You can’t control everything, so this week we’re talking about how to let go of the stuff you can’t control so that you can focus on what you can. So, Let’s Talk About Mental Health!

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About this episode:

You can’t control everything… but that doesn’t stop most of us from trying!

Whether it’s someone else’s behaviour, the future, your family, or how things should turn out, pouring your energy into things you can’t control is a surefire way to burn yourself out.

And often, we don’t even realise we’re doing it… until we’re mentally and emotionally drained.

This week on Let’s Talk About Mental Health, I’m breaking down how to stop wasting your energy on what you can’t control and how to focus instead on what you can.

Because that shift is where real peace of mind begins.

💡 Quick Tip #1: Next time you feel yourself spiralling, ask yourself: “Is this mine to carry?” If it’s not, step back.
💡 Quick Tip #2: Focus on one small thing you can influence today; then, do it with intention.

Because focusing on what you can control (and making peace with what you can’t) is the difference between staying stuck and finally moving forward.

👉 Ready to stop wasting energy on what you can’t control? Then let’s talk!

The full episode is out now. Watch it, listen to it, or read the full transcript below, and have a great week!

Jeremy 😃

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Episode Transcript:

You can’t control everything. Here’s what to do instead…

I spent months trying to control something that was never mine to control in the first place. 

I nearly burned myself out trying to keep the peace and making everything better by fixing the situation… but all it did was make me miserable, without actually changing anything. 

When you care about something or someone deeply, it’s understandable to want to control things and make them better.

But true peace of mind doesn’t come from trying to control everything.

It comes from knowing where your energy and effort actually makes a difference.

And that’s what this episode is all about.

I’m going to teach you how to stop wasting your energy on the stuff you can’t control and how to redirect that energy into what you can control instead.

Because making that shift is how you protect your mental health… and it’s how you find greater peace of mind.

So let’s talk about focusing on what you can control!

Most of us spend a huge amount of time trying to control the uncontrollable: other people’s opinions, the past, the future, how people behave, what happens next.

And frankly, it’s exhausting.

It creates constant tension, it fuels anxiety, it leads to stress and burnout, it keeps you stuck, and it’s a complete waste of your physical energy and your emotional energy.

Because you cannot control anything other than yourself.

And real peace of mind comes from learning where your power actually lies, and choosing to focus your energy there instead of driving yourself mad trying to control things that you can never and will never be able to control.

And this episode of the Let’s Talk About Mental Health podcast is about how to do exactly that.

So to get there, we need to talk about: what focusing on what you can control really means, why it has such a big impact on your mental health, and how to stop spiralling over things that aren’t yours to control or yours to carry.

By the way, if you’re new here, then hi! I’m Jeremy Godwin, and each week I teach you how to improve your mental health.

So let’s jump into today’s topic and let’s talk about…

What does ‘focus on what you can control’ mean?

So the idea of ‘focusing on what you can control’ is really about making a conscious choice to shift your energy inward and to focus on what you can control, which is you, your own choices, instead of constantly reacting to everything and everyone around you, trying to control things that you have no control over.

We’re going to talk about ‘influence’ versus ‘control’ in a little bit, so just bear that in mind.

But really, at its core, this is about knowing where your power begins and ends. And it’s also about learning to tell the difference, because one of the most important skills for protecting your mental health is knowing the difference between what you can control and what you can’t.

Ultimately, you only ever have direct control over yourself.

You’re in full control of your own thoughts, actions, behaviours, choices, responses, and how you show up in the world. Nothing more, and nothing less.

But what you can’t control is everything outside of that; everything outside of you. 

So… other people’s actions, or their opinions, or their words. You can’t control the past, or the future, or the outcome of things, or what happens on a global stage. You can only influence others or events; so you can let your opinion be known, you can let your desires be known, but it is up to whoever is in the position of control to make the choice on what to do or not to do. You cannot decide on the outcome, or what other people do or don’t do.

And when you try to control the stuff that isn’t yours to control that’s when you’re very likely to drive yourself up the wall.

However… when you choose to consciously focus your energy and attention onto what you can control instead, it frees you up to be a lot more pragmatic and realistic about things. And it also helps you to stop turning yourself inside out, trying to control the uncontrollable.

This is really about making peace with what is.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t want to change things. That doesn’t mean that you don’t rattle people’s cages, and encourage them to be and do better… but it means recognising that the decision to act, the decision to change, is not yours to make if it is somebody else or if it is in someone else’s sphere of control.

All you can control is you, and basically what you do or don’t do as well as what you do or don’t say.

And so, to be clear, this is not about pretending that the outside world doesn’t affect you, because of course it does; you’re a human being after all, and unless you live in a cabin in the woods like a hermit, you are going to have some sort of interaction with other people and with the wider world and so it’s going to affect you.

But… this is really about recognising that trying to control those things that are outside of your control really is a futile waste of time.

