Let’s Talk About… Shock

How do you deal with a shock or upsetting news? How do you deal with life’s challenges? How can you approach challenges thoughtfully and learn from your problems when sudden changes and tough times happen? And what’s involved in dealing with a shock and dealing with difficulties?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast focused on helping you to improve your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

Versión en español | Versão em português

Listen to this episode on Spotify:

Watch a Quick Video Version of this Episode:

Read the full episode transcript:

This podcast episode was originally released on 2 April, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 173, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about shock and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what shock is, why shocks can have such a big impact on your mental health and wellbeing, and how to navigate through shocks and challenges in a thoughtful way. So, let’s talk about shock!

Introduction

Sometimes in life, things happen that take us by surprise; sometimes that’s a good thing, and unfortunately sometimes that’s a bad thing… especially when the ‘surprise’ is something unpleasant or upsetting. 

If you’ve listened to any of my other episodes released in the past two or three months then you might recall that I’ve mentioned a few times that the start of 2023 was quite challenging; I’m about to discuss why for the next couple of minutes, however — spoiler alert — this involves a discussion about someone’s passing, and so if that’s going to be difficult or triggering for you to listen to then I suggest you jump ahead; you’ll find a timestamp in the episode description for the next part of the episode which is discussing what shock is, so feel free to skip this bit if it feels too uncomfortable.

For everyone else: I found out in my first week back at work for the year, in early January, that one of my clients had died and it completely threw me. I see a handful of clients as a coach and counsellor, and I’m really lucky that I get to choose who I work with and I genuinely enjoy and appreciate every single one of my clients. I had one who was a no-show for a session the day before I went on my break at the end of 2022 and while I was concerned, I wasn’t concerned if you know what I mean… simply due to the fact that it had happened a few times before so it’s not like it came out of nowhere. When I came back from my break on the Monday and realised she still hadn’t responded to my messages, I began getting more concerned. By the Thursday I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and something made me Google her name… and I came across her obituary. It turned out that she had died the day after her last session with me, which explains why I didn’t see or hear from her the following week when we were scheduled for the next one.

Now, before we go any further, let me say that although I don’t know the circumstances surrounding her death (and that’s a thing that I’ll discuss more in a moment) I don’t suspect any self-harm; without breaking her confidentiality, this client had a lot of serious medical issues and had ended up in hospital quite suddenly many times, and had had several brushes with death during the two-plus years we worked together.

Seeing her obituary in cold, hard, online print left me stunned and speechless, and then a minute later I had a very strong emotional response which involved a lot of tears. Unfortunately I had chosen Thursday morning to do this and that meant I had four back-to-back client appointments to do that day, starting in half an hour. I calmed myself down, cleaned myself up, locked my feelings away in a box and got on with the task of supporting other clients. It wasn’t until the last appointment of the day that my façade broke; a client said something really nice to me at the end of the session which made me emotional, and then all the emotions came to the surface and I tried unsuccessfully to keep them at bay… the floodgates didn’t totally open, but there was still plenty of water! I explained why I was so emotional and thankfully he was very understanding, but once I got off that call I was a mess.

Here’s the point of me sharing this: the sudden shock of that news was very overwhelming, and I just didn’t really know how to even begin processing it. Add to that the challenge that many professionals like myself face in that there’s no way for us to know exactly what happened; we have a confidential relationship with our clients, and that confidentiality extends indefinitely, and so that means that there’s really no way we could ever find out any details… so dealing with the shock is one thing, then add to that the whole ‘closure just isn’t going to happen’ thing and you’ve got a recipe for personal torment! 

Anyway, I’m in a much better headspace about it now thanks to many, many conversations with several trusted people (including my partner and my therapist), but it’s something that has really made me reevaluate my priorities and it’s what pushed me to cut my work back to four days a week (and actually stick with it); I have several joking emails from my client from the afternoon after we last met, and of course she could never have known that the following day would be her last. Life really is short and when I say we need to learn how to be fully present and live each day to its fullest, I really mean it!

So, thank you for listening to me telling you that story; I have pushed this topic back in my schedule several times because I just wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I really needed to and I hope this episode can serve as a small celebration of the life of someone who was incredibly generous and passionate about what she did.

So now let’s talk about…

What is shock?

And the Oxford Dictionary describes ‘shock’ as “a sudden upsetting or surprising event or experience” or “a feeling of disturbed surprise resulting from a sudden upsetting event”. 

