Why does putting off what you need to deal with feel so good, even when it makes things worse? Episode 359 of the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast is all about avoidance: why we avoid things, why avoidance feels so good in the moment, and how to stop avoiding what you need to deal with and start facing things. So, Let’s Talk About Mental Health!

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Episode Overview:

Avoiding problems feels good in the moment, but it quietly makes them worse. If you keep putting off the things you know you need to deal with, whether it’s an email, a bill, a conversation, or a worry you won’t look at properly, this episode is for you.

So, why do you avoid things even when you know they won’t go away on their own? And why do the same problems keep turning up, no matter how much time passes? In this episode, I explore what avoidance really looks like (it’s sneakier than you might think), why it’s so tempting, and what it’s costing you… even when nothing feels urgent. Then I share realistic and practical ways to start facing what you’ve been avoiding, without having to overhaul your entire life to do it.

👉 Ready to learn how to stop avoiding what you need to deal with, without overwhelming yourself? Then let’s talk!

💡 TL;DR: Avoidance feels like relief, but it’s really a loan with high interest… and facing what you’ve been avoiding is a far smaller job than you think. 🙂

New here? Hi! Let’s Talk About Mental Health is your weekly dose of practical mental health advice for real life. I’m Jeremy Godwin (hello! 👋) and I keep things simple, honest, and doable so you can feel more in control of your life and your mental wellbeing. If you’re not already a free subscriber, sign up below to have episodes and transcripts land in your inbox every Sunday:

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Episode Transcript:

Stop avoiding what you need to deal with

Why is it so hard to stop avoiding problems… even the ones you know aren’t going to fix themselves?

Most of us have at least one thing we’re quietly not looking at. And part of what keeps it that way is something that, in the moment, actually feels pretty good.

But that’s the trap.

Because the thing you’re avoiding isn’t just sitting there, waiting politely for a better time for you to fix it. It’s either growing in the background, or it keeps coming back to you time after time. The good news is that facing whatever you’re avoiding is a much smaller job than you might think.

So, let’s talk about… how to stop avoiding what you need to address.

Hello and welcome! I’m Jeremy Godwin and this is the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast, where every week I help you understand and improve your mental wellbeing.

So today I’m going to unpack what avoidance actually looks like, because it’s a lot sneakier than you might think, as well as why it’s so tempting, even while it quietly costs you so much, and some realistic ways to face things without having to overhaul your entire life to do it.

Now… even if there’s nothing big that you’re dodging at the moment, this kind of thing is a lot like checking the oil in your car: it’s much easier to do while nothing has gone wrong yet.

But first, here’s something small I want you to think about as you listen to this episode. So the next time you’re tempted to leave something for another day, whether it’s having a conversation with someone or just an email or a phone call, just notice what happens in your body when you do avoid. Maybe your shoulders relax a bit, or something in your chest loosens, and it feels like relief.

But relief isn’t the same as peace. It’s more like a little reward that your brain hands you for dodging the thing. Now… be aware of that feeling, because later on I’m going to show you exactly what to do with it when it happens.

Alright, so let’s get ourselves on the same page and let’s talk about…

What avoiding problems really looks like

When most people hear the word ‘avoidance’, they probably picture someone hiding under the covers with their phone switched off. And sure… sometimes it does look exactly like that, right? But most of the time it’s far quieter and it’s far more ordinary.

It’s the letter that’s been sitting on the bench for three weeks, still sealed. The banking app that you haven’t opened since… well, actually, you’re not sure when you last opened it. The appointment that you keep meaning to book. The conversation you’ve now rehearsed in the shower 65 times, but still haven’t actually had. Any of those ring a bell? Maybe all of them?

And sometimes you’ll find that it doesn’t look like avoidance at all. It looks like being busy… suspiciously busy. If you’ve ever deep-cleaned the oven rather than make one five-minute phone call, you know exactly what I’m talking about; mine often shows up as a sudden and intense desire to reorganise the entire pantry, when I should be doing something else.

Now… putting things off is part of it, of course, but the twist is that it’s rarely the task itself that you’re actually dodging. Opening an envelope takes about four seconds, and your brain knows that. What you’re avoiding is what might be inside it, and what you’d have to feel or do once you know what’s inside it.

That’s why so much of this lives in this kind of strange, half-known space in your head. Think of that niggle you might have about your job, or a relationship, or a friendship: you don’t fully know what’s wrong, but you know just enough to not want to actually look at it.