Again, influencing things… not being ’an influencer’, we’re not getting onto that can of worms!… but trying to influence things for the better, that’s not a waste of your time whatsoever. But what is is expecting that you can be the one that can control the specific outcome, because the reality is that you can’t.

So… especially when it comes to the people that we care about, I get it; the urge to control really, generally, comes from a place of care and love, or maybe it comes from a place of fear, or even from wanting things to be OK… but the problem is, is that that urge can really backfire if you’re not clear on what’s truly within your power and what isn’t.

Now, I’m very sure that if any of you are parents who are listening to this or watching it, you must be absolutely horrified at what I said… but that’s the thing. Your greatest power lies in understanding that if you cannot directly control it, you need to come at it from a different angle rather than trying to make somebody bend to your will.

Most of the time, whether it’s with kids or with adults, trying to get somebody to bend to your will is the surefire way to send them off in the other direction; to go the complete opposite of what you want them to do!

Your power lies in responding to things thoughtfully.

And so that means letting go of trying to control what other people think or do. It means that you accept that the past is done, and the future is unpredictable. 

Let’s be clear… the future is definitely unknown; it is shaped by what you do and say here in the present, but you can’t guarantee exactly what it’s going to look like… nobody knows what tomorrow’s going to look like, because there are so many millions of different potential events that could influence the way that the future goes.

And so we have to accept that life is lived here and now; I talked about that recently. Uh, I forget what episode number it is [Episode 287], but I’ll pop it in the description or up on the screen if you’re watching.

Look, the idea of not being able to control things outside of yourself, I get it… it’s hardly… it’s hardly going to win competitions as “things that people feel good about!”

But instead of letting it terrify you, really it’s about focusing on your side of the equation and understanding that that means you have full control over your actions, your attitude, your effort, your choices.

Nobody can change those things for you.

Nobody can force you to act a certain way or to do a certain thing.

So that’s the benefit here.

And in fact… fine, you can only control what you can control, which is yourself, but that’s all you need in order to be able to create everything that you could possibly need for yourself and for the people that you care about.

Now, in a relationship, you can’t control how the other person communicates… but you can choose how you express your needs to them, what you specify in terms of what you will and won’t accept in terms of, you know, the way that you’re treated, the way that you’re spoken to, and you can also choose whether or not you stay.

At work, you can’t control office politics… but you can decide whether or not you get involved, as well as how you manage your time and your energy, and what boundaries you put in place, if that’s necessary. Well, I mean, it’s always necessary, but you get my point!

And in the broader world, you can’t control global events… but you can choose how much news you consume and where from, and you can also choose what meaningful action you take, if any; hopefully you are taking some, to contribute to a better reality, to make it very clear what is unacceptable versus what is right. And… in my opinion, that is that we should be on the side of kindness and not doing harm to one another, but that’s another conversation for another day!

Letting go of what you can’t control doesn’t mean giving up, or that you’re approving of something.

It simply means that you are reclaiming your energy for the things that actually matter, and for the things that you can actually control.

Because when you stop trying to control what isn’t yours to manage,  you create space to focus on what is… and that’s how you protect your peace.

So now let’s talk about…

Why letting go of control matters

When you’re trying to control other people and events, it creates a never ending loop of stress and anxiety, especially if it’s not going the way that you want it to or need it to.

Because no matter how hard you try, you’re always going to come up against something that you can’t change. And when that happens, it can feel like it’s failure… even when it isn’t.

Trying to control what’s outside of your power is like shouting into the wind: you pour all this effort into it, but nothing actually changes… and that can lead to bitterness, and helplessness, and even a sense of despair, and it can also be really damaging to your mental and emotional wellbeing.

I mentioned at the start of the episode about my own situation with this recently, and look, I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about it because I’ve talked about it in other episodes, but after having a pretty big disagreement with a family member who didn’t like my choices, it very quickly snowballed and then it had a knock-on effect with my relationship with other family members.

And I tried controlling the situation by reaching out and trying to explain where I was coming from. And I did it in a very calm and rational way, like a typical counsellor… but then that was turned into an issue as well, and things blew up even more beyond that.

And so it took me quite a while, and quite a few conversations with my therapist, to realise that what I was actually doing was trying to control something that I had no control over.

Because no matter how much you might try to control how somebody else interprets your actions, or how they hear your words, you have zero control over how they actually end up looking at things or how their opinions and beliefs weigh into the way that they interpret your words and actions.

So, now, that doesn’t mean that you just give up and never do or say anything; I mean, I talk about the importance of being assertive a lot, and that would be basically the exact opposite so we don’t want to do that!

But it does mean that you really do need to look at things in a realistic and pragmatic way, and that you remind yourself that all you have control over is yourself and what you choose to do and say.

That’s it.

But that’s all you really need.

