How can you improve your assertiveness, and can you learn how to be assertive not aggressive or passive? Well, if you’re ready to learn how to be assertive then let’s talk! 😃
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What is assertiveness, and what’s the link between assertiveness and good mental health? And can you learn how to be assertive?
Well, this week I’m sharing lots of practical tips to be more assertive here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes better mental health simple.
Ready to learn assertiveness techniques that actually work? Then, get comfortable and let’s talk!
Hello and welcome to Episode 242 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about how you can be more assertive.
I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of mental health and I teach you simple and practical ways to improve your wellbeing, based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what being assertive means, why it matters, and how you can improve your assertiveness skills.
So, let’s talk!
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Assertiveness is a topic I covered long, long ago in Episode 45 (which just so happened to come out almost four years ago… a fact that makes my head feel like it may explode!), and it’s a topic I get a lot of follow-up questions about, maybe more so than almost any subject I’ve covered except for overthinking. And so, in the words of the great philosopheress Britney Spears in her classic 2007 song Gimme More, “They want more? Well, I’ll give them more…”
So, random Britney references aside, as I said at the end of last week’s episode assertiveness is basically the art of getting what you need without completely destroying your relationships in the process and it’s something that a lot of people find really challenging to do. It can be hard to ask for what we need, especially when we’re conditioned to avoid conflict or to put the needs of others before our own (or both), but the issue there is that not being assertive generally leads to miscommunication and resentment; the goal is to handle things in a firm-but-fair and kind way so that you’re able to say what needs to be said… and we’ll talk about how to do that a little later.
Just a quick note here that you can consider this episode a much more practical extension of the other one I did about assertiveness (Episode 45), so in this one I’m not going to be spending too much time on the theory and — aside from some initial positioning information — instead we’ll spend most of today getting into the practical nitty-gritty of how you can be more assertive.
So, let’s start by getting ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about…
What being assertive means
Being assertive means standing up for yourself and expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear, direct, and respectful way to others, whether that’s in your closest relationships (like your family, friends, partner if you have one) through to less-personal relationships (such as your coworkers, neighbours, acquaintances, etc.). It involves being open and honest about what you need, while also being respectful of the needs of others.
When you’re assertive, you confidently communicate your needs, wants, and boundaries without being aggressive or passive. It’s about striking that ideal balance between advocating for yourself while also considering and respecting the feelings and rights of others.
When you choose to practice being assertive, you’re acknowledging your own worth and the importance of your perspective. You don’t shy away from voicing your opinions, even if they differ from the people around you. This isn’t about always getting your way or overpowering others; it’s about ensuring that your voice is heard and that your needs are taken into account. Assertiveness allows you to express yourself honestly and openly, which can lead to more genuine and meaningful interactions. In that way, assertiveness is an act of self-respect and self-care because it’s about respecting yourself enough to communicate your needs clearly, honestly, and without apology (even if the idea of conflict might feel a bit uncomfortable, or even scary).
Beyond that, being assertive helps you to establish and maintain clear boundaries — which are an absolute necessity for healthy relationships. When you clearly communicate what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not, you’re setting the stage for relationships that are much more respectful and balanced. You’re less likely to feel taken advantage of, or resentful, because you’re actively participating in how you’re treated. Now, that doesn’t mean that you’ll never compromise (because we can’t all get our own way all the time!), but it does mean that any compromises you make are done from a place of mutual respect.
So, in essence, assertiveness is about recognising your own value and ensuring that others do too. You have the right to express yourself and to be treated with respect, and being assertive is the key to making that happen.
OK, now let’s talk about…
Why being assertive matters
So, assertiveness is all about finding that sweet spot between passivity and aggression, allowing you to communicate effectively without being pushy or being pushed around. When you’re assertive, you’re in control of your own narrative… which can (and will) completely transform how you interact with the world around you.
