If you tend to be tough on yourself and highly self-critical, then it’s time to improve your self-worth and learn how to love yourself more… and you’ll discover how to do that in this episode. So, Let’s Talk About Mental Health!

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Episode Overview:

Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time!

And please, would you stop bullying yourself!?!

If your critical inner voice likes to tear you down, then it’s time to be nicer to yourself so you can learn how to love yourself more.

In this week’s episode of the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast, I unpack how to not be hard on yourself so you can rebuild your self worth and calm your mind (which also teaches you how to be more confident).

If you’re self critical, stuck in “I hate myself” spirals, or just want to be nicer to yourself and love yourself more, this episode gives you practical mental health tips that work including simple self kindness swaps you can make today, language that’s fair not cruel, and small daily steps that reduce stress and anxiety without drama.

I know what it’s like to be hard on myself, but I also know that learning how to love yourself can significantly improve your mental wellbeing… so let’s work together to help you stop being so incredibly hard on yourself. 

👉 Ready to build real self-worth and improve your confidence? Then let’s talk!

💡 TL;DR: Sick of your inner bully? In Episode 305 I’ll show you simple tools to stop punishing yourself, rebuild your self-worth, and feel a lot calmer starting today. 🙂

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Episode Transcript:

Don’t be so hard on yourself!

Why are you so hard on yourself?

If you spoke to a friend the way you speak to yourself, do you think they’d stick around? S

o then why are you treating yourself so badly?! It’s time to stop your inner critic from sabotaging your self-worth, and love yourself more by replacing it with a kinder, fairer, and more respectful voice… and that’s exactly what I’m going to show you how to do in this episode.

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s talk about…

being kinder to yourself.

Hello and welcome back to the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast, your weekly dose of practical advice for better mental health! I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this week I’m talking about why you need to stop being so hard on yourself.

Most of us would never speak to someone that we care about the way that we talk to ourselves, but many of us still do it daily. It’s the little digs that we have at ourselves, the harsh judgments, the thoughts like “I’m not good enough” on a loop… and then we wonder why our confidence feels shaky and why our mood drops.

Well, of course it does!

You’re basically your own bully when you’re doing that!

And if you don’t stop bullying yourself, or constantly criticising yourself, or if you can’t or won’t let yourself see your worth, then you are going to feel more and more like rubbish… and it’s going to have a massive impact on your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Look, I used to be brutal with myself over the smallest mistake. Missed a deadline? Catastrophe. Stumbled over a word? Utter humiliation. I told myself that it was about having high standards, but it wasn’t. It was about fear and old conditioning, and it was a desperate attempt to control the uncontrollable.

Here’s the thing you need to know upfront: that critical voice, that inner bully, didn’t start with you. It’s a learned voice, and it echoes from your childhood, your school, work, or past relationships… and it masquerades as the truth.

But it isn’t.

And while perfection isn’t possible, practicing self-respect absolutely is.

So in today’s episode, we’re going to make a simple shift: from self-punishment to self-respect. I’ll show you practical ways to start turning down the harshness immediately, and I’ll teach you how to build real self-worth over time by sharing the tools that helped me to recover from my breakdown and not only protect my peace, but also to believe in myself and my worth enough that I took the risk to start doing this podcast over six years ago.

So let’s talk about…

What being kinder to yourself really means

When I talk about ‘being kinder to yourself’, I don’t mean pretending everything’s fine or being delusional and thinking that you’re perfect… that’s what social media is for! But what I mean is consciously replacing self punishment with fair and accurate self-respect and self-feedback; the kind that you’d offer to someone you care about.

Kindness is a skill, and it’s a daily practice. It’s about using realistic and proportionate language with yourself, and about having clearer expectations, and finding a more balanced way of holding yourself to high standards without being cruel to yourself if you drop the ball. And the bit that usually gets in the way of all of that is relentless self-criticism.

So let’s look at what that does to your mind, and why it keeps you stuck.

Now, let’s be very clear that relentless self-criticism isn’t the same as having high standards. High standards are specific and fair. They help you to improve. Self-criticism is all-encompassing and it’s harsh. It tells you that you are the problem, and it may even tell you horrible stuff like you’re worthless or useless.

When that voice is loud, your brain treats it like a threat. Your body tightens, your thoughts speed up, and your attention narrows down to focus on what’s supposedly wrong. That makes you much more likely to ruminate on the horrible things that the voice is saying… and so, less likely to take useful action. It’s not motivation; it’s a stress response dressed up as self-discipline or self-evaluation.

Now… because your attention narrows, you start scanning for evidence that you’re failing. You will begin to spot every tiny error and miss the bigger picture of what’s working. That negative bias, that critical bias, pushes you towards ‘all or nothing’ thinking. So for example, you’ll be thinking things like, “nobody will ever like me,” or, “If it isn’t perfect, it’s pointless.”