Because when you learn to focus on your own actions and your own mindset, that’s when everything shifts… because suddenly that’s when you realise that you do have agency in any given situation.

You have full control over what you do and say, or what you don’t do or say.

You may not be able to steer the situation or relationship to the specific outcome or destination that you wanted to or needed to, but you 100% get to decide what you do about that.

You get to decide what happens next, nobody else, simply by virtue of what you do and say.

And when you lean into that, that’s when you start to feel a lot more in control… because you are in control, just not in the way that you used to think you had to be or that you wanted to be.

When you let go of trying to control the uncontrollable, and focus your energy instead on your own choices, you become more present, you waste a lot less time and energy, you build greater resilience, and most importantly, you start to feel just much more at peace with yourself and with your life.

So how do you do all of that? Well, that’s exactly what we’re going to be talking about right after this quick break!

[AD BREAK]

And welcome back!

Now we’re going to get into the how-to part of today’s episode, so let’s talk about…

How to focus on the things you can control

So we’re going to talk through a number of practical tips based around three themes: reclaim your power, protect your energy, and be intentional. 

First, ‘reclaim your power’ is about separating what’s actually in your control from what isn’t, because that helps you to gain greater clarity and to put things into perspective. So my first tip here is… 

Pause and separate what’s yours from what isn’t. One of the single most powerful things you can do when you’re overwhelmed is to take a breath… and mentally step back to sort out the chaos. And so that means getting really clear on what’s actually yours to manage or own… because a lot of it isn’t. So, ask yourself: “Is this something I can resolve myself?” or, “Is this something I’m responsible for?” If the answer is ‘no’, then it might be time to step back or at least to look at things from a different angle. This serves to break the cycle of reactive thinking, and it also helps you to focus on practical action. You can even write up a quick list for yourself: ‘what I can control’ versus ‘what I can’t’. That clarity alone often changes your outlook on everything. Next…

Be honest about your expectations. A lot of frustration comes from expecting other people to act the way that you would, or the way you want them to. But as people, we all have very different perspectives, values, ethics, experiences, and priorities in life, and those are not things that you can control. So when you catch yourself thinking, “Well, they should just do this” or “They should just act this way,” pause and ask yourself: is that realistic? Or is it me trying to make them fit into my version of right? This applies to lots of different situations, whether it’s at work, whether it’s at home, certainly for family members; this is one that happens a lot, especially if you’re a parent, but it can also happen with, you know, your interactions with your own parents or siblings, whatever the case may be. Look, nobody’s saying that you need to let other people just get away with anything that’s doing harm to you, or to themselves, but you also don’t have to choose to engage… and you also need to recognise that you can influence what they do and, I said it earlier and I’m saying it again, you can influence what they do, but you can’t directly control it. So what are you going to do, just bang them over their head repeatedly by telling them that they need to sort something out? You can’t control whether or not they do! And so all you’re doing is frustrating yourself! So instead of doing that, choose how and if you engage… especially if someone doesn’t want to be open to other ways of looking at things. Next…

Let go of the fantasy of control. We all have those mental stories where we imagine that if we just do or say the right thing, we can make someone change or make something turn out the way that we want it to. But those are control fantasies, and the only outcome they guarantee is disappointment. I know, I sound like a broken down record… you cannot control other people! All you have direct control over is yourself, and what you choose to do and say. So letting go means recognising those types of thoughts for what they are and choosing to release them. That might sound like saying to yourself, “I can’t control this, and that’s OK. I’m focusing on what is mine to manage.” This stuff is not always easy, I know; trust me I know, I’m a control freak! But it is incredibly freeing when you let go of the stuff that you cannot control. Next…

Accept that influence is not control. Like I said earlier, sometimes you can influence a situation or a person, but you need to accept that that’s not the same as being able to directly control how it turns out. There really is a piece here to consider about needing to embrace the fact that the outcome may not look or feel the way that you wanted it to, so you need to be willing to work with whatever comes your way; again, that doesn’t mean that you like it but, you know, do you really want to go down the path of kicking up a stink because it isn’t exactly what you wanted? So…   accepting this fact helps you to approach things way more calmly and strategically. You can do it by asking yourself, “What’s one healthy way I can express my needs or my point of view here?” And then go and do that, so you can express them but then let go of trying to force the outcome. So this is particularly helpful in relationships of all kinds, especially in families. You can state what you need or want, and then it’s up to the other person to make the choice to either meet you or not. Their choice is their choice, and it’s about them… not you.

