining me for the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast, the independent show full of simple ideas for better mental health!

If you’re new here, then hi! I’m Jeremy Godwin, podcast creator and writer, and this isn’t another show full of interviews or random opinions; I’m also a mental health counsellor, and each week I teach you practical and effective ways to improve your mental wellbeing, all based on quality research as well as my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression (after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life).

This is Episode 258 and today I’ll be talking about how to say no without feeling guilty — what it means, why it matters for your mental health, and how to do it.

So, let’s talk!

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Have you ever caught yourself saying “yes” to something (or someone) when every single fibre of your being wanted to say “no” — but you just felt too guilty to do it? 

Maybe it’s agreeing to that extra project at work, or going to a social event when you’d much rather relax at home, or doing a favour for someone that stretches you far too thin. We’ve all been there, and it’s not always easy to put our own needs first without feeling a twinge of guilt. But what if learning to say no could be the key to better mental health and a more balanced life?

Today we’ll be diving into the art of saying no without the guilt trip. I’ll explore why setting boundaries can be so challenging, and how shifting your mindset can make all the difference. You’ll discover practical strategies to honour your own needs confidently and kindly. By embracing the power of “no”, and working to become more comfortable with being assertive and direct, you can reduce stress, prevent burnout, and create a lot more space in your life for the things that truly matter to you.

So, if you’re ready to reclaim your time and energy — without all the nagging guilt — then you’re in the right place, because we’re going to unpack how a simple two-letter word can make a massive world of difference to your mental health and overall happiness.

To begin with let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions, and let’s talk about…

What does ‘saying no without guilt’ mean?

Learning to say no without feeling guilty is about recognising and respecting your own needs and boundaries, and understanding that it’s OK to prioritise yourself… and that doing so doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, setting healthy boundaries is a vital step towards leading a more balanced and fulfilling life as well as maintaining good mental health (and regular listeners would be aware that it’s a topic I explore a lot here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health, because it really does play a critical role in your mental wellbeing). 

By learning to embrace the idea of saying ‘no’ as being a healthy thing, instead of something difficult (or something that could potentially lead to conflict), you’ll find that you’re not just learning how to say no to others — you’re learning how to say yes to yourself! Which, I’m aware, sounds a bit like I’m trapped in an informercial… but, really, this is about learning to be more assertive and also treating yourself with self-respect by making your needs a priority.

We often feel guilty about saying no because we’re conditioned to prioritise other peoples’ needs over our own. Society often praises selflessness and being accommodating of others, which can make declining someone’s request feel uncomfortable or even selfish… plus there’s the potential for conflict, and we human beings often struggle with conflict and go out of our way to avoid it (even if that means potentially doing harm to ourselves). You might worry that saying no will disappoint someone, or damage a relationship, or make you appear unhelpful, and then there’s also the fear of missing out or the anxiety that opportunities might not come around again. But it’s important to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup; the fact is that continuously putting others first, without taking care of your own wellbeing, can (and will) lead to stress, burnout, and a sense of losing control over your own life.

So, what does saying no without feeling guilty look like in practice? It involves being honest with yourself about your limits and communicating them respectfully to others. For example, if a friend invites you to a social event but you’re feeling overwhelmed, you might say, “Thanks so much for thinking of me, but I need a quiet night in to recharge.” Or if a colleague asks you to take on additional work when you’re already stretched thin, you could respond with, “I appreciate the opportunity, but I won’t be able to give it the attention it deserves right now.” These types of responses are polite and assertive, meaning that you can honour your needs without offending the other person.

In terms of your mental health, learning to say no is a powerful form of self-care. Overcommitting yourself can lead to increased stress and anxiety, and it can even result in feelings of resentment. When you take on too much, you might find yourself stretched so thin that you’re unable to enjoy any of your activities fully, which can affect your mood and your sleep patterns, as well as your overall sense of wellbeing. By being assertive and setting boundaries (and sticking to them), you’re actively protecting your mental health. You’re giving yourself the space you need to rest, to pursue your own interests, and to recharge when you need to.

