240: Overcoming Codependency for Healthier Relationships

What is codependency, and why are some relationships codependent? Well, if you’re ready to learn how to make codependent relationships healthier then let’s talk! 😃

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What is codependency, and why are some relationships codependent? And, most importantly, how can you improve codependent relationships?

Well, that’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes better mental health simple. 

Ready to learn how to make codependent relationships healthier? Then, get comfortable and let’s talk!

Hello and welcome to Episode 240 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about codependency and mental health.

I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what codependency is, why addressing codependency matters, and how to manage codependency in a healthy way.

So, let’s talk!

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Possibly one of the most codependent songs of all times would have to be Without You, first released by the British band Badfinger in 1970 and subsequently covered by more than 180 artists since then (including, of course, the classic version by Mariah Carey released in 1994). It includes the immortal line, “I can’t live, if living is without you…” and whilst that’s perfectly understandable and reasonable if you’re one half of conjoined twins, it’s potentially very unhealthy if it’s a partner or friend you’re talking to (and extra-creepy if it’s being sung to you by a random stranger outside your window at two in the morning!). 

Human beings are individuals and yet we crave connection with others (whether that’s emotional connection, physical connection, or both, depending on the type of relationship), and so the challenge for each of us is to make sure that we’re striking the right balance so that we don’t lose ourselves and our sense of identity in our relationships with others, and so that we don’t find ourselves thinking that living without someone is impossible. That can be challenging to do, and it takes a thoughtful and considered approach (but, then again, so do most things!), and so today I’ll talk through how to do that so that you can look after your mental health and wellbeing.

First, let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What is codependency?

So, ‘codependency’ is a term that gets thrown around quite a bit, especially on social media, but what does it actually mean? In the simplest of terms, codependency is a pattern of behaviour where you find yourself being excessively reliant on others for validation, self-esteem, and a sense of identity. It often involves a one-sided relationship where one person puts the needs of another above their own, sometimes to the point of losing their own sense of self.

Codependency is a very specific form of attachment, characterised by an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person. It’s an attachment that goes well beyond the healthy interdependence seen in balanced relationships, where both parties support each other whilst still maintaining their own identities and boundaries.

In codependent relationships, the attachment is often rooted in a deep-seated need to feel needed, which can stem from low self-esteem or a fear of abandonment. This dynamic usually leads to one person becoming overly reliant on the other for validation, self-worth, and emotional fulfilment, and the codependent individual may sacrifice their own needs and wants, and this form of attachment is unhealthy because it creates an imbalanced power dynamic. Over time, the codependent person may lose their sense of self, as their identity becomes increasingly tied to their role in the relationship.

Codependency can also lead to a potentially destructive cycle of dependency, where the codependent person’s need to be needed actually ends up enabling the other person’s inability to function independently, whether that’s a conscious or a subconscious thing, and that can lead to a stagnant and potentially-toxic relationship.

So, when we talk about codependency practically we’re looking at how it plays out in your everyday life. Picture this: you have a friend or partner whose happiness and approval become your main focus. You might find yourself going out of your way to please them, even at your own expense. And that could mean neglecting your own needs, interests, or goals to keep the other person happy. It’s like being on a constant mission to ensure their wellbeing, often forgetting about your own in the process. 

In practical terms, codependency can manifest in several ways. You might say “yes” to everything, even when you really want to (or need to) say “no,” because you’re afraid of disappointing or upsetting the other person. You might take on more responsibilities than you can handle to make sure the other person’s needs are met. You might also struggle to set or maintain healthy boundaries because you’re more concerned about the other person’s reaction than your own comfort or needs.

Recognising codependency in a relationship can be challenging, as it often looks and feels like deep care and concern — which are good things! — but there are some key differences, including frequently feeling compelled to help others, assuming responsibility for the other person’s happiness and decisions, giving more than you receive, fearing abandonment, deriving your self-worth from the other person’s happiness, overly caring about others’ opinions, and fearing change; these behaviours can lead to an imbalanced and unhealthy dynamic.