And then you procrastinate; not because you’re lazy, but because doing something to address all of that feels dangerous. That’s when simple tasks can become a referendum on your worth, and so you end up delaying to avoid the verdict.

Of course, the delay then becomes fresh ammunition for the inner critic. And round and round you go on the wheel of self bullying.

Self-criticism also confuses honesty with hostility. Honesty sounds like, “That paragraph could read better; I’ll tighten it by cutting two sentences.” Hostility sounds like, “that’s terrible, you’re hopeless, you can’t write for crap.” Now… one points to a next step, while the other attacks your identity and your abilities and it leaves you stuck.

Over time, that hostile tone eats away at your willingness to try. You default to smaller and safer choices because the cost of making a misstep, like facing that inevitable backlash in your head, feels just too much. Your creativity suffers, risk taking drops, and life becomes just a sequence of avoidance moves.

Now… there’s another piece here that we don’t talk about enough, which is that the inner bully usually isn’t your voice. It’s borrowed. Generally, it’s going to be a mashup of people from your past: teachers, parents, bosses, peers, maybe with a toxic ex or two thrown in for good measure, and it often pops up in their phrases and tones. So because it feels familiar as a result of that, it can then seem like it’s true.

But familiarity isn’t truth. Just because the same thing is said over and over again, that doesn’t make it true. When you start listening for it, you’ll notice how absolute that voice is, using terms like ‘always’ or ‘never’, and how vague it is, things like ‘that’s not good enough’, but not defining what ‘good enough’ actually is. And you’ll begin to see how it rarely ever offers you a fair and realistic solution. That’s your cue that you’re dealing with conditioning, not clear feedback.

Being hard on yourself doesn’t make you better. That voice doesn’t make you better. It makes you more avoidant. Responsibility is calm, it is specific, and it’s focused on improving… but harshness is noisy, personal, and focused on punishment. When you treat yourself with respect, you actually become more consistent because you’re not wasting your energy on policing yourself. You correct what needs correcting and you keep moving forward.

That’s the shift that we’re focusing on in this episode. This is about moving from a threat driven loop to a much steadier way of thinking, one that leaves room for learning, for trying again, and for doing the next helpful thing.

So now let’s talk about…

Why self-kindness builds real confidence

And it does so because your brain is wired for safety, not perfection. When you attack yourself, your system reads it as a threat and it flips into survival mode: your body tenses up, your thoughts start racing, and you have tunnel vision. In that state, you don’t learn well, you don’t remember well, and you definitely don’t take brave action.

When you stop attacking yourself, you free up a ridiculous amount of energy, and that’s energy that you can spend on actually doing the thing, on learning, and on trying again, instead of policing every so-called failure or imperfection. The fact is that most people aren’t paying attention to you and scrutinising you the way that you think they are.

Being hard on yourself also shrinks your field of view. Shame makes everything about you, “I’m the problem,” and that pulls your attention away from the problem that actually needs to be solved. You end up overthinking everything that you’ve ever said and done, and instead of asking yourself, “OK, what would improve this situation?” you end up ruminating on your perceived character flaws.

Choosing self-kindness re-focuses the question to, “What’s the next specific thing I can do that would help me to move forward?” That shift from focusing on your identity to instead taking action is where your confidence grows… because confidence follows evidence, not judgements.

You’ll also find that kindness frees up a huge amount of your time and head-space. Every minute spent arguing with your inner bully is a minute that you’re not writing, or training, or resting, connecting, or creating, or doing whatever. When you stop burning your energy, physical and emotional, on self attack, you get it back for creating a momentum in your life… and momentum is what pushes you forward, and what changes your day-to-day reality.

So in short, being hard on yourself might feel like it’s control or discipline, but it’s not. It’s just keeping you small. Self-respect, on the other hand, and deliberately being kinder and more compassionate towards yourself, helps you to find balance and peace of mind, and that’s how you grow.

So if your inner critic has been doing the driving for a long time, now is the time to move it into the backseat. Let it comment all it likes, but it doesn’t get to take the wheel anymore. And right after this quick break, I’m going to talk you through how to do that.

[AD BREAK]

And welcome back! Now let’s talk about…

How to stop being mean to yourself

So… let’s make all of this practical with three quick actions you can take this week, then three bigger, longer term shifts that will change the way you treat yourself. You can refer back to the transcript at any time for the specifics of how to do these, it’s linked in the description or just head over to ltamh.com/ episodes and you’ll find all my episodes and transcripts there.

OK, so my first quick action is…

Change the narrative.