OK, so now we’re going to talk through tips to protect your energy… because you only have so much emotional fuel available, so instead of pouring it into things that you can’t change it’s really about consciously directing it into choices that genuinely serve you. So, first… 

Set clear emotional boundaries. When someone else’s behaviour is affecting you, emotional boundaries protect your energy. So that means separating the other person’s actions from your self-worth, and choosing how much access they have to your head space. So, you can’t control their behaviour… but you can control how much power their behaviour has over your mood and your mindset. I just talked about emotional boundaries in Episode 286; it’s linked in the description, or head to ltamh.com where you’ll find all my episodes linked under ‘Episodes’, funnily enough! So, next…

Limit your exposure to things you can’t change. Exposure to things you can’t control will inevitably wear you down. Now, that doesn’t mean that you just bury your head in the sand or that you hide yourself away from the rest of the world; instead, create smart limits for yourself. That might mean muting accounts, setting a time boundary, or choosing if and when and how you engage… because your emotional energy and attention is a finite resource, and it’s up to you to protect it. Next…

Remind yourself: “It’s not mine”. When your mind grabs onto something you can’t control, like someone’s silence, a comment online, a looming outcome, a piece of bad news… take a moment to just gently remind yourself, “that’s not mine to carry.” Say it out loud if you need to. It’s a simple and quiet way to take your power back, one moment at a time. Next…

Focus on the next small step. When life feels too big or too chaotic, zoom in What’s the next right thing you can do? Something that aligns with your values, or helps you to feel grounded again. So that might be sending a message that you’ve been avoiding, or tidying your space, or going for a walk, or even just drinking some water. So these types of small actions might seem to be really irrelevant but actually they matter, because they serve to shift your mindset from helplessness to agency; to feeling that you’re in control… and that creates momentum.

Now we’re exploring tips to help you be intentional… and the point here is that when things feel messy or uncertain, or out of control, coming back to yourself and making conscious choices about how to move forward allows you to stay calm and more in control. So, first…

 Focus on being responsive, not reactive. Reacting is impulsive. It’s fear or anger in motion. Responding, on the other hand, is thoughtful. It means taking a breath and checking in with yourself, and then choosing how to handle a situation in a calm and intentional way… which is far less likely to lead to a big old mess than just blurting out your feelings, or trying to force your will onto someone. So if you’re in a tough situation, give yourself permission to pause before you speak or act, because that pause is often the power you need. Next…

Use ‘if/then’ thinking to plan your next step. If you’re feeling stuck in a stressful situation, map out your options with an “if this, then that” approach. It’s not about rigid control, it’s about giving yourself clarity. So for example, you could say to yourself: “If I don’t get a reply by Friday, then I’ll follow up once and leave it there.” Boundaries like that help you to take action without spiralling into thoughts of control. Next…

Gently redirect your thoughts. When your brain goes back to the same worry loop, and it will, you don’t need to argue with it; you just need to notice it, then name what’s happening and choose again. Try saying something to yourself like, “That’s not mine to carry,” or, “I’m not going to resolve that by thinking about it for the 48th time.” This is about building mental boundaries with yourself; the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Next…

Anchor yourself in your values. When the world feels uncertain, your values can be your compass. Ask yourself, “What matters most to me?” and “What’s one thing I can do that reflects that today?” So this reconnects you with purpose, and it gives your actions meaning… even when everything around you might feel out of control. Your values remind you of who you are and what you stand for… and that’s something that no-one can ever take away from you. Just a gentle reminder though, that your values are your values…! 

Final Tips and Applying What You’ve Learned

Here’s the thing. You can’t control everything. In fact, you can’t control anything but yourself. Letting go of the desire to control other people or situations can be hard to do, but when you focus your energy on the stuff you can control, like your own words and actions, that’s when you’re able to find true peace of mind.

Because when it comes to focusing on what you can control, what it all boils down to is this: you may not be able to control what happens, but you can control how you respond.

Now, what are you going to do with what you’ve learned today?

Try asking yourself: what’s one thing you’ve been trying to control that isn’t actually yours to manage? And what would it feel like to let it go? Because letting go isn’t giving up; it simply means that you choose to accept that you can’t control everything.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so what choice will you make today?

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you.

This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is…

“You can’t control the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself.  The storm will pass.” 

Unknown

All right… that’s nearly it for this week!

Sign up for my weekly newsletter at ltamh.com and support me on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes. They’re both linked in the description.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

You’ll also find my episode about emotional boundaries helpful; it’s linked in the description.

Next week I’ll be talking about the power of positive thinking. Follow or subscribe to never miss an episode, and have a great week!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program. Discover more at ltamh.com.

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TOOLS & RESOURCES FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

I offer simple digital products that will help you improve and look after your mental health. My Daily Affirmations tool will help you start your day with focus and intention, grounding you and creating a sense of calm. My Daily Reflection Tool is a buy-once-use-forever PDF tool that helps you to do the work that will lead to better mental health and well-being. Plus I have a Masterclass Video which is like your own coaching session with me so that you can get the most out of your daily tool. Buy the two as a bundle and save 20% for a limited time! Click the links below for your chosen product(s):

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ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Find more content at www.ltamh.com

Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2025 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.