When you’re assertive, you’re much more likely to experience higher self-esteem and confidence; when you stand up for yourself, you’re acknowledging your own worth, and that can significantly improve how you feel about yourself and your place in the world.
On a broader scale, being assertive helps you build stronger and healthier relationships. You’re able to set clear and fair boundaries, communicate your limits, and ensure that your needs are met without stepping on anyone else’s toes… all of which leads to mutual respect and understanding, creating a more harmonious environment in both your personal and professional life. Plus, assertiveness reduces stress and anxiety, and that leads to better overall mental health. By being clear about your needs, you create a more balanced and fulfilling life for yourself; one where you feel more in control.
When you’re assertive, you’re less likely to feel overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of others, which can help to alleviate stress and prevent burnout. Assertiveness can also help you avoid feelings of resentment and frustration that often come from bottling up your true feelings; so, by openly communicating your needs, you’re actually taking proactive steps to protect your mental wellbeing.
One of the key benefits of being assertive is that it empowers you to make decisions that are in your best interest. You’re the one in control of your life, which means that by being assertive you’ll be less likely to be swayed by others’ opinions or pressured into doing things that don’t align with your values or goals. This sense of agency is absolutely, fundamentally crucial for maintaining a healthy and balanced life; when you choose to be assertive, you’re not only advocating for yourself but also setting an example for others to do the same.
Being assertive isn’t about being selfish or rude; it’s about honouring your own needs and feelings while still respecting others… after all, if you don’t look after your needs then who will? Because nobody’s going to do it for you! Being assertive is about creating a life for yourself where your voice is heard, your needs are met, and your mental health is prioritised… as it should be!
So then, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How you can improve your assertiveness skills
OK, first, give yourself permission to be assertive — because far too many of us hold ourselves back due to fear of conflict or a desire to please others, however that generally just leads to resentment and unfulfilled needs. By consciously deciding (and accepting) that you deserve to be heard and respected, you’re empowering yourself to communicate more effectively. You can start this process by regularly reminding yourself that your voice matters and that assertiveness is a healthy and necessary part of personal and professional relationships. Try using affirmations like, “I have the right to express my needs and feelings” to reinforce this mindset. When you give yourself permission to be assertive, you build confidence and pave the way for more authentic and satisfying interactions with others. OK, next…
Focus on finding solutions, rather than worrying about or anticipating potential conflict — so, that was quite a mouthful but let me explain what I mean. This is about making an important mindset shift; instead of letting fear and avoidance drive you, it’s about consciously directing your energy towards positive outcomes and collaborative solution-finding. The dread of having a tough conversation with someone is often a lot worse than the actual discussion itself, and even if there is a bit of conflict that’s actually a healthy thing; conflict is not a bad thing, it’s just how you both choose to deal with the conflict that determines whether it ends up as a positive or a negative (and a bit of healthy conflict, managed in a mature way, can actually end up moving a relationship forward). When you approach interactions with a problem-solving attitude, you demonstrate that you’re committed to addressing issues constructively and respectfully… which reduces any potential anxiety around having the discussion and makes you more confident in your ability to handle difficult conversations. You can do this by actively looking for common ground and proposing mutually beneficial solutions during discussions (and I even find it helpful to state upfront that I want to work together to find a solution, so it’s clear I’m not going into the discussion looking for an argument). By concentrating on resolving issues, rather than fearing confrontation, you can create a much more positive, proactive, and assertive approach to communication. OK, so my next tip is…
Use direct and assertive language — choosing your words carefully can make a significant difference in how your message is received. Assertive language is clear, direct, and respectful. Avoid passive phrases like “I guess” or “maybe” and instead use definitive statements like “I need” or “I want,” which shows confidence and clarity. Practice rephrasing your sentences to be more assertive and ensure your needs and opinions are being communicated effectively (and I covered communication back in Episode 134). Next…