Here’s the thing: you’re the one in control of your life. You get to call the shots, and so that means that it’s up to you to make smart choices that set you up for the best possible outcome (rather than just agreeing to everything and then ending up overwhelmed or, worse yet, finding your needs falling by the wayside). 

Saying no doesn’t have to be a negative experience, either; really, it’s about how you frame it. Think of it like this: it’s a way of respecting yourself and your needs, which ultimately allows you to be more present and engaged in the areas of your life that matter most to you. When you think of it that way, it can really help you to approach it with a more positive and optimistic mindset. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, and you don’t need to carry around a massive load of guilt for doing so. By embracing your ability to say no without guilt, you’re not just safeguarding your mental health — you’re also empowering yourself to lead a more authentic and satisfying life.

Alright, so with that in mind now let’s talk about…

Why saying no without feeling guilty matters

And it matters because learning how to say no, without being weighed down by guilt (or even being stopped by it) empowers you to take control of your life. It’s about setting boundaries for yourself that protect your time, energy, and resources. When you say no to things that don’t align with your priorities, you’re actually saying yes to the things that matter most to you. It isn’t about being selfish; it’s about being honest with yourself and with others, which creates space for opportunities that genuinely enrich your life.

Now, you’ve probably noticed how much easier it can feel sometimes to just say “yes,” even when you really want to (or need to) say “no”… and, well, it might seem easier in the moment, but it’s actually making things a lot worse for you in the long term. Every time you say ‘yes’ to something that you either can’t really commit to or don’t really want to commit to, you’re compromising your own needs… and, over time, that can potentially lead to putting the needs of others above your own, which is harmful to your mental health. I mean, look, I’m certainly not suggesting that you turn into a selfish beast who hogs the road, eats all the snacks at home, and tells everyone to bugger off (because that’s just self-absorption, which isn’t healthy), but it’s about finding a healthy balance between your needs and the needs of others… and remembering that nobody can or will meet your needs for you; so, if you don’t look after you, who will?!  

Generally speaking, being able to say no confidently and assertively allows you to live more authentically. It frees you from the burden of unnecessary commitments that can distract you from your goals. When you’re constantly agreeing to requests out of a sense of obligation, you might find yourself overwhelmed and stretched too thin which can lead to stress, anxiety, and general irritation and frustration. Saying no when you need to helps you to maintain your focus on what’s truly important to you… whether that’s spending time with loved ones, pursuing a passion, or simply taking care of yourself.

Constantly putting other peoples’ needs before your own can result in you feeling like you’re not in control of your own life, which can negatively affect your self-esteem. By learning to say no, and choosing not give in to guilt, you’re acknowledging your own needs and valuing yourself… which can boost your confidence and improve your overall mood, and it also reduces the risk of burnout by ensuring you have plenty of time to rest and recharge (which we all need).

Setting healthy boundaries is also crucial for maintaining balanced relationships. When you’re clear about your limits, others are less likely to overstep them. This can lead to greater mutual respect and deeper understanding in your interactions, and it also sets a precedent that encourages others to be honest about their own needs, fostering a more authentic connection. Remember, you teach people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.

You’re the one in control of your life, and it’s OK to prioritise yourself; in fact, it’s necessary. If you want to feel satisfied in your life, and if you also want to be able to show up for the people you care about in a healthy and meaningful way, you have to learn how to confidently and assertively say ‘no’ to the stuff that takes you away from what really matters to you.

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

AD BREAK [Note: Ads do not play if you have Spotify Premium or are an Official Supporter tier Patreon supporter]

And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to say no and not feel guilty

Alright, so here are a bunch of tips for you; pick two or three to focus on, get yourself comfortable with those and then try another couple (and gradually build over time). 