Some shocks are major, and some are just minor. Just the other day I was driving and Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start The Fire came on the radio and, without realising, I started singing along for a moment which then completely shocked me; I mean, I’m middle aged but I don’t think I’m that middle aged! Anyway…

There are a couple of things I want to explore from that definition I just shared. The first is the way that shock is described as being ‘sudden’ or ‘surprising’, and the thing is that, yes, we can have good shocks that are pleasant and joyful, like receiving a sudden financial windfall, but generally speaking the majority of ‘shocks’ tend to be more unpleasant in nature. I wish there were far more of the good shocks happening on a day-to-day basis, but they just don’t seem to happen as frequently as the not-so-good kind; perhaps that’s just because we human beings tend to have what’s known as a ‘negativity bias’, which is where the negative often stands out more in our minds than the positive (and that’s a topic I’ll be covering in a few months’ time) but, broadly speaking, it’s these ‘out of the blue’ bits of news that tend to have such a big impact on us simply by virtue of the fact that they’re usually sudden and unexpected, so we just aren’t prepared for them… what we end up with a big emotional reaction while we try to process our feelings, and at the same time we may also have to navigate through practical considerations or things that need to be done to move forward from whatever has happened.

The second thing I want to explore from that definition I shared is the way it describes shock as “a feeling of disturbed surprise”, because many of the shocks we have to deal with in life are disturbing and unsettling; they throw us for a loop and we can become disoriented emotionally, which makes it more challenging to find an even footing in order to navigate through everything. And often that’s the time where we have to make lots of decisions, so it’s hard work to try and be rational when your emotions are in overdrive.

I remember when Mum was being moved into the nursing home in September 2020, which was ordered by the state trustee and so it happened really quickly and wasn’t our decision (although it was definitely the right one); my point is that it still came as a shock and it was already a tough time with the pandemic and personal stuff I was dealing with, and then suddenly not only did we have to get our heads around this enormous thing that had just happened, but we also had to make 1001 decisions… and frankly I could barely focus on what I needed to do to get through the day, let alone making these kinds of life-altering decisions for someone! It was really unsettling and, in hindsight, we did what we had to do and we did well, but it probably would have been a little less stressful if we had just given ourselves permission to breathe and process the emotions we were dealing with at the time, because it really was a lot to handle. 

At the same time, it was basically overnight where I had to suddenly get my head around the fact that my childhood home was being cleared out and vacated for someone else to live in it; don’t get me wrong, I had zero intentions of ever going back to that place because it holds too many terrible memories, but I had never even considered the idea of it no longer being part of our lives and so I had to deal with the shock of that quite suddenly (and I was was really surprised by just how emotional I became). My point is that shocks can cause a ripple effect through our lives far beyond just the initial event or whatever, so you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

And so that leads me to the next part of this episode… 

Why shocks can have such a big impact on your mental health and wellbeing

And the thing is that shocks, like traumatic experiences or unexpected events, can have an enormous impact on your mental health and wellbeing due to the way they can affect your sense of safety, stability, and control… not to mention the fact that they often shake up your world and mess with your head!

When we experience a shock, it can set off a wide range of emotional and physical reactions that can be overwhelming and hard to deal with. For example, your fight-or-flight response might be activated, leading to physical symptoms like increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and muscle tension. This response can also cause us to feel anxious, fearful, or even panicked.

According to an article in Psychology Today (which you’ll find linked in the transcript), “The hallmark symptom of shock is feeling a surge of adrenalin… You may feel jittery or physically sick, like you’re going to vomit or have [diarrhoea]. Your mind will likely feel very foggy, or like you can’t think straight. You may feel out of body. Your chest may feel tight. You may feel a disconnection from what’s happening, like you’re watching a movie of events unfolding rather than actually being there. You may feel intense anger and want to scream or yell — for example, if your child is injured while someone else is supposed to be watching them. You may feel like you want to run. […] These symptoms are all part of the body’s acute fight, flight, or freeze response. Your body prepares you for fast, thoughtless action. For example, blood rushes to the muscles in your limbs ready for you to spring into activity; we tend to hyperventilate as well, which leads to the cognitive symptoms of feeling spacey and foggy.” 

And, again, you’ll find that linked in the transcript which is available for free in English, Spanish and Portuguese at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes (and it’s linked in the episode description).  

On top of those more immediate physiological symptoms, shocks can also challenge what we thought we knew about ourselves and the world around us. For example, a traumatic event might make us feel like we can’t trust people anymore, or like we’re not in charge of our own lives, all of which can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, and in despair.