And then there’s the version of avoidance that sneaks up on you. You land in a situation and you think, “Oh, you again.” Same argument, but different person. Same kind of boss, but different job. Same money worries, slightly different circumstances.

It’s that ‘funny but not funny’ feeling of being handed the exact same exam paper that you thought you’d already taken. I mean, honestly, sometimes the lack of originality in life is almost insulting! And we’re going to come back to why that happens in a little bit.

The thing about avoidance though, is that, I mean, let’s be real…. it has a pretty bad reputation, and not all of it is deserved. So we need to clear up a few things first.

Number one is that avoidance isn’t laziness. Some of the hardest-working people I’ve ever met are world-class avoiders. Plenty of them are the most organised people in the room. Avoidance isn’t a lack of effort; it’s effort pointed in the wrong direction.

Second: avoidance rarely feels like a choice. It just feels like an overwhelming sense of, “Ooh, not right now.” Not while this work is so busy. Not before the holidays. Not until after the wedding. Not until things settle down. Not until… Not until… Right? And yet things have a funny habit of never quite settling down, do they?

And then the third thing is that avoidance isn’t a character flaw. It’s a very human strategy…. and in the short term, it works brilliantly. Which is exactly the problem.

So I have a simple rule for this. Generally speaking, the only time avoidance is healthy is when you’re avoiding avoidance. In that case, avoid to your heart’s content!

But most of the time, avoiding what needs to be addressed or acted on just keeps you stuck… or, worse yet, it can send you backwards. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and avoidance is basically the key ingredient in ensuring that nothing changes.

So if avoidance feels like it’s working brilliantly in the moment, but it costs us this much over time, why on earth do we keep on falling for it? Well, that’s what we need to understand next. So, let’s talk about…

Why avoidance is so hard to give up

And here’s why: every time you decide not to look at something, the uncomfortable feeling you have about the thing drops… almost instantly. It’s the little hit of relief that I mentioned earlier. And your brain takes note: it goes, “Oh, well that worked to make me feel better. Let’s do that again.”

Psychologists who study anxiety describe avoidance as something that we learn for exactly this reason: it gets rewarded, because it takes the discomfort away. So the more you do it, the more natural it feels.

But notice what it doesn’t do: it doesn’t change the thing; it just changes how you feel about the thing for a little while. It’s like turning the radio up so that you can’t hear that strange noise that your car’s making. The noise doesn’t stop. You just stop hearing it, until you really, really can’t stop hearing it anymore because it’s gotten louder… which will happen sooner or later.

And because you never actually look at the thing properly, it never gets checked against reality… so it stays exactly as big and as scary in your head as the day that you first put it off. Familiar dread starts to feel safer than finding out.

And throughout all that, you’re already paying the price for avoidance. In one well-known experiment, researchers had people wait for small electric shocks, and some of them disliked the waiting so much that they chose a stronger shock straight away, rather than waiting for a milder one later.

Not knowing has its own cost. That low hum of dread in the background is you paying for it every single day.

And the thing is that we tend to be really good at avoiding the things that matter most. Researchers looking at a large sample group in the US found that fear of bad news about your health can lead people to avoid seeing the doctor entirely, even though that’s often how you get the very information that could help you… since with your health especially the earlier you know, the more options you generally have.

If you try to bury your head in the sand, you’ll generally find it makes things worse.

So… where does all of this avoided stuff actually go? Nowhere. It doesn’t go anywhere. And that’s the problem.

Some of it will grow while you’re not looking: you know, the debt, the leak in the roof, the paperwork with a deadline attached. And some of it comes back around either in the form of the same argument, or working in the same kind of job or toxic workplace, or having the same feelings, because nothing has actually changed underneath; you haven’t resolved it, you’ve just relocated it.

And if the same thing keeps turning up wherever you go, then you are the common thread. Which sounds harsh, I know, but it’s actually the best news in this entire episode… because that means that the fix doesn’t depend on anyone else changing or it being the perfect time or having more time passing. It depends on you. Because unless you face it, it’s going to keep showing up.

And that’s why I’m talking about this in a season that’s all about protecting your peace, because avoidance is the most convincing fake peace there is. Avoidance tells you that you are keeping things calm… but really, you’re just borrowing peace from your future self. And you will end up paying it back later, usually with interest. Because protecting your peace means choosing to do or say the harder thing, not the easier one.

