244: Assumptions and your mental health

Why are assumptions harmful to your mental health? And can you learn how to deal with assumptions in a more considered way? Well, if you’re ready to learn why assumptions are harmful (and what to do instead) then let’s talk! 😃

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LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

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TRANSCRIPT

What is an assumption, and why are assumptions dangerous? Why do we often make assumptions, and how can you deal with assumptions in a more thoughtful way?

Well, that’s what I’m talking about in this episode of Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes better mental health simple. 

Ready to stop assuming and start being more considered? Then, get comfortable and let’s talk!

Hello and welcome to Episode 244 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about assumptions.

I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of mental health and I teach you simple and practical ways to improve your wellbeing, based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what assumptions are (and what they’re not), why assumptions are harmful to your mental health, and how to let go of assumptions.

So, let’s talk!

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I’m going to assume that you’ve most likely made at least five assumptions already today, even if you haven’t realised it, and you’re probably going to wind up making some more before the day is over. Don’t worry, I’m not judging you; I’ve probably made at least 47 assumptions today myself (including the one I made this morning about the slow driver in front of me who was weaving in and out of the wrong lane; the assumption I made was that they’re an idiot… and I’m still fairly certain I was right!). 

Unkind thoughts about bad drivers aside, we human beings tend to make a lot of assumptions as we go about our business day-to-day… and there’s a good reason why we do it, which I’ll come back to in a minute. But needless to say that very rarely is anything purely black or white in this world of ours, and there are some real issues with making assumptions or jumping to conclusions… not only for your relationships with others, but also in terms of your relationship with yourself. I’ll explain what I mean shortly, but first let’s take a moment to get ourselves on the same page and let’s talk about…

What are assumptions?

OK, so according to my trusty friend the Oxford Dictionary (also known as that handy dictionary function built into Macs!), an assumption is a “thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.” Now, I’m well aware that that sounds like I’m talking about the way politicians and social media influencers go about convincing us to believe something that just isn’t true (like here in Australia a few years back, when a political figure claimed we were being ‘inundated by [refugee] boats’ and the footage he referred to was, like, one boat… but, anyway!) and so it’s important to note that there’s definitely a big connection, because a lot of public figures trade on the power of assumption for their ability to convince people to believe in the crap they’re peddling, but my focus today is more about assumptions at a personal level in terms of how they affect your relationships (of all types) as well as how they affect you directly and indirectly. 

So, assumptions are ideas or beliefs that we accept as being true without any concrete evidence and they’re the mental shortcuts our brains take to make sense of the world quickly. Think of assumptions as being the automatic — and often unconscious —  conclusions we draw based on our past experiences, knowledge, beliefs, values, or expectations.

For example, if you see dark clouds in the sky then you might assume it’s going to rain; this assumption isn’t based on certainty but on your past experiences of dark clouds often leading to rain. So, it’s a way for your brain to prepare and plan without needing to overanalyse every single situation… and that can serve a real, positive purpose. It can also do a lot of harm, if we’re not taking the time to get the real facts about a situation or our feelings (and I’ll come back to that shortly). 

We often make quick assumptions in various situations, like believing someone agrees with us just because they haven’t voiced any objections, or expecting others to know what we need without having to say it. We might also assume someone is incapable of a task because they’re inexperienced or new, or we could make snap judgements about a person’s background or beliefs based solely on their appearance. These types of common assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and misjudgements, which is why clear communication and open-mindedness are so important.

In your everyday life, assumptions can influence your actions and decisions and they can help you make quick judgements in situations where you don’t have all the information; for example, maybe that means assuming that the bakery you always go to will have fresh bread every morning, which allows you to plan your breakfast routine without having to think about it too much. 

We make assumptions primarily because they serve as mental shortcuts that help our brains process information quickly and efficiently. Why? Well, our minds are constantly bombarded with vast amounts of information, and so assumptions allow us to navigate all of this complexity without becoming too overwhelmed. By drawing on our past experiences and knowledge, as well as patterns, we can fill in the gaps and that helps us to make sense of situations without needing to analyse every single little detail (because, quite frankly, if you tried to do that every day your brain would probably explode!). So… this process is part of our brain’s survival mechanism, which enables us to make quick decisions and then react promptly to our environment, situations, etc.

On top of that, assumptions are often influenced by our subconscious biases and expectations — all of which are shaped by our upbringing, culture, and personal experiences. These biases help us to predict and anticipate outcomes, and they provide a sense of control and certainty in an unpredictable world. However, while assumptions can be helpful in some contexts, they can also lead to misunderstandings and misjudgements, especially when they’re not based on accurate or complete information… and that’s why it’s crucial to recognise and challenge our assumptions so that we can ensure they don’t negatively impact our perceptions and interactions (or that we don’t just end up in an echo chamber where we’re only fed our own beliefs all the time… because just believing something doesn’t make it true!). 

Here’s the thing: assumptions are not facts, and we need to know the difference so that we can make informed choices. Just because you think something, or believe something, that does not make it true. And, now, I know that basically goes against the entire foundation of a lot of people’s belief systems, and I mean no disrespect here, but this is about recognising that the assumptions we make can get in the way of creating healthy relationships.  