Now, let’s look at what codependency means for your mental health and wellbeing. When you’re in a codependent relationship, your self-worth often hinges on the approval and happiness of the other person. This can lead to a lot of anxiety and stress because you’re constantly worried about how the other person feels and whether you’re doing enough to make them happy. Over time, codependency can erode your self-esteem and lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment. You might start to feel exhausted, both emotionally and physically, because you’re regularly prioritising someone else’s needs over your own and this constant pressure can contribute to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and burnout.

So, in a nutshell, codependency can create an unbalanced and unhealthy dynamic where your sense of self is tied up in someone else’s. With that in mind, now let’s talk about…

Why addressing codependency matters

And it matters because being in a codependent relationship can prevent you from living a fulfilling and independent life, so it’s crucial to recognise these types of patterns and to take action to address them for the sake of your mental health and overall wellbeing. 

Addressing codependency allows you to reclaim your sense of self and to establish relationships that are much more healthy and balanced. When you’re caught in a cycle of codependency, your identity and self-worth become entangled with someone else’s and that often leads to neglecting your own needs, desires, and goals, all of which can hinder your personal growth and fulfilment. By recognising and addressing codependent behaviours, you can start to prioritise your own needs and build a fairer and more balanced relationship, where both parties are respected and valued.

In general terms, addressing codependency helps you establish healthier boundaries and develop a stronger sense of your own autonomy. That means learning to say “no” when necessary, understanding that it’s OK to prioritise your own needs, and recognising that you’re not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions or happiness. Learning to make these changes leads to more balanced and mutually-supportive relationships, where both of you can thrive independently while still offering support and care to each other.

From a mental health perspective, addressing codependency is vital for reducing stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. When you’re constantly focused on someone else’s needs at the expense of your own, it can lead to chronic stress and burnout as well as longer-term mental health issues like anxiety and depression. 

Overcoming codependency can also improve your self-esteem and self-worth, because when you learn to validate yourself and meet your own needs you become a lot less dependent on external validation… all of which helps you to feel stronger, confident, and more capable.

Addressing codependency involves recognising these types of unhealthy attachment patterns and working towards establishing healthier boundaries.

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to manage codependency in a healthy way

Alright, so the first step in addressing codependency is to recognise codependent patterns in your behaviour — codependency often involves regularly prioritising someone else’s needs over your own and relying on them for your self-worth. If you’re aware of relationships in your life where this might be the case, try reflecting on your interactions and asking yourself questions like, “Do I often say yes when I want to say no?” or “Do I feel responsible for the other person’s happiness?” Your answers will hopefully help you to see the bigger picture and identify possible codependent patterns, and I’d suggest you try keeping a journal to track these thoughts and identify patterns (which can be very enlightening). OK, next… 

Set healthy boundaries in all of your relationships — boundaries help protect your well-being and they ensure that you’re not overextending yourself for others, which teaches you to respect your own needs and limits and to communicate them to others. You can start by identifying situations where you feel uncomfortable or taken advantage of and have an honest conversation with the other person, then practice saying “no” or expressing your needs clearly and calmly (or both). Remember, it’s OK to put yourself first and make sure your needs are being met… after all, nobody else is going to take care of your needs for you! OK, next…

Learn to communicate effectively — and this is crucial for setting boundaries and expressing your needs, because it fosters healthier and more balanced relationships. You can do this by practicing assertive communication, which involves expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel this…” or “I need that…,” to avoid your words sounding like an accusation (very few people enjoy feeling like they’re being accused, and it tends to lead to arguments). Learning how to communicate effectively can lead to a lot more understanding and cooperation in your relationships, and I explained how to do that in Episode 134. OK, next…