When those harsh thoughts pop into your head, you have a choice to make. Do you believe them and let them tear you to shreds over and over again? Or do you choose to recognise that they’re just thoughts, not facts. Because they are just thoughts, not facts.

A simple way to remind yourself of that is to use ‘NRN’: Name, Reframe, Next step, which will take you 60 seconds or less. So when a harsh thought hits, like “you’re useless!”, or “you always mess it up!”, pause and name it. So for example, “that’s criticism, not truth.” Naming separates you from the story, from the emotion, and it gives you a sliver of space.

Then, reframe it to something more accurate and fair: “I’m disappointed this didn’t go to plan… so, what’s the reasonable fix here?” Accuracy matters because your brain will believe whatever you repeat to it. Finally, choose the next step, something that you can do in two minutes or less immediately to move towards a solution. It could be reply with a simple update, fix that one clunky sentence, file the form. You know, you’ll find that taking action quietens the noise in your head. Most spirals will lose power when you start doing the first small thing.

OK, so the next quick action is…

The ‘Worthiness Wedge’.

When a thought like, “I’m not good enough!” lands like a heavy weight on your chest, I want you to insert a ‘worthiness wedge’ between you and it. It is a three line pattern breaker that you can use anytime, anywhere. You can say it, write it, or put it in your notes app, whatever works for you.

First tell yourself, “That’s the old ‘I’m not enough’ story, and it’s not true.” Then tell yourself, “One thing that shows I’m growing is…” and name one thing, even if it’s something small. And then tell yourself, “The next step I’m taking is…” and identify what you’re doing next to move forward, aligned with your values and what really matters to you, so be specific.

So Line one calls the thought out as a story; it’s learned and familiar, but not the truth. Line two forces evidence into the conversation, and it can be small, like “I answered two emails” or “I took a walk instead of doom scrolling.” Line three is then about consciously turning your focus towards motion. So this is not empty cheerleading or ‘rah rah!”… it’s accurate, and it’s forward leaning.

The ‘wedge’ interrupts the all-consuming judgment and it shrinks the moment down to something that feels a lot more human sized and manageable. Look, a quick extra tip for you here: As you’re saying it to yourself, you could pair it with a slow exhale to calm your body, and that leads to even more clearer thinking.

OK, my next quick action is…

Talk to yourself like a teammate.

Look, this one might feel a bit ‘ick’ to start with; it makes me cringe a little bit, even saying it to be honest, but I decided to go ahead and share it regardless, because it’s necessary and it works. High performing teams, sports teams, work teams, whatever, aren’t kind to one another instead of being honest… they’re kind to each other so that they can stay honest without spiralling… because teams need to be able to give one another constructive criticism in order to improve.

So, borrow that approach. Before you start a task, consider yourself to be your own teammate and say one line to yourself that you would offer to someone in your team who you like and respect. Maybe it’s, “OK, keep it simple, one clear step first.” After you finish doing whatever the thing is or deal with the issue, praise yourself: ” Good job!”, or “That made a positive difference!”

Yes, this is going to feel weird and corny for a week or two, but honestly, who cares? Do it anyway! The point here is that you’re retraining the tone that you use with yourself. You’re not trying to worry about what other people think, and you’re not auditioning for Shakespeare. So honestly, who cares if you sound a bit silly? The thing is that your brain takes its cues from repeated language. So if you’re always speaking to yourself with contempt, then your system learns that tasks equal pain. But if your cues are more firm, fair, and respectful, then that changes. Now tasks equal something tolerable, or sometimes even something satisfying; over time, this reduces avoidance and it builds much steadier output. You’re not lowering your standards here; you’re lowering hostility so that you can meet your standards more consistently.

OK, so that is the three quick actions. Let me know in the comments which one you’re going to try out first and why.

So now let’s talk about the longer term changes you need to make to stop being so hard on yourself. And I’m going to encourage you to work on all three of these bit by bit over the next few months; the more you do that, and the more you chip away at those negative thoughts and feelings about yourself, the more you’re going to be able to start to see and feel a stronger sense of your self-worth.

OK, so the longer term change number one is…

Make self-respect non-negotiable.

This whole thing is not about being nice to yourself once every blue moon. It means instead just drawing a line in the sand once and for all, starting right now. Being firm with yourself is fine, being cruel is not, and that’s a non-negotiable from this point forward.

So let’s make that practical. Write down the five nastiest phrases that you tend to throw at yourself; yes, the exact wording! And then next to each one of them, write down a fair replacement; something that you would accept from a decent manager or a trusted friend. So for example, “You’re hopeless!” might become, “This could do with a second pass.”