With that in mind, now let’s talk about… 

Why assumptions are harmful to your mental health

And they’re harmful because assumptions get in the way of the truth, and that’s a problem because truthfulness plays a critical role in healthy relationships with others as well as with yourself. Plus if we assume we know what other people think and feel, we’re not actually communicating with them in a healthy way and respecting their right as individuals to view the world in their own unique way (all of which leads to misunderstandings and even, potentially, resentment or conflict).

Assumptions can shape your perceptions of yourself and others in ways that often leads to misunderstandings; for example, if you regularly assume that other people are judging you negatively, then it can lead to feelings of anxiety and low self-esteem. These assumptions might be based on past experiences of criticism or rejection, but they aren’t necessarily true in every new situation you encounter.

Assumptions can be particularly harmful to your mental health because they often lead to distorted thinking and unrealistic expectations. When you make an assumption, you’re operating on incomplete information, which can lead to incorrect conclusions (which, in turn, can create unnecessary stress and anxiety). For example, if you assume that everyone at work is judging you harshly, then you may experience heightened anxiety and that can affect your performance and overall wellbeing. Over time, these negative thought patterns can contribute to more severe mental health issues like depression and chronic anxiety.

Assumptions can also create a negative feedback loop. When you assume the worst in situations or people, you’re more likely to interpret events in a way that confirms your negative beliefs. I’ve been guilty of this: our nearest big supermarkets are in the next town over and whenever I try to pull out of the carpark of the main one, nine times out of ten there’s traffic and it feels like nobody will let me in (yes, we do get traffic building up sometimes here in the countryside!), and for a really long time it led me to assume that most, if not all, of the people in that town are selfish and rude… but that’s just an assumption based on a handful of drivers (because, seriously, a traffic jam here is like four cars… so it’s not that bad!). Often it can be just one or two experiences that lead us to assume we have a full and clear understanding of the true situation (like with me and my carpark story) but the assumption is based on a ludicrously-low amount of data, so it’s not really valid (because you need a lot more information and evidence to be able to draw a valid conclusion).

In relationships, assumptions can be particularly damaging because they can lead to miscommunication and conflict. When you assume you know what someone else is thinking or feeling without asking them directly, you risk misunderstanding their intentions and actions. Or when you assume that your partner should know what you’re thinking or feeling without you having to communicate, that often leads to frustration and conflict because (of course) your partner isn’t a mindreader and so expecting them to be is unfair and unrealistic; it’s an unrealistic expectation that creates unnecessary pressure and causes misunderstandings or even arguments, leading to feelings of frustration and resentment on both sides.

Assumptions can also fuel negative thought patterns. For example, if you assume that making a mistake at work means you’re incompetent, you might experience unnecessary stress and anxiety… not to mention the fact that this kind of thinking can eat away at your self-confidence over time and negatively affect your overall mental wellbeing.

Making assumptions means that you’re filling in the gaps of your understanding of a given situation. It’s like when you assume your friend is upset with you because they didn’t respond to your message immediately; in reality, they might just be busy or have their phone on silent or be dealing with a personal issue… but the assumption here involves jumping to a conclusion without all the facts (and often not a positive conclusion). And that’s why making assumptions can be harmful, or even dangerous; we often end up creating a narrative that causes more heartache and suffering for ourselves and our relationships.

The thing you need to be aware of is this: in the absence of information the brain will fill in the gaps… and usually when it’s doing that it’s coming from an emotional place, not a rational place. And so that’s the reason why we end up going straight to the worst case scenario or the most outrageous possible explanation for whatever is happening (like thinking that your partner is on the verge of leaving you, when there’s never even been even the slightest indication that there’s a problem, or that the world is about to end because you saw a hysterical news report about something terrible happening in the world). Taking the time to get the real facts about a situation, and not just assuming that our thoughts and feelings are automatically correct, is how you can resolve issues and concerns in a more thoughtful and considered way — a healthier way.

I’ve mentioned in previous episodes that I really like the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the third agreement he lists is, “don’t make assumptions.” I want to take a moment to read you a brief passage which, I think, sums up the issue with making assumptions beautifully. It is:

“We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real… whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. […] It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

So, the point I want to make here is that by challenging and questioning your assumptions you can open yourself up to a much more accurate and realistic understanding of situations and people (and that then reduces unnecessary stress and anxiety, because you’re not jumping to negative conclusions without evidence).