A big reason why we avoid things is that we’ve kind of glued two very different jobs together: looking at something, and fixing it. So in your head, opening that envelope that’s been sitting there means that you have to sort out your entire financial life today. Raising that issue means that you have to have the big entire relationship conversation today. And so no wonder you put things off.

But looking at a problem isn’t the same as fixing it. It’s a much smaller job. And once you pull those two things apart, everything gets a lot more doable. And we’re going to talk about how to do that right after this quick break.

[AD BREAK]

And welcome back! So now let’s get into the ‘how to’ part of today’s episode, and let’s talk about…

How to stop avoiding problems

A few years ago, back in Episode 99, my advice about avoidance was to list everything that you were avoiding, prioritise it, and then make a plan. And look, it wasn’t terrible advice… but I don’t give it anymore, because that list has a habit of becoming one more thing to avoid. I mean, honestly, a to-do list of your deepest dreads? What could possibly go wrong?!

So instead, I’m going to share some things that you can try this week and then some longer-term changes that will make this easier over time. Start with whatever one feels most doable; you’ll find them all in the transcript, available at ltamh.com/episodes or it’s linked in the episode description. OK, first:

Catch the moment of relief.

Earlier I asked you to notice that feeling of relief that you get when you decide to avoid something, and here’s what to do with it. Instead of treating that relief as a reward, treat it as an alarm. Relief is a clue, not a solution. When you feel it, ask yourself: what did I just decide not to look at? And then name it in a few words, either out loud or in the notes app on your phone. So it could be: “the email from my manager” or “my bank balance.” That’s it. So let’s say you open an email, feel your stomach drop, and decide it can wait until after lunch, and then you get that hit of relief. Catch it. Or you open your banking app and close it again before the balance has even loaded. And then you get the relief. Catch it. You don’t have to do anything about it yet. You’re just refusing to let that moment of relief slip past unnoticed, because you cannot face something that you won’t admit is there. Next…

Looking isn’t fixing.

Just looking at the task itself is a relatively tiny thing to do. It’s often the dread of fixing it that feels enormous. So here’s a simple way to separate the looking from the fixing. Answer these two questions: what do I need to look at for this, and what do I need to do to fix this? Write both of them down if it helps. You’ll find the first one is almost always tiny: with an unopened bill, ‘looking’ means reading the number… while ‘fixing’ might mean making a phone call, setting up a payment plan, rethinking your budget. But none of that has to happen today. Or with a relationship that’s felt ‘off’ for a while, ‘looking’ might mean admitting to yourself that something isn’t right. That’s it. It doesn’t mean having a big conversation tonight to try to fix it, or making any decisions. It’s simply the acknowledgement. Looking lets you know where you stand, and that stops your brain from blowing things up into bigger issues than they need to be. Looking is the small job, so do that one first. Everything else can come after. Next…

Is it growing or coming back?

If you’re avoiding more than one thing… and let’s be honest, most of us are!… this will help you decide where to start. So some things tend to grow while you’re not looking at them: money, paperwork, repairs around the house, your health, et cetera. They’re time sensitive, and the cost of waiting goes up the longer you leave them; think of the fine that keeps adding late fees the longer you leave it for. Those are the ones to look at first. Other things come back: the same kind of falling out with friends every now and then, the same type of job that you keep ending up in; these aren’t always urgent in the same way, but they need something different which is to take a look at what’s underneath it and what the pattern is… and I talked about breaking repeated patterns in Episode 303, so I’ll link that in the description. Either way, you are not choosing whether to look… just what to look at first. Next…

Take the smallest look.

This week, pick one thing you’ve been avoiding and take one look at it. Just a look: open it, check it, read it, or ask yourself one question. That is the whole job I’m asking you to do this week. Now… that might mean opening the email with the subject line that you’ve been dreading, or thinking about the relationship issue that you’ve been dodging, or logging in and checking exactly what you owe. We are not talking about the plan to pay it off, just the number. Whatever it is, you don’t have to do it alone. Ask someone you trust to sit next to you while you open it, or to stay on the phone with you while you check. Moral support is enormously underrated, and it doesn’t really cost anything… right? And if it is something heavy, something that’s been weighing on you for a long time, that’s exactly when it’s worth having support, or if you can work with a professional, like a therapist or counsellor, to help support you through. The point here is that ‘small’ is still a look; it’s not pointless, right? It changes everything that comes after you take a look. Next…

Choose “not now” on purpose.

