Setting healthy boundaries in relationships, work, and daily life is a powerful way to protect your mental health… but how do you do it? If you’re ready to learn how to create and maintain the boundaries that matter most, then let’s talk! 😃

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LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

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Show Notes

Episode Description:

In this episode of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, I’m exploring how to set healthy boundaries and, just as importantly, how to stick to them. We’ll dive into why boundaries are crucial for your mental health, and I’ll share practical tips for identifying, communicating, and enforcing boundaries that protect your wellbeing. So, tune in for actionable advice to help you create a balanced and more fulfilling life!

Episode Release Date:
September 8th, 2024

Key Points:

• What are healthy boundaries, and why do they matter?
• How to set boundaries that align with your values
• Practical strategies for maintaining your boundaries
• How to handle pushback and enforce consequences

Mentioned in this Episode:

• Episode 105: Let’s Talk About… No (How to say ‘no’)
• Episode 88: Let’s Talk About… Conflict
• Episode 208: Tough Conversations and How They Improve Your Mental Health
• Episode 247: How to Love Yourself More

Quote of the Week:
“I set boundaries not to offend you but to respect myself.” — Unknown

Call to Action:
Share how you set and maintain boundaries in the Comments section on Spotify, leave a comment at the end of this post, or connect with me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth. For more tips, follow @itsjeremygodwin and join my Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes.

Next Week’s Episode:
Figuring out who you really are — uncovering your most authentic self. Scheduled for release on September 15th, 2024 (one week earlier for Official Supporters on Patreon).

Listen, Rate and Follow:
Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and turn on notifications. Available on all major services including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, YouTube Music and more.

Connect with Jeremy Godwin:
Find me on Instagram @itsjeremygodwin (and sometimes on Threads at the same handle).

Support the Show:
Become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes and exclusive content (opens in new window).

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TRANSCRIPT

How to set healthy boundaries

What are healthy boundaries, and why are boundaries so important for your mental health? How can you set boundaries? And then, once you do, how can you stick to your boundaries (even when it’s really hard to do so)? 

Well, that’s what I’m talking about in this episode of Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes better mental health simple. 

Ready to learn how to set and maintain boundaries? Then, get comfortable and let’s talk!

Hello and welcome to Episode 248 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about how to set healthy boundaries.

I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of mental health and I teach you simple and practical ways to improve your wellbeing, based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what healthy boundaries are, why they’re so important, and how to set boundaries (and actually stick to them!).

So, let’s talk!

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Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to keep your house tidy when you set some basic rules — like taking your shoes off at the door, or putting things back where they belong? It’s amazing how these simple boundaries can create a sense of order and peace in your space, right? Now, imagine if you could apply that same principle to your mind and to your relationships. Just as a tidy home brings calm, setting boundaries in your life can bring clarity and peace to your mental world.

We all have the right to chart our own course in life, and to set the limits that work best for us. Boundaries are like the rules that keep your physical and emotional space organised and healthy. When you establish clear boundaries, you’re not just keeping the clutter out; you’re creating a sanctuary where you can thrive.

This week’s episode is all about the crucial connection between boundaries and mental wellness. Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, your work, and your daily life is a powerful way to protect your mental health and ensure your emotional wellbeing… but learning how to set healthy boundaries is only half the battle; knowing how to stick to them is where the real challenge lies! So I’m also going to spend some time talking you through the practicalities of maintaining your boundaries.

First, let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What are healthy boundaries? 

So, boundaries are the limits you set in your relationships and in your personal life to protect your wellbeing and ensure that your needs are being met. Healthy boundaries are ones that are also balanced and respectful, and which support your mental wellbeing without being too rigid or too loose.

Setting healthy boundaries is all about clearly defining what you will and won’t accept in your life; whether that’s from other people or even from yourself. It’s about recognising that you’re in control of your own space, both physically and emotionally, and understanding that you have the right to protect your wellbeing by setting limits on what you will and will not accept (since you have full control over who has access to you, and what that access looks and feels like). 

Boundaries aren’t about shutting other people out or being inflexible; instead, they’re about creating a sense of balance and respect in your relationships and interactions, making sure that your needs are valued and considered. When you establish boundaries, you’re taking a proactive step to protect your mental and emotional health.