OK, first, give yourself permission to prioritise your own needs — because it’s absolutely essential to recognise that you have the right to put your needs first; this is probably the most important mindset shift to make so that you can begin to let go of the guilt often associated with saying no. Giving yourself permission to prioritise your wellbeing helps alleviate any guilt because it reinforces that self-care isn’t selfish (which it isn’t; it’s a necessary part of looking after yourself and avoiding burnout). Remember that attending to your own needs allows you to be at your best when you do choose to help others. Try regularly reminding yourself that your time and energy are valuable resources, and that it’s OK to conserve them for what truly matters to you (I do this with my daily affirmations for better mental health, which are available to buy from my store; it’s linked in the episode description and in the show notes). OK, next… 

Recognise and embrace your right to say no — because you really don’t have to say ‘yes’ to everything! Often, we feel guilty because we believe we’re obligated to meet other peoples’ expectations… but we’re not, and reminding yourself that it’s OK to decline requests helps to alleviate that guilt. Regularly remind yourself of your right to make choices that are best for you, without needing to justify them to others. Which leads to my next tip…

Accept that you can’t please everyone — and even though all I can hear in my head right now is the villain from Austin Powers Goldmember saying, “Well then there is no pleasing you,” I’m going to try to continue! So… understanding that it’s absolutely impossible to make everyone happy frees you from unrealistic expectations, because it reduces the pressure to say yes all the time. Remind yourself that prioritising your needs is not only completely acceptable, but it’s also necessary for your wellbeing! OK, next… 

Recognise that guilt is a normal emotion — so, I’m going to pull a little stunt here today and say (slightly controversially, perhaps) that it isn’t actually about saying no without feeling guilty, but instead learning to not buy into the guilt if and when it happens! This helps to normalise your feelings, making them easier to handle. Feeling guilty is a common reaction, and reminding yourself of that can help you process it and move past it (instead of getting caught up in it); after all, it’s just an emotion… and emotions are fleeting. Acknowledge the guilt when it happens, but choose not to let it dictate your actions, and remind yourself that it’s OK to prioritise your needs. Next… 

Listen to your inner voice — pay attention to your feelings when someone makes a request of you, because your initial reaction often reflects your true desires and limits; if you feel hesitation, or stress, it might be a sign that saying no is the best choice for you. Do this by taking a moment to check in with yourself before responding, ensuring your decision aligns with your intuition. Next… 

Be clear about your priorities — knowing what’s important to you makes it easier to say no to things that don’t align with your goals or values. This helps because it provides a solid reason for your decisions, reducing feelings of guilt. Take some time to identify your priorities, whether they’re related to work, family, health, or personal growth. When a request comes in, assess whether it fits within these priorities; if it doesn’t, you’ll feel more confident in declining. OK, next… 

Reflect on the consequences of saying yes — before just automatically agreeing to a request, take a moment to consider what saying yes would mean for you. This brings awareness to the potential stress or overcommitment you might be taking on, reinforcing why saying no is necessary. Ask yourself questions like, “Will this add unnecessary stress?” or “Am I sacrificing something important to me by agreeing?” and let your answers guide your decision. OK, next… 

Communicate assertively — being assertive means expressing your needs and boundaries respectfully and confidently, and it reduces the chance of misunderstandings while also showing that you value your own time and commitments (as you should!). You can practice this by using firm-but-polite language, like “I won’t be able to take that on right now.” Remember, assertiveness isn’t rudeness; it’s about honesty, directness, and open communication. If this is something you struggle with, I talked about how to be more assertive in Episode 242. Alright, next… 

Keep it simple — overcomplicating your explanation can lead to more guilt and give others room to push back, so keeping it simple helps you stay firm in your decision. You can do this by providing a brief reason, or none at all. For example, just saying, “I’m unable to help this time,” is more than sufficient; there’s no need to elaborate unless you feel comfortable doing so. Keep your response brief and firm, without succumbing to the desire to justify yourself extensively (because you don’t need to!), and remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. OK, next… 

Avoid apologising excessively — while it’s polite to be considerate of others, over-apologising can undermine your position and make you feel more guilty. Keeping apologies to a minimum helps you stay confident in your decision and teaches you to say no without explaining yourself (because you really don’t have to explain yourself!). Instead of saying something like, “I’m so sorry, I feel terrible, but I can’t,” try, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t commit this time.” Next… 

Offer an alternative if appropriate — if you do want to help, but just can’t meet the specific request, suggesting an alternative shows goodwill without compromising your boundaries, and it maintains the relationship while still honouring your needs. For example, say “I can’t help on Saturday, but I’d be happy to assist next week.” Just don’t say things like, “Maybe some other time!” if you don’t mean it, because that leaves you open to the person taking you up on that! OK, next… 