Once you’ve looked, you’re allowed to decide it can wait. Seriously. That’s not avoidance, as long as it comes with two things: a specific date, and a next step. Because avoidance has no date; you get the relief, and then slowly the dread creeps back in. A decision is different. It feels clear rather than relieved, and the dread tends to settle. A decision has a date. Avoidance doesn’t. So maybe you’ve finally looked at the quote, and you decide to book it after payday on the 15th. Great. Write that down. Or perhaps you’ve admitted to yourself that something in your relationship isn’t right and you’re going to raise it after a big family event is out of the way. Fantastic. Put it in your calendar with the actual date, instead of just ‘sometime’. That’s not putting it off. That’s planning. Big difference! OK… so those are the things to try this week, and now let’s talk about some longer-term changes to stop you from ending up back in avoidance mode in six months time. Next…

Get in the habit of looking while it’s small.

This one is for when you’re doing OK, because that’s actually the best time to do it. Looking at something while it’s still small is cheap. Looking at it once it’s grown into something bigger is expensive… in every sense of the word. So put your ‘looking’ on autopilot, especially for the things that tend to grow bigger: pick a particular day each month, maybe it’s the first Sunday of the month, and give your money 10 minutes of your attention; this isn’t about doing a full financial overhaul, just a look. Or when you’re leaving your annual checkup, book the next one before you walk out the door so you don’t have to decide again. The less you have to choose to look, the less chance avoidance gets a vote. And remember, maintenance matters just as much as repair. Doing OK isn’t a reason to stop looking at things; in fact, it’s the easiest time to look. Next…

Keep the receipts.

Every time you finally look at something that you’ve been avoiding or were tempted to avoid, I want you to write down two things: how bad you expected it to be, and how bad it actually was. Just write a quick sentence or two for each. That’s all. Those are your receipts. Because most of the time, you’ll notice that there’s a gap: the email you dreaded for a week was a simple question, or the conversation that you’d built up into a disaster in the waiting was awkward for 10 minutes and then it was over. And let’s be honest, sometimes it is going to be every bit as bad as you feared. That still goes on the list, because it shows you something just as important: you looked, and you coped. Now, over time, all of those receipts add up to evidence; the exact evidence that avoidance never lets you collect. And the part of your brain that keeps choosing relief starts to learn that looking is survivable. Next…

Make looking safe.

And this one is about what happens immediately after you look at something, because that moment decides whether or not you’ll look next time. If finding out is always followed by a mental beating like, “How could you let it get this bad? What’s wrong with me?” then your brain learns a very simple lesson: looking hurts. And so, it goes back to avoiding. And of course it does. Who wouldn’t?! So the moment after you look, say one simple and kind sentence to yourself; something like: I looked, and that was the hard part. Maybe you find a late fee that you could have avoided, or you discover that the debt is bigger than you thought. Either way, the looking is the win… and it deserves to be treated like one. You can work out the rest from there. Be kind to yourself after you look. And if being kind to yourself doesn’t come naturally, and for a lot of us it really doesn’t, Episode 326 about being kinder to yourself when you’re struggling is a great one to check out next.

Conclusion

So here’s what I want you to take away from this episode. Avoidance might feel good, because it gives you instant relief… but the thing you’re avoiding doesn’t go anywhere. It either grows, or it keeps coming back. And looking at it is a far smaller job than fixing it.

So, what’s one thing you’ve been avoiding that it’s time to look at?

Because when you boil it all down, the only thing worth avoiding is avoidance itself.

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Robert Frost, and it is:

The best way out is always through.

Robert Frost

Let me repeat that:

The best way out is always through.

Alright. That’s nearly it for this week. Come and join me for my Protecting Your Peace on Purpose coaching program, starting in late January, 2027. Registrations are open until January 17, unless filled earlier, and you can find out more at the link in the description or head to ltamh.com/programs. Spots are strictly limited.

My Patreon supporters get a discount on the program as well as weekly early access to my podcast, so consider becoming a supporter. You can also check out my book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck for more practical advice for better mental health. They’re all linked in the description.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world… because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Next week, I’ll be talking about where to start when you’re struggling. In the meantime, check out my episode on being kinder to yourself next; it’s linked in the description. I release new content every Sunday, so follow or subscribe to never miss an episode.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program. Discover more at ltamh.com.

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Find more content at www.ltamh.com

Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2026 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.