It’s about being clear on what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t, and communicating that to the people around you. That could be as simple as telling a friend you’re not available to talk after 8 p.m. because you need your evenings to wind down, or it could be more complex, like having a serious conversation with a family member about not discussing certain sensitive topics. It also extends to boundaries you set for yourself; for example, like deciding not to check work emails outside of work hours to protect your personal time, or limiting your exposure to negative news to maintain a more positive mindset. 

The key here is that boundaries are a way of preserving your energy and maintaining a sense of control over your life, ensuring that you’re not giving too much of yourself to others or allowing situations to drain you unnecessarily.

In mental health terms, setting boundaries helps you to manage stress, prevent burnout, and maintain your emotional stability. When you’re clear about your limits, you’re better equipped to protect your mental wellbeing from situations or people that may have a negative impact. For example, if you find that a particular relationship is emotionally draining then setting a boundary might involve limiting the amount of time you spend with that person or deciding how you’ll engage with them to avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

It’s also important to note that setting boundaries isn’t a one-time thing; it’s an ongoing process that evolves as your needs change, and they require consistent effort to maintain. Sticking to your boundaries is just as crucial as setting them in the first place, because without follow-through your boundaries lose their effectiveness. When you honour your boundaries, you’re sending a clear message to yourself and to others that your needs are a priority (and that you respect yourself too much to put up with crap!). And while it can be challenging at times, especially if you’re used to putting others first, learning to set boundaries is a powerful way to look after yourself and ensure that you’re not being spread too thin.

So, now let’s talk about… 

Why are boundaries so important?

Boundaries are vital because they serve as a foundation for healthy relationships, self-respect, and personal wellbeing. At their core, boundaries define the limits of what you’re willing to accept, creating a clear line between your needs and the demands of others. 

By setting boundaries, you’re establishing a sense of control over your life and ensuring that your time, energy, and emotional resources are not being exploited or drained by others. Boundaries help to prevent resentment and burnout, allowing you to maintain a balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself. Without boundaries, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, overcommitted, or taken advantage of, which can lead to a decline in both your physical and emotional health.

When you stick to your boundaries, you’re reinforcing the idea that your needs matter just as much as those of others… which they do! And the fact is that nobody’s going to look after your needs for you, so it’s up to you. Sticking to your boundaries is essential because it shows that you respect yourself and expect the same from others. It also teaches others how to treat you, because it communicates your limits and expectations clearly. When you don’t stick to your boundaries, it sends a mixed message, leading to confusion and potentially undermining your self-worth.

When you have clear boundaries in place, you’re better equipped to manage the pressures of daily life and prevent emotional exhaustion. For example, if you set boundaries around your work-life balance, like not answering emails after a certain time, you’re giving yourself the space you need to recharge and maintain a healthy mental state. Similarly, in relationships, setting boundaries helps you avoid situations that might trigger stress or anxiety because you’re able to control the extent of your involvement. Boundaries also help you manage your emotions, giving you the freedom to step back from situations that might be overwhelming or harmful to your mental health.

Ultimately, boundaries are about taking control of your life and giving yourself permission to make your needs a priority. Other people may not like that (usually because it stops them from taking advantage of you), but honouring your needs is absolutely essential for improving your mental health.

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

AD BREAK [Note: Ads do not play if you have Spotify Premium or are an Official Supporter tier Patreon supporter]

And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to set boundaries (and stick to them!)

First, figure out what boundaries you need to set — and this starts with reflection and self-awareness. Take a close look at your daily life and interactions, paying attention to moments when you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or resentful; these feelings often indicate areas where your boundaries are either non-existent or being crossed. Ask yourself questions like: “What situations or behaviours drain my energy?” and “Where do I feel taken advantage of, or uncomfortable?” This can highlight the specific areas in your life where boundaries are needed to protect your wellbeing. Another approach is to consider your values and priorities. What matters most to you? What do you need to feel balanced and healthy? For example, if personal time is essential for your mental health, you might need to set boundaries around work hours or social commitments. Aligning your boundaries with your values ensures that they support your overall happiness and fulfilment. You can also look at past experiences where you’ve felt hurt or frustrated; reflect on what went wrong, and what boundary might have prevented that situation, which can provide valuable insights into the types of boundaries you need to establish going forward. OK, next… 