It’s worth remembering that everyone deals with shocks differently, and some people might be more resilient than others or have a different threshold for how much something affects them. And, of course, it also depends on the type of shock you’re dealing with and the level of trauma associated with it. But, generally speaking, if you’re struggling with your mental health after a shock then it’s important to seek help; there are lots of different therapies and treatments available that can help you to process the shock and learn how to cope with what you’ve been through.

So this feels like a good time to get into the how-to part of this episode, so now let’s talk about…

How to navigate through shocks and challenges in a thoughtful way

And the first one is to stop and give yourself time to calm down — and rather than me telling you my perspective on this (since it’s a piece of advice I tend to give a lot), I’m going to quote the Psychology Today article I mentioned earlier; the quote is: “Since it’s hard to think straight when you’re in shock, you should give yourself a chance to calm down before acting, unless quick action is necessary. You may be tempted to make a poor decision. For example, you might feel tempted to drive off after you’ve hit someone else’s car, even though you know that’s not morally right and could result in legal problems. This urge to run isn’t you being a terrible person — it’s just your flight response. You need to give yourself a few minutes for your rational brain to take over. Likewise, try not to hit anyone or throw anything. That urge is your fight reaction. In a situation like being stopped by the police, [recognise] that you may find it very difficult to listen accurately and follow instructions, so take it slow [and don’t] make any sudden movements. Ask the officer to repeat back instructions as necessary and stay polite.” And, again, that quote is in the transcript. I shared that because I feel like it gives a nice way of practically looking at how shock can affect you in the moment; the main thing is to take your time as much as possible. That helps you with my next point…  

Be patient with yourself — because no amount of trying to rush yourself is going to make you be OK with things any sooner! It takes time to work through shocks and challenges in life, so give yourself time. And speaking of that, my next point is… 

Take time to process your feelings — because you need to allow yourself the time and space to acknowledge your emotions and to process them in response to a shock or challenge. That might involve talking with someone, which I’ll come back to in a bit, but it’s also about letting yourself feel what you need to feel; your emotions tell you how you really feel about a situation, and so they serve an important purpose… if you just ignore them or try to suppress them, they don’t actually go anywhere and they have a terrible habit of popping back up to say hello when you least expect it (and generally when you really don’t want it to happen!). I covered emotions back in Episode 57 so you’ll find that helpful for more tips on managing emotions in a healthy way. OK, next… 

Take care of yourself — and that means making your physical and emotional wellbeing a top priority during tough times. Why? Because when you take care of yourself, you can better handle the challenges life throws your way. That means eating well, getting as much sleep as possible, and limiting substance use (I mean, if you want my honest opinion I think it should mean ‘no substance use’ but that’s just because I’m not someone who can do moderation; basically, just tread carefully around anything that isn’t a healthy coping mechanism). OK, next…

Be flexible — because life is unpredictable, and sometimes plans change in an instant. So stay open-minded and adaptable, and don’t be too hard on yourself if things don’t go exactly as planned or if you need to change direction. That means trusting yourself to find new ways forward, and it also means asking for help if you’re not sure what to do or how to proceed. OK, next…

Focus on what you can control — because when you’re dealing with a tough situation or when the world feels chaotic, it’s easy to feel powerless. Instead of focusing on what you can’t control, consciously turn your focus towards what you can control; you always have total control over what you do and say, as well as what you don’t do or say, and that means that you — and you alone — have the power to make positive changes in your own life. OK, next… 

Take breaks — because when you’re dealing with a crisis or navigating through some sort of challenge or shock, it can feel like you have to be ‘on’ all the time. However, taking breaks and giving yourself time to recharge is absolutely essential for your mental and emotional health. You cannot fill from an empty cup and so you have to make time to look after yourself, especially if you’re supporting others or dealing with a lot of emotional stuff, so give yourself permission to rest and recharge. Next… 

Practice self-compassion — and that means choosing to be kind and compassionate with yourself especially during tough times. Here’s the thing: you’re doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone can ask of you… yourself included! Don’t expect perfection from yourself, because ‘perfect’ just doesn’t exist, and if you make a mistake or drop the ball then show yourself kindness and understanding; it’s hard enough to get things right all the time when you’re feeling cool, calm and collected, let alone when you’re in shock and trying to deal with something upsetting or traumatic! Be patient with yourself, and just remember that things will get better with time, effort and perseverance. I covered self compassion in Episode 153 and I’d suggest checking that out, especially if you’re someone who can tend to be really tough on yourself. OK, next… 

Do things that make you feel better — it’s perfectly OK to still do things that bring you joy or even just put a little smile on your face; you don’t have to spend 100% of your time in crisis mode and it’s not selfish. Doing things you enjoy can help boost your mood and improve your overall wellbeing, which will then give you more emotional energy to deal with whatever you’re dealing with… so make time for hobbies, spending time with loved ones, or other activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Next… 