Learn how to manage conflict — handling conflict assertively means addressing issues directly without being confrontational, which prevents misunderstandings and resolves problems before they escalate. Like I said before, approach conflicts with a problem-solving mindset. For example, you might say, “I noticed we have different views on this project. Can we talk about a solution that works for both of us?” This method promotes collaboration and mutual respect. I covered conflict back in Episode 88 if you’d like to explore that topic in more detail. OK, next…
Set clear boundaries — clearly-defined boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and your self-respect, because they help you protect your personal space and priorities. Identify areas where you need boundaries (such as work hours, personal time, or acceptable behaviour from others), and communicate those boundaries clearly and consistently. For example, if you need uninterrupted time to focus on a task, say, “I need to work without distractions for the next hour.” By being upfront about your limits, you can ensure they’re respected. Next…
Ask for what you want and need — because if you don’t ask then you don’t get! Don’t hesitate to ask for what you want, whether it’s a raise at work or more support at home; the worst-case scenario is that the answer is no, and at least then you know where you stand. This is about ensuring your needs are addressed, rather than letting them go unspoken (because other people can’t read your mind, and it’s not fair to expect them to just magically know what you need or want… sure, it would be nice if they did, but we’re all caught up in our own stuff and worrying about our own needs and wants!), so be clear and specific about your request. For example, try saying, “I’d like to discuss the possibility of a salary increase based on my recent achievements and added responsibilities.” Being straightforward about your desires increases the chances of them being met. If you’d like a hand with working through making changes in your life, check out my other podcast Change Your Life! (which is linked in the episode description). Next…
Take responsibility for your feelings — owning your emotions and reactions is a key aspect of assertiveness, because it prevents you from blaming others and encourages self-reflection. Use statements like “I feel” instead of “You make me feel” — it sounds a whole lot less like an accusation, and also when you focus on your own emotions other people can’t really argue since they’re your feelings! For example, you could say, “I feel frustrated when deadlines are missed because it affects my work schedule.” This approach promotes constructive dialogue and personal accountability. OK, next…
Practice being assertive in everyday situations — because every interaction is potentially an opportunity to practice assertiveness, and it helps build your skills and confidence over time. For example, if a barista gets your coffee order wrong, politely correct them by saying, “I asked for an espresso, not a latte. Can you please remake it?” These small, daily practices make it easier to be assertive in more significant situations. I just did this the other week; I was in a department store I’d never been to before and was trying to find a register to pay so I followed the signs, and when I got there I was promptly told by the man that worked there that I couldn’t pay there and had to go to another register quite a distance away. I pointed out the big ‘Pay Here’ sign and he made some excuse about it being out of date, to which I said the store needed to update it. I went to the other register and that same man followed me over (to speak to the cashier about something else), and I made the point about the sign again (calmly and patiently), and he then cut me off and told the other person that he had already told me it was out of date. Needless to say I was quite annoyed by this stage, but I wasn’t going to be ignored, so I said, “Yes, and it would be helpful if you’d listen to the feedback I’m giving you about having the sign corrected instead of just cutting me off.” Look, I could have just let it go but it’s the principle of the thing and I feel like any time you let yourself be dismissed you’re making it just a little more difficult to be assertive if and when the situation calls for it (by all means pick your battles though; I probably would’ve been more inclined to let it go if he hadn’t have been so rude!). OK, next…
Be persistent but polite — assertiveness often requires persistence, especially when others may not immediately respect your boundaries or requests (like in the example I just gave!). Being persistent shows you’re serious and committed, without being aggressive. If someone ignores your initial request, calmly restate it. For example, “As I mentioned earlier, I need to focus on this task and can’t be interrupted.” Being polite-yet-firm reinforces your message and increases the likelihood of it being respected. Also, remain calm and composed during conversations which helps you to stay in control and think clearly. This is important because emotional reactions can undermine your assertiveness. Practice deep breathing techniques or take a brief pause before responding to keep your composure. When you feel your emotions rising, remind yourself to stay calm, which will help you respond more thoughtfully and assertively. Next…