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to let go of assumptions

OK, let’s start with notice when you’re making assumptions — and this is about bringing unconscious thoughts to the surface, allowing you to address them; it’s simply about being aware of your thoughts and curious about them (instead of just letting them run amok). When you catch yourself making an assumption, pause and ask yourself, “Is this really true? Do I have all the facts?” Pay attention to your automatic thoughts and reactions throughout the day; whenever you find yourself making a snap judgement, or feeling certain or uncertain about something without evidence, pause and ask yourself if you’re assuming. For example, if you quickly decide that a colleague’s brief response is a sign of rudeness then take a moment to question whether you might be assuming their intention. By recognising when you’re making assumptions, you can slowly start to challenge and change these automatic thoughts… and awareness is the first step towards healthier thinking patterns and better mental health. OK, next…

Analyse why you make assumptions — understanding the reasons behind your assumptions can help you address them more effectively, because it uncovers the root causes of your automatic thoughts (which are often based on past experiences or ingrained beliefs) so you can choose to manage them differently. Reflect on situations where you’ve made assumptions and consider what led you to those conclusions. Ask yourself questions like, “What past experiences might be influencing this assumption?” or “What beliefs do I hold that could be shaping my thinking?” You might find it helpful to write down your thoughts as part of this process. Next… 

Think about your thoughts — and this is about taking the last two points further with a practice called metacognition, which means thinking about your own thinking processes (as opposed to thinking about what Zuckerberg is trying to do with his empire). What that means is actively becoming more aware of the assumptions you make and understanding how they influence your behaviour. You can do this by regularly reflecting on your thought patterns and questioning why you think the way you do. For example, after a social interaction, take a moment to consider what assumptions you made and how they shaped your responses. OK, next…

Choose to handle assumptions mindfully — which means being aware of your thoughts, and choosing how to respond to them deliberately (which allows you to address assumptions with a clearer and calmer mind, reducing their negative impact). Try mindfulness techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or simply taking a moment to observe your thoughts without judgement. When you notice an assumption arising, acknowledge it and decide whether it’s based on fact or speculation. For example, if you assume your friend is upset with you, take a moment to breathe and consider other explanations for their behaviour before reacting. OK, next…

Focus on facts — focusing on facts means prioritising objective information over your subjective interpretations, which keeps your thinking grounded in reality and reduces the influence of assumptions. Train yourself to distinguish between what you know for sure and what you’re speculating about; for example, if you assume someone is upset with you because of a look they gave, remind yourself that the fact is they gave a look, but the assumption is that it means they’re upset (because you don’t know that for certain; they could be thinking about something else entirely). Journalling and regular self-reflection can be great for this, and I have a simple digital tool to help you do that in just a few minutes each day — it’s linked in the episode description. Alright, next…

Embrace uncertainty — which means accepting that not everything is predictable or knowable. This helps to reduce the need to fill in the gaps with assumptions, allowing you to remain open to various possibilities. Remind yourself that uncertainty is a natural part of life, and focus on being present in the moment. Practice saying to yourself, “It’s OK to not know right now,” and consider the idea that multiple outcomes are possible. For example, if you’re uncertain about how a project will turn out, embrace the uncertainty and focus on doing your best work rather than assuming a negative result. OK, next… 

Seek evidence — which means looking for factual information that either supports or refutes your assumptions; this grounds your thinking in reality, rather than letting it be driven by speculation. Gather information from reliable sources or by directly asking the people involved. For example, if you assume your colleague dislikes you then gather evidence by observing their interactions with you and with others, or (even better) by having a direct and candid conversation with them. Next…

Challenge your thoughts — because you’re not right about everything… nobody is! Challenging your thoughts involves thinking about your assumptions critically and considering alternative explanations, which disrupts automatic negative thinking patterns and encourages a more balanced perspective. Ask yourself questions like, “What evidence do I have for this assumption?” or “What are other possible explanations?” which can help you realise that your assumptions may not be as accurate as you initially thought. And so my next tip is…

Listen to your emotions — assumptions about what other people’s intentions are tend to make up a fairly large chunk of the issues we have in our relationships (regardless of what type of relationship that is), and they’re often driven by our emotions… but we need to remember that emotions are not facts; emotions are a sign we need to explore things in more detail to figure out what’s going on and why we feel that way. Sit with your emotions, consider why you feel the way you feel, and allow time for your rational mind to join in so you can look at things more objectively. Once you have a better understanding of why you feel the way you feel, then you can start to think about how to deal with the situation. And please remember this: it’s better to ask someone directly for clarity than it is to just assume. 

Summary and Close-out

Because when it comes to assumptions and mental health, what it all boils down to is this:

By becoming more aware of when you’re making assumptions, understanding why you make them, embracing uncertainty, and handling your thoughts mindfully, you can foster a more open and positive mindset. Every effort you make to challenge and change these types of automatic thoughts brings you closer to a more fulfilling and harmonious life; it’s simply about making the choice to approach things differently, rather than immediately making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Albert Einstein, and it is:

“Assumptions are made and most assumptions are wrong.”

Albert Einstein

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

How do you deal with assumptions? If you’re on Spotify scroll down and share in the Comments section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or comment on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, plus become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes of all of my podcasts. 

Next week I’ll be talking about reframing. Often we get caught up in one specific aspect of a situation, but things are very rarely ever 100% this or that; so, when we choose to look at things from different angles we can potentially turn obstacles into opportunities and help ourselves to find greater peace of mind. How do you do that? Well, that’s what I’ll be talking about next week! I’ll be talking about what reframing is, why it’s an important tool for better mental health, and how to reframe problems and challenges.

That episode will be released on the 18th of August, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and press the bell to turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com   

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
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Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2024 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.