Now here’s the rule: if you hear contempt in your self-talk then you absolutely must swap it for the fair version before you keep going. Again, non-negotiable. Put one or all of those replacements on your phone lock screen for the week so that it’s in your face when you need it. And look, please bear in mind that you’re going to forget sometimes, and that’s fine, and it’s totally understandable because nobody is perfect… the work is about noticing the nasty thoughts sooner and swapping them out faster. So don’t punish yourself… just keep going.

I’d also suggest to keep an eye out for when these sort of like ‘contempt based thoughts’ tend to show up. Is it in the morning? Is it late in the afternoon? Is it around certain people? And then adjust your day to try to reduce those triggers as much as possible. Self-respect is not a feeling that you wait to have show up. It’s a practice that you do, one kind and fair sentence at a time.

Alright, the next longer term change is…

Rewrite the script you live by.

We’re not going to be going on an archeological dig here and excavating every single childhood memory today… we’re just starting small and building. So we’re going to build your new language and rehearse it until it sticks.

So… pick your top five repeat offenders, in other words, the thoughts that keep on turning up over and over again, and for each one of them write down a fairer and more accurate version that points to a next step. So, for example, if “I always mess things up!” is something that comes up for you very frequently then write down a replacement thought as being, “When things are rough, I’ll take a moment to plan and then start moving forward.”

Whatever you come up with for your list, I want you to say or write your five rewrites to yourself every morning. It’s only going to take you a minute or two, right? But this is about repetition and reinforcement. Now, during the day, if and when one of the old lines or thoughts appear, bring out the matching rewrite immediately… out loud if you can.

In the evening, then take a moment to reflect and write down one sentence about when you used a rewrite during the day and what happened next. That’s it: morning rehearsal, daytime swaps, evening note. Therapy and journaling can and will absolutely help you to refine the language and untangle any, like, ‘sticky’ ones… but, the engine here is repetition; that’s the thing that’s going to get stuff moving forward.

The more you do it, and especially after a few weeks of doing this, and the more you’re going to notice the old phrasing a lot earlier, and the more that the replacement will come out automatically, and that’s where you see a script that’s changing in real time; that’s your self-respect changing in real time.

Alright, so my next longer term change is…

Keep an evidence ledger.

Your inner bully is a nasty little piece of work that thrives on vagueness, so put it back in its box and take back your power with a list of receipts. You can do that with ‘three wins, one learn’. Let me explain.

Every night, write down three small wins from the day, including your behaviours, so don’t just focus on outcomes here, and also one thing you learnt that you’ll apply tomorrow. That’s it. Nice and simple. But then tag each item to a specific value, like kindness, courage, persistence, etc., So that you’re reminding yourself who you’re being, not just what you did.

Keep it brief. So it could be something like, ‘replied to the awkward email’, and then in brackets ‘courage’ as the value… or ‘recorded for 15 minutes’, ‘persistence’. ‘Took a walk instead of scrolling’, ‘self-care’. Right? And then ‘learn’ could be, ‘make calls before midday’. Aim for, whatever you put down, aim for at least a 60-40 balance in your attention, so I’m saying at least 60% of your stuff or your attention should be focused on what’s working and no more than 40% on improvements or challenges, because most of us tend to default to the reverse and we focus on the negative more than the positive… and then we wonder why we feel awful!Now do this daily, but if you do miss a night, don’t backfill it; just pick up where you left off and continue the next night.

Once a week, skim through your notes and write down two lines: the first line is, “This week I showed up by…” and fill in the rest with an observation, like “being fair to myself.” Then the second line is, “Next week I’ll…” and make a specific commitment to yourself that keeps the momentum going.

Over time, all of this stuff builds and it becomes your counter-evidence library. So when the old “I’m not good enough!” story starts to kick off again, you can quite literally point to pages of proof that you do in fact show up, learn, and move forward… and that’s self-worth that is built on facts, not fantasy.

OK, so those are the three longer term things for you to focus on. Wo2rk through them consistently over the next few months, and you’ll gradually feel the shift: less noise, more momentum, and a quieter inner critic that no longer runs the show.

Final tips/conclusion

Here’s the thing.

Being cruel to yourself doesn’t raise your standards. It shrinks you.

Fairness, kindness and self-respect steadies you so that you can try, learn, and keep going. Each fair choice you make turns the volume down on your inner bully, and it frees up that energy for living.

Because when you boil it all down, real confidence grows when you stop punishing yourself and start respecting yourself instead. Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is…

Never think that you’re not good enough, or people will take you at your own reckoning.

Let me repeat that:

Never think that you’re not good enough, or people will take you at your own reckoning.

Alright, that’s it for this week.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world… because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Check out my how to feel more comfortable in your own skin episode next, linked onscreen and in the description. And follow or subscribe for new episodes every week.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program. Discover more at ltamh.com.

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2025 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.