Limit your exposure to toxic relationships — some people may choose to take advantage of you, and while their choices are not your fault it’s up to you to take action to reduce the negative impact of unhealthy dynamics on your life. Identify relationships that drain you or make you feel undervalued and gradually distance yourself from them, and focus instead on surrounding yourself with positive and supportive people who respect you and your boundaries. Look, all of this stuff can feel really challenging and overwhelming, but it really is for the best (and if you’re thinking about making these sort of major life changes then you’ll find my other podcast, Change Your Life!, to be helpful; it’s linked in the episode description). I also covered how to deal with toxic relationships in this show back in Episode 228, so you’ll find that helpful. Next…

Practice detachment — which involves stepping back emotionally and not allowing other peoples’ actions to dictate your feelings. This is helpful because it empowers you to maintain your emotional balance, and you can do this by reminding yourself that you’re not responsible for the choices and feelings of others. Focus on controlling your reactions, rather than trying to manage someone else’s emotions. Next…

Cultivate your self-worth — which means recognising and appreciating your own value, independent of others, which builds your confidence and reduces your reliance on external validation. Try acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments, practicing positive self-talk, and treating yourself with kindness. Celebrate your uniqueness, and remind yourself that you deserve respect and love. You can explore the topic of self-worth more in Episode 78. OK, next…

Identify and challenge negative beliefs — this is crucial for breaking codependent patterns, because it helps you replace harmful thoughts with more positive and empowering ones. Pay attention to your inner dialogue and question any negative or self-critical thoughts. Ask yourself if these thoughts are based on facts or assumptions, and then reframe them in a more positive light. And so that leads to my next tip…

Practice self-compassion — and that means consciously being kinder to yourself, especially when you’re struggling, which reduces feelings of guilt and inadequacy that often accompany codependency. You can do this by speaking to yourself as you would to a friend, offering understanding and encouragement, and when you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and reframe your thoughts in a more compassionate light; the more you do this, the more natural it will become. Remember, everyone makes mistakes and has moments of weakness… so there’s no need to bully yourself if and when you’re struggling. Next…

Develop your own interests — which is a great way to build your own identity outside of your relationships, because it allows you to focus on your personal growth and fulfilment. Start by exploring activities you’ve always wanted to try or revisiting old hobbies you’ve neglected. Whether it’s taking up painting, learning a new language, or joining a club, finding something you’re passionate about can be incredibly rewarding. Next…

Focus on your personal growth — and this is about helping you build a stronger sense of self, which shifts the focus from the other person to your own journey… and having clear goals gives you a sense of purpose and direction. You can do this by setting personal goals and working towards them, whether they’re related to your career, education, or personal interests. Celebrate your achievements along the way, no matter how small, and recognise the progress you’re making. Next… 

Embrace time alone — and that involves finding comfort and peace in solitude, which helps you become more self-sufficient and less reliant on others for your happiness. You can do this by spending intentional time alone, engaging in activities that you enjoy, and using this time to reconnect with yourself. Look, I’m not going to tell you to go to a nice restaurant on your own — unless you’re comfortable with that — but doing things on your own helps you build independence and enjoy your own company… and never forget that your relationship with yourself is the longest relationship you’ll ever have, so you may as well make it a good one! You don’t need someone else to feel complete; a healthy relationship compliments your life, it doesn’t complete it. Solitude can be a powerful tool for personal growth and self-discovery, and there’s a big difference between being alone versus being lonely. OK, next…

Say “no” — learning to say “no” is a vital skill in breaking codependent patterns because it protects your time and energy, allowing you to focus on what truly matters to you. You can do this by being assertive and by reminding yourself that it’s OK to decline requests that don’t align with your needs or values. Start with small refusals and gradually work up to setting firmer boundaries. Next…

Reflect on your past relationships — this is helpful because understanding your history can inform your current behaviour, and you can do this by analysing previous relationships and identifying common themes or triggers that led to codependent behaviour. Identify why this may have happened, and use these insights to make more informed choices in your current and future relationships. Next…