Delay your response when you’re unsure — if you’re uncertain about saying yes or no, it’s OK to take some time to decide! This prevents you from committing to something you might regret later. You can do this easily by saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives you space to consider your own needs without pressure. OK, next…

Focus on the present moment — don’t worry about the possible future implications of saying no; focus on how you feel now, and make the best decision for your current state. Worrying won’t change anything, and you just end up stressing yourself out over something that may or may not happen. Focus on the present, and treat everything else as a “we’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it” type of thing! Next…

Set boundaries ahead of time — establishing clear boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, and it makes it easier to say no if and when the time comes. You can set boundaries by deciding how much time you’re willing to give to others versus what you need for yourself, and making choices accordingly. Check out Episode 248, about how to set healthy boundaries, for more. OK, next… 

Use positive self-talk — changing the way you talk to yourself can have a huge impact on how you feel about saying no, helping to counteract guilt by reinforcing your right to make choices for yourself (which builds your self-esteem and your confidence). You can do this by consciously replacing negative thoughts like “I’m letting them down” with positive ones like “I’m taking care of myself, which is important.” Your needs matter, and it’s up to you to take care of them. Next… 

Prepare and practice your responses — if you find yourself getting anxious or tongue-tied in the moment when trying to say no, then having a few go-to phrases ready can make it much easier and less stressful. Try writing down and rehearsing polite-but-firm responses, like “I won’t be able to commit to that, but thank you for thinking of me” — the more times you say it to yourself (out loud), the more comfortable you’ll become with speaking those words if and when you need to. OK, next… 

Remember the benefits for your wellbeing — reminding yourself why you’re saying no can reinforce your decision and reduce guilt, because it turns your focus to the positive outcomes for your mental health and overall wellbeing. Consider how the extra time will allow you to reduce stress, or rest and recharge, or engage in activities you enjoy (because self-care is necessary for good mental health!). OK, next…

Understand that others will respect you more — let me just be blunt here: saying ‘yes’ to everything doesn’t make people respect you… it makes people take advantage of you. Often, we fear that saying no will damage our relationships… but the opposite can be true. People are likely to respect you more when you’re honest about your limits, and remembering that helps to reduce guilt. Setting boundaries actually strengthens your relationships, rather than weakening them (and sometimes a little conflict can actually help move your relationship forward by leaps and bounds). You can embrace this idea by noticing how others respond positively when you communicate openly with them, and by reminding yourself that true friends and colleagues, and caring loved ones, will be understanding because they want the best for you.

[Final Tips and Next Time]

Because when it comes to saying no without feeling guilty and your mental health, what it all boils down to is this:

Saying no isn’t about being selfish; it’s about setting boundaries, and making space for what truly matters to you. It’s just not practical (or healthy!) to say yes to everything… so, next time you feel guilty when you’re about to decline a request, take a moment to consider your own needs and ask yourself if saying yes is truly in your best interest. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you any less caring or compassionate. In fact, by looking after yourself, you’re making sure you have the energy and capacity to be there for others when it truly counts. By choosing to take small steps to assert your boundaries, you’ll find that saying no becomes easier over time.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week!

Support my show on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes and more; you’ll find it linked in the episode description.

And let me know, how do you say no without feeling guilty? If you’re on Spotify you can share in the Comments section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or comment on the transcript and show notes, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. 

I’ll talk to you next week for a new episode about how to be more emotionally aware (including a practical guide to regulating your emotions). That will be out on November 24; hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world… because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com   

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TOOLS & RESOURCES FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

I offer simple digital products that will help you improve and look after your mental health. My Daily Affirmations tool will help you start your day with focus and intention, grounding you and creating a sense of calm. My Daily Reflection Tool is a buy-once-use-forever PDF tool that helps you to do the work that will lead to better mental health and well-being. Plus I have a Masterclass Video which is like your own coaching session with me so that you can get the most out of your daily tool. Buy the two as a bundle and save 20% for a limited time! Click the links below for your chosen product(s):

Click here for details of mental health resources in most countries.

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ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Find more content at www.letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au

Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2024 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.