Communicate your boundaries clearly — and this means being direct but respectful, making sure the other person understands what your limits are and why they’re important to you. This helps because clear communication leaves no room for misunderstanding, reducing the chances of conflicts down the line. You can do this by using “I” statements, such as “I feel overwhelmed when X happens…” or “I need to have time for myself after work,” which makes the conversation about your needs rather than sounding like an accusation. Be direct and to the point, and deliver the message in a firm-but-fair way. Next…

Start small — setting boundaries can feel pretty daunting, especially if you’re not used to doing it, and that’s why it’s helpful to start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations first. For example, you might begin by setting a boundary around your time, like deciding to finish work at a certain time each day. Starting small builds your confidence and makes the process feel more manageable, and you can then gradually introduce more boundaries as you become more comfortable (which ensures that you’re not overwhelmed by trying to change everything at once). Alright, next…

Learn to say no — saying no is a crucial part of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, but it’s something that many of us struggle with. Learning how to say no without guilt is important because it protects your time and energy, allowing you to focus on what truly matters to you… and it prevents you from overcommitting and feeling resentful or exhausted. Practice saying no in an unapologetic and firm-but-polite way, like “I can’t take that on right now,” or “I won’t be able to do that.” And remember: you don’t need to justify your reasons to anyone. A simple ‘no’ delivered in a polite and kind way is a complete sentence. If you’d like to learn more about how to say no, check out Episode 105. OK, next…

Be prepared for pushback — not everyone will respect your boundaries immediately, and some people may even push back against them… but that doesn’t mean you don’t set them! You just need to be prepared, and to stand firm in your boundaries despite any resistance. This shows others that you’re serious about your needs and that you won’t be easily swayed or manipulated. Stay calm and reiterate your boundary when challenged, and be clear about the consequences of not respecting your limits, whether that’s stepping away from a conversation or taking a break from a relationship. Next…

Be consistent — because consistency is key when it comes to sticking to your boundaries. If you allow your boundaries to be crossed sometimes, then it sends a message that they’re not important or that they’re negotiable. Consistent boundaries establish a sense of reliability and respect, both for yourself and from others. Reinforce your boundaries regularly and remind yourself why they’re important, and address any breaches as soon as they occur instead of letting them slide. When you face pushback, or feel tempted to relax your boundary, take a moment to pause and assess the situation. Ask yourself, “Will compromising here serve my long-term wellbeing, or am I sacrificing my needs?” Consistency sends a clear message to others that your boundaries are non-negotiable. If you struggle with guilt or fear of conflict, try actively practicing self-compassion — acknowledge that setting boundaries is a necessary form of self-care, not selfishness or self-indulgence. If that kind of self-love is difficult for you, then you’ll find Episode 247 helpful (last week’s episode) because it’s all about how to love yourself more. OK, so my next tip is… 

If your boundaries aren’t being respected, call it out — when your boundaries are being breached, it’s essential to address the issue directly and calmly in a timely manner (rather than just letting it slide). Start by clearly stating what happened and how it violated your boundary. For example, you could say “We agreed that you wouldn’t call after 8 p.m., but you called last night at 10:30.” This brings attention to the specific behaviour without blaming or escalating the situation. Next, explain how it made you feel and why it’s important to you. Using that same example, you could say “When you called late, it interrupted my evening routine, and I felt anxious.” This is about helping the other person to understand the impact of their actions. Then, restate your boundary and reinforce its importance. For example, “I need you to respect the 8 p.m. limit because it’s important for my wellbeing.” Finally, outline any consequences if the boundary continues to be ignored; that might be taking a step back from the relationship, or limiting contact entirely. Ensure you follow through if necessary (and I’ll come back to that in a second). The thing about this approach is that it’s effective because it’s clear, it’s assertive, and it maintains your boundaries while giving the other person an opportunity to correct their behaviour (and it also reinforces your commitment to protecting your mental and emotional health). Just remember: how you let people treat you teaches them how to treat you. And so that leads to my next tip… 

Enforce consequences — I did a post recently on Instagram and Threads (on my @itsjeremygodwin account) where I said (and I quote) “Don’t give other people multiple opportunities to hurt you. I’m a firm believer in giving people second chances… I am also a firm believer in not giving people third chances. Three times or more is a pattern, and at that point you need to respect yourself enough to know that actions speak louder than words.” It’s a long quote, I know, but I wanted to share it here because the thing is that a boundary without consequences is highly unlikely to be respected; you have to enforce consequences when your boundaries are crossed to show that you’re serious about maintaining them. Clearly communicate the consequences upfront, like taking a break from a relationship or refusing to engage in certain conversations, and then follow through if your boundary is breached. If you struggle with that sort of directness (and bluntness) then try Episode 88 about conflict and Episode 208 about tough conversations. OK, next… 