Journal — journalling your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and emotional release, because it allows you to process your experiences and gain insights into your behaviour patterns. Set aside some time each day to write about your experiences, emotions, and reflections; over time, journalling can help you identify triggers and understand the root causes of your codependency. If you’d like some help I have some daily reflection tools available in my store, which is linked in the episode description (or just head to ltamh.com). Next…

Choose to focus on your strengths — focusing on your strengths helps build your self-esteem and confidence because it shifts your attention to what you’re good at and what makes you unique. Try listing your strengths and accomplishments, remind yourself of them regularly, engage in activities that allow you to use and develop your strengths, and celebrate your successes. Next…

Develop your emotional intelligence — which involves understanding and managing your emotions effectively; it’s helpful because it improves your ability to navigate relationships and set healthy boundaries. Do this by practicing self-awareness, empathy, and emotional regulation. Pay attention to your emotions, understand what triggers them, and learn healthy ways to express and manage them. OK, next…

Limit over-functioning — so, over-functioning means taking on more than your fair share of responsibilities, especially in relationships; when you consciously limit this type of behaviour it encourages a more balanced dynamic where both parties contribute equally. You can do this by being mindful of when you’re stepping in to solve problems or take on tasks that others can handle themselves. Practice delegating and allow other people to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Next… 

Build a sense of independence — which involves relying more on yourself and less on others for your happiness and fulfilment, which fosters self-reliance, self-confidence, and resilience. You can do this by choosing to make decisions on your own, and you can celebrate your independence by acknowledging your ability to take care of yourself and meet your own needs. OK, next… 

Focus on continuous improvement — and that means recognising that personal growth is an ongoing process, and so working through it one step at a time. This encourages you to keep striving for better mental health and healthier relationships, and you can do this by setting regular check-ins with yourself to assess your progress, celebrate your successes, and identify areas for further growth. Embrace your journey of self-improvement, and do something each and every day to help yourself grow. Next…

Build a support network — building a support network of friends and family who understand and respect your boundaries is important because it gives you a sense of belonging and support outside of your codependent relationship. Reach out to people you trust and let them know about your journey to address codependency. Attend social gatherings, join community groups, or seek out supportive online communities. Having a network of supportive individuals can make a huge difference. Next… 

Seek professional help — speaking with a therapist or counsellor can be incredibly beneficial in addressing codependency because they can provide you with objective guidance (in a judgement-free space) and offer tools and strategies to understand and change your behaviour patterns. You may even be able to find a therapist who specialises in codependency or relationship issues. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your feelings and develop healthier ways of relating to others, as well as to yourself.

Summary and Close-out

Because when it comes to codependency and mental health, what it all boils down to is this:

Addressing codependency is about reclaiming your identity and your sense of independence, and creating healthier and more functional relationships. By recognising codependent patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritising your own wellbeing, you’re paving the way to a more balanced and fulfilling life. Remember, the goal here is progress… not perfection. Every effort you make towards understanding and overcoming codependency brings you closer to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self. Be patient and show yourself compassion, and know that choosing to prioritise your needs is a crucial part of good mental health.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author and it is:

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

How do you deal with codependency? If you’re on Spotify scroll down and share in the Q&A section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or comment on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And discover more tips on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, plus become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes of all of my podcasts. 

Next week I’ll be talking about emotional maturity. 

Emotional maturity is all about understanding and managing your emotions while also handling life’s ups and downs with grace and empathy. It means staying calm under pressure, learning from your mistakes, and maintaining healthy and balanced relationships — so, you know, not much to ask for… right?! Look, the truth is that it’s a real challenge for most of us (in fact, probably all of us!), so next time I’ll be talking about what emotional maturity is, why it matters for good mental health, and how to cultivate your emotional maturity.

That episode will be released on the 21st of July, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and press the bell to turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com   

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2024 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.