Use confident body language — your body language plays a significant role in how your assertiveness is perceived. Standing or sitting up straight, keeping your shoulders back, and using open gestures can convey confidence, which reinforces your verbal messages and makes you appear more self-assured. Also, maintaining eye contact conveys confidence and sincerity, which shows you’re engaged and serious about what you’re saying. When speaking with someone, try to hold their gaze for a few seconds at a time; that doesn’t mean staring them down, but instead it means making consistent eye contact. OK, next…
Use positive self-talk — which can boost your confidence and reinforce your assertiveness, because it builds your self-esteem and prepares you mentally for assertive interactions. Before a challenging conversation, remind yourself of your strengths and the importance of your needs; try using phrases like, “I deserve to be heard” or “I can handle this situation confidently” which can be powerful motivators. OK, next…
Prepare and rehearse — if you know you’ll be entering a situation where you need to be assertive, preparation is key because it reduces anxiety and makes you feel more confident. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it, and rehearse your statements in front of a mirror or with a friend; this can include practicing your tone, volume, and body language. This is also really helpful if you need to say “no” to something but don’t feel comfortable doing so. By preparing ahead of time, you’ll be able to communicate more effectively when the moment comes (and it’ll feel less weird to say what you need to say, because you’ve already practiced it!). Next…
Know when to compromise — assertiveness doesn’t mean always getting your way; it involves finding mutually-beneficial solutions to foster cooperation and respect. Identify areas where you can be flexible and communicate your willingness to compromise when necessary. For example, say “I understand your point of view. Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.” This is a more collaborative approach that strengthens relationships and resolves conflicts more effectively. Next…
Reflect on your interactions — taking time to regularly reflect on your interactions with others helps you understand what worked well and what could be improved, allowing you to learn from your experiences and develop better assertiveness skills. After a conversation, ask yourself reflection questions like, “Did I communicate my needs clearly?” or “How did the other person respond?” and use this reflection to adjust your approach in future interactions. And so that leads to my next tip…
Develop your emotional intelligence — which involves learning to manage your emotions and understand others better, allowing you to navigate interactions more effectively. You can develop greater emotional intelligence by practicing empathy, recognising your own emotional triggers, and learning to regulate your emotions… all of which will help you remain calm and be more assertive in various situations (and I’ll be doing an episode about emotional intelligence in a couple of months’ time, so keep an eye out for that; join my mailing list at ltamh.com to have new episodes land in your inbox each Sunday). OK, next…
Know your rights — understanding your rights, in various contexts, can empower you to be more assertive because it reinforces your confidence in standing up for yourself. Educate yourself about your rights at work, in relationships, and in public settings. Knowing that you’re entitled to fair treatment and respect can make it that much easier to assert yourself when necessary.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to being assertive and mental health, what it all boils down to is this:
Assertiveness is about standing up for yourself. By recognising your worth, and embracing your right to express your needs and feelings, you can pave the way for more genuine and fulfilling interactions. Remember, assertiveness isn’t about being confrontational but about fostering respect and understanding in all of your relationships. You deserve to be heard and you deserve to be respected, and it’s up to you to choose to make your needs a priority in a firm-but-fair way.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author and it is:
“What you allow, is what will continue.”
Unknown
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
What does being assertive mean to you? If you’re on Spotify scroll down and share in the Q&A section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or comment on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And discover more tips on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, plus become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes of all of my podcasts.
Next week I’ll be talking about talking.
In the early days of this show I used to use a tagline that went, “Because the more we talk about it, the easier it gets,” and, to be fair, I still say it sometimes because it’s kind-of this entire podcast captured in a sentence; even just talking about this stuff is incredibly powerful, and it can be a relief just to know that you’re not alone in dealing with challenges. So, next time I want to talk about what talking means in mental health terms, the power of talking, and how to talk about mental health challenges.
That episode will be released on the 4th of August, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and press the bell to turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com
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