Role-play difficult conversations — if you find it difficult to assert your boundaries in certain situations, role-playing those conversations with a trusted friend or therapist can be a helpful practice because it allows you to rehearse what you want to say and how you want to say it, building your confidence before the actual conversation takes place so that it then feels a bit less daunting. This helps to reduce anxiety around boundary-setting conversations and it gives you the tools to handle tough discussions more effectively. Next…

Be patient with yourself — setting boundaries, and sticking to them, is a skill that takes time to develop… so it’s important to be patient with yourself throughout the process. It’s normal to make mistakes or to struggle with upholding your boundaries, especially in challenging situations. The piece here is to remind yourself that progress is more important than perfection, and that each step forward is a victory. Choose to be kind to yourself when things don’t go perfectly, and treat mistakes as learning opportunities. OK, next… 

Embrace flexibility — OK, so while boundaries are definitely important, it’s also crucial to recognise that life is not always black and white. There may be times when you need to be flexible with your boundaries, depending on the situation; for example, maybe a close friend or loved one is going through a crisis and so you tell them they can call you any time of the day or night (even though you’d normally ask for no calls after 8 p.m.). Embracing flexibility means understanding that your boundaries can adapt to different circumstances without compromising your core needs. This helps you to navigate complex situations with grace, maintaining your wellbeing while also being responsive to the needs of others. So, evaluate each situation on its own merits and decide whether a temporary adjustment to your boundary is appropriate. Next…

Review and adjust your boundaries regularly — so, as you grow, and as your life changes, your boundaries may need to evolve as well so that they remain relevant and effective. Keep your boundaries aligned with your current needs and circumstances, rather than sticking to outdated limits that no longer serve you. You can do this by checking in with yourself periodically — maybe once a month,  or after major life events — to assess whether your boundaries are still working for you, or if they need to be adjusted. Next… 

Recognise and respect other people’s boundaries — just as you have the right to set boundaries, so do others. Recognising and respecting the boundaries of those around you is an essential part of maintaining healthy relationships because it builds mutual respect and understanding, making it more likely that others will respect your boundaries in return. You can do this by being attentive to the signals others send, asking for clarification if you’re unsure about someone’s boundaries, and making an effort to honour them in your interactions. Next…

Focus on your long-term wellbeing — some boundaries may cause short-term discomfort, especially if they involve saying no or distancing yourself from certain people, but they’re necessary for your overall mental and emotional health; keep your eye on the bigger picture, not just one specific situation or conversation. This serves to reinforce the idea that boundaries are an investment in your future happiness and stability, even if they feel challenging in the moment. Consciously remind yourself of the bigger picture and the positive impact that maintaining your boundaries will have on your life in the long run.

Summary and Close-out

Because when it comes to setting healthy boundaries and mental health, what it all boils down to is this:

Boundaries are a powerful act of self-respect and self-care, and they’re one of the most important steps you can take for your mental and emotional wellbeing. It might be challenging at times, especially when other people push back or when old habits resurface, but remember that each time you uphold a boundary you’re reinforcing your commitment to living a life that honours your needs and values. By setting healthy boundaries, and sticking to them, you’re not only protecting your peace of mind but you’re also creating a more balanced and fulfilling life for yourself.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“I set boundaries not to offend you but to respect myself.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

How do you set healthy boundaries? If you’re on Spotify scroll down and share in the Comments section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or comment on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, plus become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes of all of my podcasts. 

Next week I’ll be talking about figuring out who you really are. One of the most profound questions you can ask yourself is, “Who am I, really?” Discovering your most authentic self is the key to living a life that truly reflects your values and passions, but it can be hard to sift through all the layers and layers of self-doubt and messages from society about who we’re supposed to be in order to uncover your true identity and embrace the person you’re meant to be. So, next week it’s time to peel back the layers and find the real you! I’ll be talking about what working out who you are means, why it matters, and how to figure out who you really are.

That episode will be released on the 15th of September, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and press the bell to turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com   

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ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Find more content at www.letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au

Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2024 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.