Don’t make rash decisions — look, sometimes we can be so blindsided by a shocking event or situation that it feels enormous and life-changing… and maybe it is! But you don’t need to worry about that until you’ve had time to really process things and are able to be much more logical and rational about your choices. I think that re-examining our lives and thinking about what we might want to change, or do differently, is a healthy thing (and in fact I mentioned at the start of the episode that the challenge I dealt with recently led me to make changes by prioritising my personal life more over my work), but the point here is not to just have a knee-jerk reaction and make sudden, massive life changes; take your time and approach any changes in a thoughtful and considered way. OK, next… 

Use a journal — you know that thing I said earlier in the episode about not bottling up your feelings? A great way to express them is to write them out, because it’s a physical release and a way of channelling those thoughts out of your brain and down onto paper. I suggest this one a lot and my only real caveat here is to please, please, please use actual pen and paper instead of tapping away at a keyboard or typing on your phone; there is something about the physical process of writing that helps that energy to flow out of your body in a way that technology just cannot reproduce, and the point here is to get the emotions out of your head so they don’t just go round and round and round until you wind up dizzy or exhausted (or both!). Writing down your thoughts and feelings can really help you to start processing your emotions and, over time, allow you to gain clarity and insight about your situation. Aside from the suggestion I made about writing as a way of channelling that energy when you’re feeling it, I’d also suggest to just generally try journalling for a few minutes each day in order to reflect on your experiences and emotions. OK, next…

Get support — and of course I was going to say this one, since I do most episodes, but let me be very clear and say that not only do you not need to navigate through shocks and challenges on your own, you really shouldn’t. Do you know why? Because when you try to deal with it all on your own, it can feel both overwhelming and isolating… which, in turn, makes it more likely that things could spiral out of control and affect your mental health. Remember, you really are not alone! Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a professional for guidance and support. Sometimes, talking to someone else about what’s going on or what you’re feeling can help you to gain a fresh perspective or find new solutions that you might never have considered… and, most importantly, it helps you to feel less alone. Because you’re not, and you’ll be OK with time.

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to shock and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: sometimes things happen that take us completely by surprise, and it can be disorienting and cause you to lose your sense of direction or not know how to deal with the situation in order to move forward. Having to figure out what to do and how to go about handling things can feel overwhelming, and at the same time we might be struggling to process our emotions and the reality of whatever happened. Take things one day at a time, one step at a time, and you’ll be OK.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by writer Deborah Wiles, and it is:

“Life is full of surprises, but the biggest one of all is learning what it takes to handle them.”

Deborah Wiles

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next time I’ll be talking about peace of mind. There are so many different things competing for our energy and attention, both internally and externally, and I don’t know about you but sometimes I find it all a bit too exhausting! One thing that I’ve come to prioritise above all else is my sense of calm and peace of mind, and it’s allowed me to take a much more thoughtful and considered approach to what I do — and don’t do — with my time. So, that’s what I’m talking about next time! I’ll be talking about what peace of mind is, why it matters for your mental health, and how to find greater peace of mind in your life.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 9th of April, 2023. 

You can find more practical tips to improve your mental health in my latest book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! which is available from Amazon and Apple Books, and sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au for a weekly dose of inspiration. Plus, join me on Patreon for exclusive extra content and benefits, including early access to episodes; you’ll find all of those linked in the episode description.

And follow me on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

Special thanks to my wonderful supporters on Patreon for helping support my work (in alphabetical order): Agustina V., Amanda K., Bill R., Brittnee, Carol B., Charlie C., Dario M., Delilah O., Florentyna D., Iain G., Isabel, Janis & Steve A., Jaslyn N., Jasmine H., Julio F., Kaiulani B., Karen R., Laila L., Lara K., Lenka C., Leon H., Maya H., Michael W., Monique T., Monte W., Nikki S., Rachel D., Rhonda P., Richard W., Roxanne L., S. L., Sonia K., Susan S., Tatiana, Tatiana A., Tecihila A., Terri B., Vanessa P., William S. — your support is greatly appreciated and it helps me to keep creating my content!

For a small monthly amount, you too can become a supporter on Patreon and access exclusive content while also supporting my work; click here to find out more.

Did you like what you just read? Then please share this with someone who might appreciate it, like a friend, family member, or coworker… because word of mouth helps other people to find Let’s Talk About Mental Health! Thank you 🙂

Find more content at www.letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au

Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.